Music Speaks Part One

For the first time on this little webspace called "Divine Contradiction" I'm going to be doing a series of posts titled "Music Speaks". Here's the first instalment:

What's Their Story?
Last week at College and Careers we had a time of praise and worship. As I flipped through the song book and took notice of many songs that have met me in different places of my life, I couldn't help but wonder "what's their story?"

Who is Marsha Stevens and what inspired her to write "For Those Tears I Died"?

"You said You'd come and share my sorrows
You said You'd be there for my tomorrows
I came so close to sending You away."

When she wrote this was she sitting alone in a hospital room? At a graveside? What brought on the song? A time of heartbreak? A time of loss? Of pain?

Or how about Craig Musseau? What's his story? When he wrote: "I sing a simple song of love to my Saviour, To my Jesus. I'm grateful for the things You've done."

Was he rejoicing over a blessing? Facing a trial? Remembering the Lord's faithfulness in the past? Or looking towards it in the future?

What was their story?

When I was in Nashville this past April attending GMA Week I attended an event titled the Songwriter Showcase. At this concert, the writers of some of the biggest songs of the year came out and not only performed their music, but they explained the story behind it. Laura Story talked about the drive at night that inspired "Indescribable" (performed by Chris Tomlin). Christa Wells explained the heartbreaking circumstances behind "Held" (performed by Natalie Grant). And for me, somehow knowing the story behind the song adds so much more meaning to it. Not that removing interpretation is the end goal, but when you add the inspiration to your own interpretation, it can be a pretty amazing thing.

Keep checking back for the next post in this series titled "When We Know The Story".

Why I'm Thankful

Izaak Walton once said: "Blessings we enjoy daily, and for the most of them, because they be so common, men forget to pay their praises." Well today I took a short time out to remember to pay my praises for what I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for my family
I always knew that I had an amazing family, but I was reminded even more so of that during my illness. They made so many sacrifices for me- I still find it hard to believe. My Mom tossed aside everything else in order to be by my side throughout the entire ordeal. She lost many a night of sleep sitting by my side in the emergency room and she put aside her own feelings of disgust in order to be my "nurse" and take care of me. My brother gave up his room for almost six months because it was easier for me, even though that meant he missed out on many of his beloved NHL games (the TV in his room can pick it up, whereas the downstairs TV can't). My grandfather and aunts paid for me to have a TV in my room in the hospital, which is pretty expensive considering how long I was in the hospital for. My sister gave up her vehicle for many weeks so that my family could visit me and then later so that I could get to all of my doctors appointments and such. And not once did she ask for gas money either!

I'm thankful for my friends
Again during my illness I was reminded once again just how blessed I am to have some of the people in my life that I do. Yes, as I've shared before there was some disappointments during the past year, but you know what? That doesn't matter to me anymore. Big surprises make up for little disappointments and I was very surprised by some very special people. The people who called long distance to check up on me. The friend who trudged through a snowstorm in order to come and see me, just when I need to see somebody! All of the "out of towners" who emailed my sister to get updates on me (you thought I didn't know didn't you? ha!) God has blessed me with many amazing people in my life and if you're reading this, chances are you're one of them!

I'm thankful for my ministries
God has been blessing me so much by allowing me to be involved in a few really awesome things! The radio show is so amazing. College and Careers is a blessing. The new dance ministry is very powerful. The book- all I can say is WOW!

I'm thankful for good music
Music speaks so loudly to me in my life and it's such a precious gift. And during the past year my musical appreciation has deepened and my tastes have widened and I'm thankful for that too. I used to say that I like every type of music but country and gospel. Well after one trip to Nashville that's no longer true.

I'm thankful for God's provision
Over and over I have seen God provide for me and it is amazing and humbling all at the same time. From unexpected checks in the mail to a few really great jobs to working things out with the student loan, God has most definitely provided me with exactly what I need!

I'm thankful for my health
Health is one thing that is way too easy to take advantage of and I've been guilty of doing that. Well I hope that my experiences over the past year stay rooted in my mind for the rest of my life just so that I don't ever forget what a gift it is to be healthy.

I'm thankful for knowing Jesus
Having Him in my life makes each day sweeter, each low higher, and each joy that much richer. He is my sustainer, my savior, and my best friend!

And finally I'm thankful for life
It was close to a year ago that I nearly lost my life and going through something like that reminds you just how precious every day. I'm thankful for every moment that I have, both the good ones and the bad. I'm also thankful that this is not the end. One day we all will make the transition from this life to the next and really that's all it is, a transition!

So what are you thankful for? Leave a comment with your list!

History is in the making...

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: I am not a dancer. I never have been one and I don't really feel any overwhelming desire to be one now. But years of watching my sister's recitals has taught me something: I may not be a dancer, but I can choreograph.

Sounds strange, I know. How can someone who doesn't know the moves, figure out the dance? I don't know, but I do know that it's happening.

As some of you know, my sister has been involved in organizing dances for different Christian events in and around the Timmins area for the past three years. Well usually I played some sort of small role, like picking the music and operating the sound system. But this time around I've taken on a different role. Just call me Kristen the choreographer.

After choosing the song, this incredible picture came to me of what the dance could look like and the powerful impact that it could make. Scenes flashed across my mind and to my dismay, I actually became really excited about this possibility. So with my family listening, I explained to Erin my idea for the dance and explained the different moves that the background dancers could do while the two main dancers did their thing in the front. And in the words of my brother: "It's surprisingly good."

And so Erin will be leading a group of dancers to do a routine to Matthew West's song "History" for a retreat that will be happening in a couple of months. And this time instead of pressing play and pause on the stereo, I will be helping to put it together. Scary.

It's kind of crazy the way God has teamed up my sister and I because personality wise, we're very different. And the same goes for talents and giftings. But at the same time, we compliment each other and this isn't the first time God has moved us to join forces to do something together for Him and I'm sure it won't be the last.

History by Matthew West
It's been a bad day
You've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

CHORUS
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So, leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making

The power of music

I will never cease to be amazed at how powerfully music can speak to us. From the choruses of Bach to the emotionally powered Dashboard Confessional to the praise songs that fill our Sunday mornings, music speaks to us.

This past week I got an email about the power of music that literally moved me to tears (which isn't an easy thing to do). Music speaks and music moves.

Speaking of music, today my copy of Gavin Mikhail's CD "Like Normal People Do" came in the mail. I've never been more excited to get a CD.

Ever since being referred to Gavin's myspace a few weeks ago, I have become a huge fan of his music. I purchased his first album "Personal Beauty Needs" from itunes and it's incredible. I come into contact with a lot of good artists through the radio show, but this guy is one of the best I've heard. The funny thing about it is Gavin is not a "Christian artist", yet his music has inspired me more than any other CD I've heard this year.

If you have even two extra moments, check out Gavin's website and listen to the songs there. You won't be disappointed.

All We Need

Rich or poor, God I want You more
Than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire.
You can have all my hands can hold
My heart, mind, strength and soul,
Be my all, all consuming fire

Cause we have all we need in You
All we need is You
All we need is You

All We Need by Charlie Hall

The secret to a content life: Give as much as you can away. The more we hoard, the more we want and the more we want the less satisfied we are with what we have.

And the more we give away, the more the wealth is spread. Recently I went to the global rich list and entered in my last years income (that according to North American standards wasn't very much). According to their stats my income puts me in the top 41% of the richest people in the world! So where do you stand? Well...

-Someone who makes $30,000 CAN a year: top 8.9%
-Someone who makes $40,000 CAN a year: top 4.37%
-Someone who makes $50,000 CAN a year: top 1.78%

Those stats, along with scripture lead me to believe that spreading the wealth isn't only the responsibility of the 400 billionaires published on the recent Forbes list. We have all we need financially (living where we do) and spiritually (knowing who we know). We need to share the excess with those who don't. As another song from Charlie Hall says: "We could feed the whole world with the crumbs of our bread." And if the story of Jesus and the loaves of bread and the fish is any indication, when we give God everything we have, He will multiply it until every mouth and soul is fed.

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." (Philippians 4:11-12)

Cheery website

I've changed up the website that I will be using as the base for Walking Through A Fallen World and anything else related to the book or future projects.

I had launched it about two months ago, but I wasn't really happy with the appearance and had gotten a few comments on how it felt a little dark. That said, it didn't really match with the purpose behind the site or the book, so I've gone with a different more "cheery" design.

Check out the new site: www.kristenmcnulty.com or www.walkingthroughafallenworld.com and let me know your thoughts!

Copyright

Yesterday I registered for my very first copyright. So if you were planning on writing a book titled Walking Through A Fallen World anytime before I've been gone from this earth for fifty years, you're out of luck!

Crazy week, crazy weekend

It's been an insane week. Between College and Careers starting up again for the fall, my courseload and work I haven't had a whole lot of extra time. However that has taught me to be more efficient with the time I do find in between and I have made some progress on a few things I've been working on...

Website updates
The appearance of the MAD website was getting old, so I changed some stuff up. Added new photos. Fixed the station listings to ensure accuracy. Added links. Take a look at www.madradioshow.net

Room changes
A few months ago I changed up some stuff in my room, added an extra cupboard for storage, etc. Well this weekend I finished stage one of the decorating process. Nothing fancy though. Added a few framed photos to the walls. Put up more bumper-stickers in my ever growing collection (long story). And finally went through a stack of papers that has been building up for way too long. Good to see some progress.

Gym Membership
Before my surgery last October I was a 5 time a week gym goer, so I'd be lying if I said that hasn't be a routine that I've missed. I wanted to join up again in June when I was given the all clear, but couldn't afford it. Well, thankfully the Lord has provided me with the money (actually he has provided me with someone who wanted to pay for my membership- score!) so this week I started up again.

The gym is in a building close to my house that actually used to be a catholic church. Even though it's kind of sad that the church closed, the gym did an amazing job restoring it- they even left in the stained glassed windows. Beautiful.

College and Careers
Well C&C started up again this week for the new school year. It was great to see everyone again and to have a chance to re-connect after the summer. This week to kick things off, I lead a study on using the gifts that we have been given, whether that is time, money, our abilities, etc. It's funny because I had a completely different study prepared, but on Tuesday night I really felt that it wasn't the study I was supposed to be doing. So at the last minute I scrambled to put together something new that God had laid on my heart and it was amazing how God used the message to speak to me and the others there. He is so good!

A quote to leave you with:

"Just do whatever Jesus calls you to do the moment it is clear to you. Do not procrastinate; do not hesitate; do not deviate from whatever course of action He calls you to." Erwin McManus

What God Has Done (And Continues To Do)

This November brings the fifth anniversary of the MAD Christian Radio Show and I can't believe that it has already been five years!

I can remember what my September looked like five years ago: all the planning that went into the show. The fear, the insecurity. When I started the show I had no idea what I was doing (and in a lot of ways still don't lol) but I had no idea that the show would go where it has. And when I say that I'm not trying to brag because I'm very much aware that the success has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with God. He could have chosen many more qualified individuals to do this, but for some insane reason He chose me and I am very thankful for this gift.

And it is a gift. Yes it's a heck of a lot of work at times, but as I've said many times over again: "I love what I get to do and I do what I get to love." I love discovering new bands and giving them a shot at real airtime. I love sitting down and making a playlist for a show, then looking back and seeing the theme that God has interwoven into it. I love interacting with radio stations around the world and getting their perspectives on ministry. I love writing the devotionals and I love it when God reminds me later of those words and uses them to teach and change me. I love producing the audio and figuring out what works and what doesn't. I love checking the radio show email account and reading stories of how God has used the show in people's lives. I love reading radio trade magazines and learning from some of the best in the business. I love meeting listeners and hearing their stories. I love producing the podcast and making use of the latest technology. I love what I get to do and I do what I get to love.

And somewhere in the middle of living this dream, I see God's hand working and it is amazing. He used an 18 year old who was a baby Christian at the time to start something that would still be going strong five years later. And today He uses this 23 year old, sitting in her house in Timmins, Ontario (a place most people have never even heard of) to broadcast the message of His love and grace to over 30 cities in five different countries, to the world on 20 online stations, to cyberspace through a website that receives thousands of visitors a month and to iTunes users through a podcast that receives over 1,000 listeners a month.

Scary? Yes. Humbling? For sure.

But I haven't brought this up to say "look at me, I've got it all together"- that couldn't be more not true. I bring this up, to first of all, give glory to who it belongs to: God and secondly, to testify that God is bigger than any roadblocks that may exist between you and your dream.

If you are a follower of Christ and you have a dream on your heart, it's no accident. In fact, it's a divine placement from a God who loves His children to dream big! Unfortunately too many times we scoff at these big dreams and think "God wouldn't ask me to do that". Well guess what- He would! My life is a testimony to that.

So what's standing between you and your dream? Is it a step of faith that you should be taking? Is it a choice that you should be making? Or are you, like the Israelites, still marching around the perimeter of what God has promised you, waiting in faith for the walls to come crashing down?

It doesn't matter where you are in your own journey after your dream, what matters is that you are on the journey and that you're not walking it alone. He created our hearts and knows our deepest desires. Sometimes all He requires us to do is take a small step of faith: whether that means walking on water or walking in circles around a city, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we do take that step of faith when it is required and trust Him and His plans for our lives in the meantime!

"May he grant you your heart's desire, and fulfill all your plans." (Psalm 20:4)

"Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them." (A.W. Tozer)

Keeping our heads down

Well with yesterday being my last day of summer holidays, I decided to spend it at one of my favorite places: the golf course. I don't know what it is, but there's something about the game that just completely relaxes me. Maybe it's being in the middle of God's creation. Maybe it's spending quality time with my brother. Or maybe it's just because I get to throw all of my energy into making something an inch in size hurdle down a fairway 250 yards. Yeah I think that's it. ;)

Seriously though some of my best times with God have been while playing golf. Golf is also the sport where I've gotten a whole lot of illustrations from for devotionals and articles. And one of these illustrations came to me today.

You see with golf in order to swing properly you have to keep your head down while you're swinging. If you look up too quickly to try to follow where your ball is going, it's not going to end up where it should because you can't do a proper follow through by jerking your head up. No instead, you have to keep your eyes locked in place and trust that those around you are watching where the ball goes.

The same thing applies to us as Christians if we want to be effective in the ways we minister. To do it properly, we must keep our heads down, focused on the task at hand. The second we start looking up and around trying to count results before we're even finished, we mess up. We take a shortcut and as a result, lack in our follow through (and in the case of many Christians we lack in follow up).

This is the reason why churches don't grow when they count salvations instead spending that time training those new Christians to be disciples. This is the reason why some ministries grow in number, but collapse later under a shaky foundation. When we focus on numbers and results we lose sight of what's right in front of us. And when that happens, often what's right in front of us fails.

"The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever." Psalm 121:8

Knowing that, doesn't it just make sense to keep our eyes on what they should be watching and trust God to watch over the rest? After all, our eyes aren't capable of seeing the whole picture. While we can see the physical, only God can see the complete spiritual picture and when we're using our gifts for Him, that's the only perspective that really matters in the end anyways.

Number 5 is no more!!!

Ok, so I went to the doctors today and I have really good news: my cyst has burst!!! Yes that's right, number five is no more! Contrary to what my sister wanted me to do, I did not name this one (she named my previous four).

To say that I'm relieved is an understatement! I was so hoping to not have to have surgery again because to be quite honest, I don't think that my body has still yet fully recovered from the last ordeal. I know emotionally I was definitely not prepared to have to do something like that again, so I'm very happy that I don't have to.

So what does this mean for the future? Well I had a choice to make. I can continue to go for ultrasounds and tests every few months to see what's happening and keep monitoring everything, but I have chosen not to. Maybe it's something I will change my mind on in the future, but I my reasoning now is that I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life: being supersensitive about every pain or twinge, going for test after test, waiting for results and then doing the whole cycle again.

No, I'd rather enjoy every day and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Some may call that irresponsible, but after almost three years of dealing with these cysts, I've come to the point where this is something I feel comfortable doing.

So thank you all for your prayers and support! The prayers definitely worked and I feel truly blessed to have such a great group of people around me :)

First Endorsement

So as a part of the whole publishing process, a few copies of my manuscript were sent out to various people for them to read (and hopefully endorse). Well today I received my first endorsement:

"We're all walking through a fallen world, and at times we need a guide to point out the trails and the traps. Kristen McNulty's book does that, raising important questions with insight and offering answers with integrity."
Craig Borlase, author of God's Gravity: The Upside-Down Life of Selfless Faith

I don't know why, but getting this makes the whole thing even that much more real to me. It's so exciting!

Well I'm off to my aunts cottage for the weekend. I'm sure I'll have lots to post about on my return ;)

Seeing Past The Surface

This week I've been spending a good deal of my time painting at work. I can't say I've ever done much of it before, but I got a quick crash course this week.

The amazing thing about paint is that you can take something that looks so weathered and beaten and make it look completely brand new with just one coat of paint.

Unfortunately though, that paint will start to dull and it won't be long before it starts to flake away. It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

Maybe that's the reason why when God works on our hearts, He never does a surface job because He knows it'll only be temporary. No, when God does something, He digs deep down to the core of the issue and does His work.

Unfortunately many times as Christians we don't like this process because it's a little too long and painful. So we slap on our own coats of paints and ignore what is rotting underneath. And while temporarily that may make us look good for a day, a week, a month, or maybe even a year, God sees past that. He sees the cracks, He sees the stains- He sees what needs replacing.

And so with gentle hands and a patient heart he slowly chips away at our coats of paint until the real problem is exposed. And when it is, He doesn't leave it out there to flaunt: He removes the problem and restores things to the way they should be.

This is never an easy process and it's usually not quick: it was never meant to be. But it is the only way that we can be truly transformed from the inside out.

The "Something Major"

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires."
Psalm 37:4

For the past five months my belief in the words of Psalm 37 has been tested. You see it has been a lifelong dream of mine to write a book and have it published. Last summer I felt that the time to write was now, so I took a step of faith and started to write.

That decision was further confirmed when a publisher approached me and said that they wanted to publish my book, so I kept writing and finally came up with a finished product.

Unfortunately before I could sign a contract (or maybe that was fortunate) the company sold to another publisher who converted it into an educational publishing house. So I was left with a 35,000 word document and a broken dream.

As I submitted my proposal to other companies and got a lot of "sorry we have a full line-up, try again later" emails, I started to doubt if maybe this book idea was just something I wanted for me and not something God wanted for me. But deep down inside the fire was still burning.

Well that little fire got a dose of gasoline recently when another publishing company offered me a deal!!! Supposedly they were impressed with the content of the sample chapters they saw and really liked my writing style.

Needless to say, the whole experience is very surreal! Because not only does this mean that a lifelong dream is being turned into reality, but it could open up so many doors for my future it's hard to believe! By the way this was the "something major" that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I couldn't share the details sooner, but I had to wait until everything was finalized.

So what's happening with it right now? Well I just finished my final edit of the manuscript and now I'm in the process of choosing possible photos for the book cover. And at the same time, final edits for my "author website" have be completed and it's now online. You can take a look at it by visiting www.kristenmcnulty.com. I'd love to hear any feedback that you guys have on it!

Praise God for the desires that He places within our hearts and for the way that He arranges our futures!

Me Church

Too funny and often way too true.



Source: Shlog

Trip to Huntsville

So last week my sister and I ended up spending a few days in the Huntsville area. It was kind of a last minute trip- we had stumbled upon a great hotel deal online and since she was on holidays, she decided to go and asked if I would like to come along. I of course said yes!

The hotel that we were staying at was fantastic. They had many on-site activities that we took full advantage of including tennis, canoeing, swimming, and pool. I also tried my hand at kayaking, but ended up getting out of the kayak rather quickly as I just don't have the balance needed!

On Thursday we took a trip up to Ragged Falls, which was a good distance from the hotel, but we had went in 2002 on a family vacation and really wanted to see it again. The last time we took a boat right up to the bottom of the falls and then climbed up. This time we had to settle for the trail, but it was fun. The falls are beautiful and its always wonderful to be in the middle of God's creation (to the right is a photo I took of part of the falls).

The only downfall (no pun intended) to Ragged Falls was the stupidity of two parents. They decided it would be fun to launch their kids down the river leading to the falls and it could have very well turned into a deadly activity. As it was the father slipped and fell into the rapids and its a miracle that he didn't end up going down the falls. I understand the idea of adventure, but this was just plain stupidity.

My favorite activity of the trip though was the horseback riding! Neither Erin or I had ever been before and we both really wanted to try it, so we booked a spot and got to ride some pretty nice trails. It was a lot easier than what I thought it would be, although I'm sure it would have been harder if I would have gotten an active horse. Mine was kind of lazy and at one point stopped dead in the middle of the trail and wouldn't go further. I tried everything to get him to move, but he was quite stubborn. It took a lot to finally get him going again, but once he did, he was pretty good for the rest of the ride.

It's too bad horseback riding costs so much here because it's something that I could see myself seriously pursing as a hobby. What can I say- I have expensive tastes. First downhill skiing. Then golf. Now horseback riding. I think I'm going to stick to tennis- its fun and free. ;)

More Good News

I just came back from a week away (first at my aunts cottage, then at a place in Huntsville- more to come on that soon) and I came back to more good news!

True Volume Two
In February I received an email from someone who was putting together a compilation book of stories of how God has moved in people's lives in different circumstances. She came across my writing from the Impact Devotionals that I do for the MAD Christian Radio Show and she was wondering if I would be interested in submitting something for the book. I of course said "yes" and sent in a submission.

Today I received the news that my submission was screened by the panel and has been accepted for the book which is titled True Volume Two (the follow-up to True Volume One) and is being published by Zondervan.

Obviously it's quite a honor to have something that I wrote put in a book like this! Watch for it in stores soon!

And I know what some of you are thinking "Is this the something major that was mentioned in the previous post?" Well the answer is no, this is pretty awesome, but there is still something pretty huge in the works. It's so hard not saying anything, but a promise is a promise. More on that to come in the next few weeks :)

Job
I have been looking for work for the past couple of weeks, but I haven't had any luck in finding anything. Most of the summer jobs were given out months ago and many of the ones that remained either required that I speak French (which I don't) or have my own vehicle (which I don't).

So in the meantime I've been doing a bit of work for one business (just a few hours a week). When I was out of town my Mom took a phone message offering me a job! So between the two, I'll have enough hours to make some extra cash and not be working so many hours that I won't have time to complete the two other projects that I've been working on. God is good :)

Great News!

This has been the week of good news all the way around!

School
This morning I got a lovely email indicating that its looks like I will be approved for a student loan! This is nothing short of a miracle because I was told by almost everyone that there was no way this would ever happen. If everything works out right I will be starting my next round of courses in September, which in itself is another miracle- this is the fastest my student loan has ever been processed! Praise God!

Radio Show
For quite a while now I've been wanting to upgrade the equipment that is used to record the show, but I haven't been able to because its just so expensive. But again God has provided! This week a sponsor for the show came on board who has generously agreed to provide new equipment and assist in promoting the show across Canada- another huge answer to prayer!

Something Major
And if that wasn't enough, something else really major is in the works. Unfortunately as much as I'm dying to, I can't share details until everything is finalized, but I can say that this is huge. If it all works out, a lifelong dream of mine will be fulfilled and it could open so many doors for my future!

I promise to give you all details as soon as I can!

Praise God for His provision once again!

Toronto Trip

Highlights
Good Report: My Mom received a good report at the doctors. It looks like the treatment has worked and thus, its safe to leave things "as is" for now- she will be going back in the fall to confirm. Obviously this is a big answer to prayer- thanks to everyone who took the time to pray!

Starbucks: I always find it kind of a contradiction to be walking in the busyness and hype of Toronto and have that all fall away just by walking into an establishment. Yet this is the type of environment that the good people at Starbucks have established. Good coffee- good quiet time.

Music: Albums from Warren Barfield, Downhere, Paul Wright, and Hawk Nelson made the driving time fly by. Plus on this road trip I realized it's official: I am officially a radio geek. I unapologetically scanned through the dial while passing through every city- much to the annoyance of the other passenger at times.

People: During my travels over the past couple of years, I've met some pretty interesting people. This trip was no different. We made friends with a little boy at the hotel who proudly held the door open for us as we walked through with our luggage. He later told his mom "look- those people are our neighbours! I helped them and they helped me!" Kids are cute.

I also spent some talking to the lady who runs the hotel gift shop. I think she remembered me from the last time we were there in May. She was quite surprised to find that I was using the arcade games the hotel had installed and I didn't try to justify it. Actually- I wouldn't be surprised to see her playing taxi the next time we go back. You gotta have some fun...

Things I would have rather avoided
Traffic: I don't know how people in Toronto can drive through that traffic on a daily basis. We got stuck in two traffic jams: one for almost an hour. The other for 20-30 minutes.

Impatient People: While we waited in the doctors office, three people (out of the eight that were in there) were angry that they had to wait to see the doctor. One guy kept approaching the secretary every few minutes, reminding her that he was still there waiting and "had a very important day a head of him." I don't know what bothered me more: his rudeness or his assumption that he was more important than every other person in that office, including the doctor. I'm not one to usually get annoyed by other people easily, but I was very annoyed. So much so that I left the waiting room and went for a walk outside. I don't envy doctors or their secretaries their jobs for more than one reason.

Distance: Sometimes its easy to forget just how far Timmins really is from Toronto. Well when you do most of the driving yourself and its up one day and back the next, you realize it. It's too bad Timmins wasn't located a little further South... not that I'm complaining or anything. I really do love life in Timmins.

In Conclusion
All and all, it was a very good, but short trip. And in this I found one advantage to be unemployed and uneducated: it gives me the freedom to "go along for the ride" whenever there's an opportunity. That's not the worst place to be in.

Going, Going, Gone.

Tomorrow morning I'm off to Toronto for my Mom's doctors appointment. If all goes according to plan, I will be back on Thursday night. Prayer for safe travel and good results at the doctors would be appreciated!

You Were There

You were there when I was a child
Running scared and terrified of fear.
You were there when I was abandoned
Feeling hopeless and anger still.
You were there when the walls fell down
And I was standing there in the rubble
(No idea of where to go from here).

You were there when I was alone
So unsure and yet unnerved.
You were there when I was forsaken
Feeling hurt and mostly plain unsure.
You were there when I was broken
Pieces laying there on the floor.
You were there when I had enough
Desperation craved without a word.

You were there when I finally turned
Facing and believing truth.
You were there when I finally accepted
Took You at Your Word.

But now my life is changing at a pace I can't ignore
And somewhere deep down inside I wonder,
Are You here? Do You know?
Do You see me in my pain?
In the times I cry? In the days I hurt?
Do You know my deepest fears? Those unspoken words?

And in this place that I don't like, I hear Hope
It whispers now and answers my doubts.
You are here, You do see, You do understand.

Ever when I can't see You
You're standing next to me.
Even when I can't feel You
You're holding me tenderly.

The truth of the matter is
Nothing separates me from You.
You were there, You are here
And You will be here always.

Submissive Prayer

Lately I've been struggling with the idea of how to pray over a situation that I feel strongly about, yet still submit to the sovereignty of God. You know how it is when you find yourself praying about something and you know the way you want it to turn out. Yet at the same time, you struggle how to pray for that knowing that God may have something else for you in mind.

For me right now there is nothing I want more than to just be healthy again. I've been struggling a lot this weekend because I really don't want this cyst. I still have nightmares from my last surgery and the complications and while looking back I can see God's hand in it, I don't want to go through that again. At the same time though I'm very much aware that in the past God choose not to heal me from this and so while I'm still praying for healing, I don't want to be completely self-centred in my prayers or my outlook on my life.

So this weekend I found myself in that place of not knowing what to say, but knowing that saying nothing was not the answer either. Thankfully I found out though that I'm not the only one to have this dilemma. Jesus, during one of His most difficult hours in the Garden of Gethsemane, faced the exact same struggle:

[Jesus] went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting Him might pass Him by. "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." (Mark 14:35-36 NLT)

Once again Jesus showed the perfect answer to one of my dilemmas. Jesus prayed for what He wanted in the flesh, yet at the same time surrendered Himself to God's perfect will. Through one quick prayer, Jesus told God exactly how He felt about what He was facing, asked for what He wanted, yet was still submissive in the fact that deep down He wanted God's way, not His own.

And so while on Saturday I was caught up in a few moments of wrestling with God, today I'm approaching Him with a completely different prayer:

"Father God, I know that with you all things are possible. Please take this away from me and restore my health. Yet I want Your plan for me, not mine."

In This Storm

In This Storm
Things are changing
Wars are raging
I can’t see a thing.
My life is flashing
My hope’s are dashing
And here I stand in vain.

Chorus
In the midst of this pace
I look for You and Your grace
Yet here I stand alone
Where are you my God?
Can you see where I am?
I’m so lost right now
I just don’t know.

The sky is darkened
My fears are sharpened
As I weather this storm
My foundation is cracking
My assurance is lacking
I don’t know where to go.

Bridge
The lightning cracks
The thunder rolls
And in this storm
I find I’m not alone
He’s never left me alone.

2-4-1 Special

So today I received my test results and it turns out that I do have both an infection and another cyst. I thought it would be one or the other, but I got the two for one deal!

But all the news is not bad. The infection is being treated by an antibiotic and the cyst is small enough that it doesn't necessarily mean surgery. Unless I have more pain I'll be waiting until the end of August before making any decisions. At that time I'll go for an ultrasound to see the size of it- if it's smaller, then we can leave it. If it's bigger, then it'll be coming out.

It's been a crazy ride and from the news today it's not over yet. But at least I know that I'm not riding alone.

Waiting

So I finally made it through the semester! I didn't think it would be possible to get all the work I needed to get done in the time that I had, but somehow it all ended up working out!

This past week was intense as it was filled with exams and last minute assignments, but on Friday afternoon I got everything handed in a few hours before the deadline. Talk about relief!

Saturday morning I got up early and went to the Bible study that I've been a part of for the past few months. I haven't been able to go as much as I've wanted to, but for the times I have been there, it has been really good. I've been challenged and I've been stretched and I've been blessed to have a small group setting where I can feel free to just be myself.

After study I spent the rest of Saturday and part of Sunday at my aunts cottage and it was a blessing. The cottage is the one place that has always been somewhat of a refuge for me and this time was no different. I got to spend some good quality time with God, which has been hard to come by lately. During this time I also learned a few things that are very applicable to my life right now and one of them is that this is a time to wait. While it makes sense circumstantially, now it also makes sense spiritually. I'm not one who takes to kindly to doing nothing- I like to be heading somewhere, anywhere. But right now I don't have a choice but to wait and to trust.

So I'm going to be using this unemployed, uneducated time (for however long it lasts) to wait upon God and get to know Him better and see where this journey ends up taking me.

On that note, I must thank you all for your prayers- they have made such a difference. I still don't feel the greatest, but it's not as bad as it was and I feel a real peace regarding all the situations in my life right now. Thank you. I have my test at the hospital tomorrow and I will keep you all updated on how everything turns out.

Updates

School Situation
My case has been reviewed with the school and although it is too late to undo the mistake that was made by cancelling my funding, they are working with me to try and get a new loan so that I can start more courses in August. This may not work because the student loan provider doesn't take too kindly to students who didn't complete the courses they were supposed to, but I'm writing a letter to them explaining the reason why that happened and telling them to verify with the school that it was not my fault.

In the meantime I'm working hard on my exams. I had one on Saturday that went good and now I'm preparing for my next two (one tomorrow and one on Friday) although it's been really hard because of another situation that's been going on...

Health Situation
For the past two months since my incision healed I have felt pretty good- unfortunately that changed this weekend. Saturday I began experiencing some pretty intense pain, along with a few other symptoms that I experienced last summer before having my cysts removed. I was very fortunate to get in with my doctor today and it turns out that based on my symptoms there is a good chance that I have another cyst. Obviously this is not good news. Right now I'm on a waiting list to get a scan at the hospital that will give a clear picture of what's going on and tomorrow I see the specialist after my exam. My mind is still reeling from the fact that I could be going through something like this again, but deep down I do have a peace about the situation.

But that said I still do covert your prayers for me during this time. Please pray especially that I would be able to do well on my exams and finish up the school work that needs to be finished: it's very hard for me to focus on my school work when I'm in pain like this and taking painkillers only manages to fog my brain further. Also please continue to be in prayer for my Mom and her skin cancer- she's finishing up her treatment this week and in two weeks will be going to the doctor in Toronto to see if it worked.

Thanks friends!

Steel Bars

So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul

Jill Philips- Steel Bars

I heard this song again the other day and did it ever hit me. I don't think there are any other words that can articulate my struggles over the past couple of months better. Even though on the most part I'm a very optimistic person, I did hit the rock bottom of despair and it wasn't a pleasant experience. In a lot of ways I wish I could forget the experience, but I've found myself being reminded of it a lot lately.

The rock bottom hit on a cold Friday night in November. I was in a hospital room by myself, my family had left for the night and I hadn't had any friends visit that week. Physically my energy was nonexistent and the infection still had a scary hold on my body. I don't think I'd ever felt so alone. I flicked the TV on and started channel surfing in an effort to distract myself from the reality that kept trying to creep into the dream world that I had created. But it wasn't long before reality forced its way in and stayed for a pity party.

My condition took a turn for the worst and I started losing blood rapidly. As nurses came in and out of my room, I used the few minutes of silence in between to completely break down. And break down I did.

But if there's one good thing about hitting rock bottom, it's that things can only go up from there. And for the past few months I have been fighting my way upwards. I've been learning what it means to be fully alive and I've been embracing the freedom that is found in Christ. I can't say how grateful I am for the opportunity to do so because the truth of the matter is: just because my heart hit rock bottom didn't mean that my health would start to improve along with my heart. In fact I'm very much aware that things could have turned out much differently. And maybe that's not such a bad thing to be made aware of because it's certainly increased my appreciation of the everyday.

So where Friday brought pain and sorrow, Sunday was a completely different story and in that I had my own little Easter experience. When I woke up for the first time in three weeks without a fever and shakes and looked out of my hospital room window and saw the sun streaming down, I couldn't help but think that maybe this is a small glimpse into what that resurrection moment was like for Jesus: transitioning from despair to hope, from death to life, and from sadness to joy.

And while everything was not perfect from that Sunday morning on and there still were many hard days ahead, I was changed and I was not facing this alone and that was all that really seemed to matter. Even now in my life, that's all that matters. Life is not perfect- I doubt if it ever will be on this earth. But I move forward, day by day, living life to the fullest with my Best Friend: the One who knows my journey from start to finish.

"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom." (Henri Nouwen)

Update on the School Situation

On Wednesday I wrote a lengthy letter to the president of the school, explaining the situation and asking for his intervention. He has since responded and has promised to look into the matter. Now it's just a waiting game.

In the meantime I've been looking into other options. One problem that I didn't think about at first was health benefits. If I work part time and am in school part time my benefits will be discontinued. The only way I can have benefits is to either be in school full-time (and thus be covered by the family plan) or be working full-time (and thus be covered by my employers plan).

Health benefits are pretty much essential for me. The medication that I'm on is pricey and if I run into any other problems, I need coverage. Had I not had a health plan this past year I would have been in big trouble (actually one interesting fact for you- I was told by one of my nurses that between the government and my family plan, at least $300,000 shelled out for my care. Isn't that crazy?!?).

So no decisions have been made yet. I'm trying my best to focus on my current school work and not think about the worst-case scenario. I'm very confident that God has a plan for me even in this and I trust that He will reveal that to me in His perfect timing!

My Photo

Almost exactly a year ago I headed out to New Brunswick to attend a radio seminar and afterwards had the opportunity to do some sight-seeing.

Well one of the sights I saw was Dickson Falls in Fundy National Park. A photo I took of the falls is currently featured on canada.com (the website of canwest- Global TV, The National Post, etc.).

Check it out here and let me know what you think!

Just one of those days

Last night a friend emailed me this scripture verse (thanks Byron):

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4, The Message)

Reading it last night and recalling it today was nothing short of divine. You see today hasn't been a very good day. I received some news regarding my schooling that isn't good and I don't quite know what to do about it.

You see the original plan was for this semester of school to run from January 1st to April 30th. The thought behind this was I was supposed to be healed by January and have enough energy to resume my university studies. When that didn't happen I spoke to people both at the school and at the student loan centre to request an extension on my courses. Between getting treatments every day and having not at whole lot of energy because of the infections I knew that I could not complete my courses by the end of April. As it turned out, my incision only ended up healing then anyways.

Both the school and the student loan centre agreed that this was a valid reason for an extension and granted it, with the promise that my next round of courses would start July 1st and my loan would remain in tact.

Well today I received a message from the school that I'm not allowed to start my next round of courses in July because my student loan has been cancelled for the year. For whatever reason, someone at the school decided that it would be a good idea to do this without my permission and now there is nothing I can do about it except apply again and wait until October to start. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world except that by cancelling my loan I am no longer eligible for any assistance from here on out.

On top of that, by cancelling my student loan, the school forfeited the grant that I was supposed to receive next month. The grant was worth almost $3000.

So now I'm trying to figure out my options. As it stands they are as follows:

-Quit school, find a job and count my loses.
-Find a job in July and work until November, then re-apply for school and pay for it with my job earnings. Repeat this cycle until I'm finished school.
-Find a part-time job and work while studying at a reduced course load.
-Move to the Cayman islands and live on the beach.

Right now the last option sounds like the most appealing one! ;)

Seriously as of right now I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I still have a lot of work that I need to do to finish up the courses I'm in right now and I don't need the distraction. I'm also determined not too think about it too much because thinking isn't going to help me make a decision, but prayer will.

And at the same time I've been reminded, both through that Bible verse and through my life experiences as of recently, that this is happening for a reason. I may not know the reason, but I do know that God is in control of my life. I'm also very much aware that God is my provider, not the student loan people and if wants me to continue on with this, He will make a way!

Word of Life

Check out this powerful article from James MacDonald:

Words of Life
By Dr. James MacDonald
Proverbs 15:4 “ A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”
James 1:26 “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”

Without exception, all of us know first-hand what a blessing and what a weapon words can be. Throughout Proverbs and James we read that life and death are in the power of the tongue.

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life,” says Proverbs 15:4. Tender, good words, spoken from the heart, at just the right time promotes joyful relationships. But the flip side is also true, “ but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Perverseness means “crooked.” Perverseness is twisting someone’s words so they’re distorted from what they meant. Perverseness brings hurt and harm. Proverbs 15:4 says those kinds of words have the power to break the spirit; it’s painful to admit—we shatter and wound those we love with the words we say.

Maybe you wonder why your spouse keeps their distance. Why can’t I connect with my son? Why am I not close to my friend like I used to be? Ask yourself, “Have I wounded their spirit by something I’ve said to them?” When a person’s spirit is injured, they close themselves off to you. They put up a wall. Ask God to bring to your mind the gentle words to say to them to make it right. Start with these five things:

#1 A word of regret. Go to your loved one and say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t let yourself off with the big catch-all “sorry.” Be specific. Say, “I’m sorry I said this,” “I’m sorry I did that.”

#2 A word of responsibility. “It’s my fault. I have no excuse. Please forgive me.” Sure, others have a role in the conflict, but you can’t fix anyone else. Do your part.

#3 A word of hope. “I’m going to try harder.” Again, be specific. “I’m going to try harder at affection; I’m going to try harder at attention. I’m going to try harder at listening to you.”

#4 A word of commitment. “I’m here for you. We’re going to get through this together. Nothing will change my love for you.” Make sure your loved one knows that. Most people will flourish in that commitment.

#5 A word of affection. “I love you.” Say it sincerely. Say it till it comes easily from your lips. If you didn’t grow up with that kind of affirmation, you might need to work a little harder at this one, but break the chain and be the solution in your family.

Think honestly about the words spoken in your circle of loved ones. Today, you have the power to bless or to hurt them. Choose to plant the tree of life by the words you say.

Must Read Article

We've all been hearing a lot about the AIDS crisis lately and rightly so. There's an epidemic that needs all of our attention, but all too often it becomes easy to sit back and let the words bounce off of our filters that stops things from penetrating our hearts.

But thankfully there are people who are working tirelessly to get our attention on the subject and one of these people is Kay Warren (wife of Purpose Driven Life author Rick Warren). Click here to read an article of hers, published on CNN. It's a must read for any follower of Christ!

It's time that we all get disturbed.

I'll Be Happy When ____________

We don't have to look very far to see people who are searching for something. Actually pulling out a mirror could do that for most people. Let's face it: no matter who we are or where we come from, we are all looking for something more.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say I'll be happy when I get a promotion or I'll be happy when I have more in my bank account or I'll be happy when I have a significant other or I'll be happy when ____________ (fill in the blank).

As a result we've become a Starbuck drinking, ipod listening, suv driving, credit card buying generation and we're still not happy. Then we convince ourselves that if only our lives were different, we'd be happy. So we buy lottery tickets and hope for our fifteen minutes of fame and when that doesn't pan out, we still hope because we've convinced ourselves that if only we were rich and famous, then we'd be content.

Well recently I read an interview with someone who put a hole in that theory. Jim Carrey (who happens to be both rich and famous) said: "I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that's not the answer."

This is coming from someone who lives in a California mansion, who has made more than $25 million for shooting just one film (Bruce Almighty) and who in 2003 was named Hollywood's top-paid actors. Most people would think Jim Carrey would be on top of the world, but he honestly admits that the money, the fame, and even having everything you could dream of is not the answer.

So what is the answer? It may sound simplistic, but really the answer is Jesus.

Jesus is the only One who can complete us (Col. 2:10). Jesus is the only One who can heal us, from both the inside and out (1 Peter 2:24). Jesus is the only One who can give us lasting joy (John 16:22). Jesus is the only One who can give us peace, even in the midst of troubling times (Phil. 4:7). Jesus is the answer to what we are looking for.

And we are looking. In their chart topping song "Meant To Live" Switchfoot sings:

"We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life.
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?"

I believe many of us have lost ourselves but the good news is we can also be found. The same shepherd who left the ninety-nine for the one who wandered off finds us wherever we are. And when we allow Him to, He comes in and changes us from the inside out.

We were meant to live for so much more. Thank God because it would be a pretty depressing world if we weren't.

Update

So I've been back from the big city for almost a week now and I know a few of you have been asking how the trip went. Thanks for your concern and sorry about not posting earlier. This week has been hectic in every sense of the word!

The trip didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted it to. I mean it was good to get some time away with my family, but the reason why we were there wasn't good. The doctor in Toronto said that my Mom does have skin cancer (again). Fortunately instead of doing surgery right away, there is a new procedure that is being tried out. So in a month from now we'll be going back to see if that worked. Please pray that it does.

Sometimes life can be hard, but as hard as it gets I'm reminded over and over that God is truly with me. I'm also reminded that things could be a lot worse than they are and for that reason alone I'm trying not to complain about this latest development and some other stuff that's going on right now.

So again thanks for your prayers- they are truly appreciated and I would be humbled if you would continue to pray for my Mom. Also while you're at it, please pray for my friend Eric's father- he's in the hospital and not doing well right now. Thank you.

Toronto Bound

Tomorrow morning my family and I are heading down to Toronto for a couple of days. My Mom sees a specialist there once a year and the doctor here decided it's better to go sooner rather than later (the original plan was August).

So it's kind of last minute in a lot of ways, but I think it'll be good for the family to spend some quality time together!

So if you guys could pray for safe travel and a good doctors appointment, it would be much appreciated!

God Bless.

Kristen

Suffering With Those Who Suffer

In his book "The Hungering Dark" Frederick Buechner wrote: "When someone we love suffers, we suffer with that person, and we would not have it otherwise, because the suffering and the love are one, just as it is with God's love for us."

What I believe Buechner is getting at here is the point that part of being a Christian, encompassed in the love of God, is loving others and experiencing life with them fully- both the highs and the lows. When this is lived out within the Church it is a truly beautiful thing.

Seeing this love that suffers with those who suffer is truly an amazing experience and whenever I have privilege of seeing it, I can't help but ask myself how often do I give myself to this type of love even during the hard times of my life? Because even when we are suffering ourselves, it doesn't mean that God no longer expects us to love others in the same way. Suffering doesn't give us a "get out of love free" card that we can hang onto until things get better. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Really, there is no better time when we can truly love than when we are experiencing suffering ourselves.

One of the main reasons being because we can truly understand what the other person is going through. Even though it's not one of the best things to have in common in our minds, it's that common ground that builds a relationship and allows love, God's love, to flow forth.

Maybe that's the reason why many of those who run pregnancy crisis centers have had a crisis pregnancy themselves, or why often those who work with the homeless were first once homeless themselves. I'm not saying this is always the case, but often it is. God uses our life experiences to allow us to love others who are in the same place that we once were or even currently are.

In the end though, the question all comes down to: are we going to allow ourselves to be used of God in this way? It isn't easy to come alongside of someone who is hurting, but it is necessary! God wants to use His people to accomplish His work here in His world. And if we don't do it, He will find someone else who's willing and then we've missed out of being a part of something truly beautiful.

My Birthday In Review

First off- thanks to everyone who called, emailed, messaged, commented, and e-carded (is that even a word?) to wish me a Happy Birthday- I appreciate you all so much!

I had a great day. I took the day off from school and spent the majority of it doing whatever I wanted, which was so nice! :)

So for me the perfect day was sleeping in, going out for breakfast, reading a good book, spending time with Jesus, watching a movie uninterrupted, spending time in the outdoors, eating my favorite foods for dinner, spending time with family, and playing mini-golf.

And of course the day wouldn't be complete without birthday presents! :) I got some speakers for my ipod, a promise from my bro (written on a post-it note) for two free rounds of golf, some golf balls (that I hope I don't lose), and some clothing.

And then tonight I was surprised with a belated birthday cake from everyone at C&C (see photo)- thanks guys!

I am very excited to see what my 23rd year on this earth is all going to bring. Year 22 was very challenging, painful, scary, and heartbreaking at times, but looking back it was also very good.

Thank you Jesus for the gifts of family and friends. And above all, thank you for the gift of LIFE! May I honor You in every moment of every day that I'm given here and may each decision I make have an eternal impact on LIFE There.

Updated Links

I've updated the links that appear here on the right-hand side of the page. I've posted links to most of my articles that are online and I've also added a link to my amazon.ca wishlist (just in case anyone is still looking for a last minute birthday present for me lol).

Enjoy!

Living

During one of my interviews at GMA Week I spoke with a band who had recently faced a number of personal tragedies and as I spoke with them and they shared their stories and I shared mine, one thing kept rising to the surface of our conversation and that was that we shouldn't wait for tomorrow to do what should be done today.

We shouldn't wait until tomorrow to call someone we need to call today. We shouldn't wait until tomorrow to do that thing that we've been putting off and could do today. We shouldn't wait until tomorrow to live the life that we've been given today.

This isn't an easy lesson to learn, but it's one that I have been learning, and in the process I've been changing. I've been coming to grab hold of each day in a new way and embrace the gift that is found in moments.

Playing baseball with my family. Doing embarrassing things with friends. Stepping aside from work to enjoy an afternoon walk through the neighborhood. Turning off the TV to spend some time with Jesus. Living life the way it was meant to be lived.

"Live. And Live Well.
BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply.
Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke.
And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven.
And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift." (Kyle Lake)

Finally!

After six months of sickness and lifting restrictions, my incision has finally healed!!! Now while I would have never chosen this journey for myself, in the process I did learn a lot. These lessons aren't new by any means, but they have been engraved on my heart and I don't think I'll forget them too quickly.

I'm learning..

-That making a puzzle is not a bad way to spend an afternoon.
-That there is a lot of value that can be found in the ordinary.
-That it's okay to say that things aren't okay, to admit that I have a need or to rely on someone else.
-That a healed soul is more important than a healed body.
-That there's something holy about silence.
-That sometimes the simplest things are the hardest things to do.
-That pride can kill: literally.
-That a meal tastes much better when shared with the company of friends and family.
-That there is joy to be found in both noise and silence.
-That evangelism is a conversation, not a speech.
-That sometimes it takes a scare to make you realize what is sacred.
-That God's strength can bridge any gap that our weakness may have made.
-That little surprises make up for big disappointments.
-That being a person of integrity is one of the greatest gifts that I could give those around me.
-That no matter how bad things look, they could always look worse.
-That a smile goes a long way in changing someone's day.
-That God's light shines even brighter in times of darkness.
-That miracles do happen everyday, I just miss out on them way too often.
-That cards are far more valuable than gifts.
-That music stirs the soul and sparks hope.
-That with God there are no coincidences, only organizing of circumstances that lead us down a road that has twists, turns, and bumps, but leads us straight to His Holy Throne.
-That I'm lucky to be alive.

Kristen

Resurrection Life

In that one moment everything changed. Darkness became Light. Sorrow became Joy. Despair became Hope. Death became Life.

That moment happened over two thousand years ago when Christ Jesus was raised from the dead after experiencing the most brutal type of death known to man. And that moment's ripples are still being felt today.

When the ripple from the resurrection touches our own lives, everything changes. A bitter heart becomes tender. The most darkest circumstance radiates light. The person breathing their last breath truly discovers life.

And yet all too often we don't see it. We walk through the trenches of life blind to everything else but the muck right in front of us. That's not what Jesus came to give us. He may not stop the rain from falling, but at the same time, He stands in the rain with us and points to the sun that's still shining above those rain clouds. He takes our hand and leads us through the puddles, reminding us to stop to watch the children playing in the rain and then invites us to join them. And in those moments He opens our eyes to the life-giving power that exists even in those drops of rain.

That is the story of Easter and that is the life that exists when we invite Jesus to walk with us. No, it's not perfect. But yes, it is good.

Resurrection = Life. Both here and in the world to come.

GMA Week!

So after an incredible week I'm back home in Timmins. For those of you who didn't know, I had the amazing privilege of attending GMA Week in Nashville, TN. The week was amazing and truly one of the best in my life! If you're interested in hearing more details, keep reading...

Friday
Friday evening after flying a whole lot of miles, I arrived in Nashville. We checked into the beautiful Renaissance hotel and had a great view from the 14th floor!

Saturday
While many of the artists were still making their way to Nashville, GMA was in full-swing for those in radio. All day Saturday was spent in seminars, training us to be better at what we do and reminding us all why we do what we do. It was amazing to meet many legends in Christian radio and to be taught by some of the most respected people in the industry.

After my final class on Saturday I wandered around downtown and took in the sights of Nashville. It seemed like no matter what store or restaurant I went into had live music, which was different, but really good. I even took in a country set at an ice cream parlour that I stopped in. It made the wait for the ice cream go by much faster! After I went back the hotel my roommate and I went to the Nashville Predators game with some fellow Canadians. I had never been to an NHL game before, so it was a lot of fun! Nashville even won the game against St. Louis which added to the experience.

Sunday
Sunday morning I climbed out of bed nice and early for the chapel service. Lincoln Brewster led us in amazing time of worship (Southern-style of course) and he was followed by Joe Meyer who delivered an anointed message for the church.

Every day at GMA different organizations and record labels sponsored industry lunches (translation free food, great concerts, and lots of schmoozing). I skipped the lunch on Sunday to attend an artist Meet & Greet and had the chance to meet Krystal Meyers, Matthew West, Bethany Dillon, Brian Litteral (yes, the backstreet boy), Third Day, Rebecca St. James, Audio Adrenaline, Warren Barfield, and Building 429. At more than one point during the meet and greet I couldn't help but be amazed that I was standing in such company- it was a weird but amazing experience!

The afternoon was spent doing more Meet and Greets and a liner session. It was refreshing to see the hearts behind a lot of the artists and to hear in their own words the stories behind the songs that have impacted so many people. Sunday afternoon I also had my first interview of the week with Eowyn, who's new album will be releasing this month and let me tell you, it's a good one!

On Sunday evening we headed over to the historic Ryman for Sunday Evening Worship put on by the Passion artists. The evening started with worship lead by Chris Tomlin and was followed by Charlie Hall and one of my favourites: the David Crowder Band. Louie Giglio spoke on the different flavours of worship and how we shouldn't get so caught up when someone else's flavour is different than our own.

After the worship experience I went back to the Renaissance hotel for the Songwriters Showcase, which was hosted by Matthew West. This was the time for the writers of some of the top songs of the year to have the opportunity to perform their hits and explain the inspiration behind the music. Performers included Joy Williams, Matthew West, Mac Powell of Third Day, Bebo Norma, Christa Wells, Jadon Lavik, and Barlowgirl.

Monday
Monday morning I met up with Jason and Aaron of Hawk Nelson for an interview. We had a chance to talk about their new album Smile, It's The End of The World and what it was like to appear in the movie Yours, Mine, and Ours. Following the interview I went to hear Donald Miller, the author of Blue Like Jazz, speak. I'd have to say I enjoyed his speaking even moreso than his writing. Much like his books, his message was both humorous and timely.

The rest of the day Monday was filled with interviews (The Violet Burning, Kids in the Way, DJ Maj, Paul Wright, and Superchick) and as many classes as I could fit in between. Monday evening I went to the World Vision Showcase where I say performances by The Longing, Anthony Evans, Third Day, Big Daddy Weave, Building 429, Joy Williams, Natalie Grant, Todd Agnew, Russ Lee, Avalon and Casting Crowns. It was an unbelievable experience to be hit with one stellar performance after another!

Tuesday
Tuesday morning I got up bright and early to attend a worship breakfast. It was great to start the day with a time of spiritual renewal and refreshing. At 9:30 I headed upstairs for my first interview with KJ-52, which was followed by an interview with Sanctus Real and Falling Up, then before lunch I got in on a class. After lunch I interviewed Starfiled, Skillet, Jonah33, Flyleaf, and then headed to my last interview with T-bone.

Tuesday night I went to a showcase hosted by BEC Recordings and Tooth and Nail. We saw performances by Run Kid Run, Mainstay, Seventh Day Slumber, Falling Up, and Hawk Nelson. After a quick break the Rock U night got underway with performances by CircleSide, Decyfer Down, Downhere, The Afters, Flyleaf, Disciple, and Skillet. It was a very loud, yet very amazing night!

Wednesday
Wednesday morning I was supposed to attend another worship session, but was so tired that I decided to get in another few hours of sleep instead (I know, I'm horrible!). After getting up I went to my final class of the week and then wandered around downtown for a while before lunch. Lunch was put on by EMI and included performances from Hawk Nelson, Sanctus Real, Kutless, and other great artists. Tobymac made a special appearance to introduce a Gotee artist and even sat down at the piano with her for one song!

Wednesday afternoon I had an interview set up, but it was cancelled because the artist was having vocal trouble so I headed back to spend some much needed resting time in my room (as you can probably imagine, there wasn't much free time this week). And pretty soon it was time to get ready for the Dove Awards.

The Dove Awards was another world all together. It was my first time attending an awards show, so I didn't know exactly what to expect and was quite surprised with the professionalism of the whole event- it was just like what you see on TV with the Grammy's and such! But the one big difference being that most of the glory at the Dove's was being given to God. I'd almost say that it was more a time of worship than it was a time of awards.

As far as who won awards, there were a few surprises. I was very happy to see that Christa Wells walked away with songwriter of the year for the song "Held" (performed by Natalie Grant). Chris Tomlin took home five Doves including: Song of the Year, Male Vocalist of the Year, Artist of the Year, Worship Song of the Year, and one other that I can't remember at the moment. Mat Kearney won a Dove for his song Trainwreck. Tobymac and T-bone took home an award for The Slam. Switchfoot walked away with the honors in the Short Form Music Video of the Year. And KJ-52 took a Dove home with him for Rap/Hip-hop Album of the Year.

During the awards ceremony, Mac Powell, David Crowder, Jeremy Camp, and Mark Hall came on stage to perform a tribute to Steven Curtis Chapman. Steven won his 50th Dove Award that night and they honoured him, first with a video and then by playing a few of his songs. The tribute ended with them leading the crowd in "Dive" and Steven was visibly surprised by the tribute. The audience gave him the longest standing ovation that I've ever heard...

Conclusion
On Thursday we packed up and headed back to Canada. By the time we got to Toronto it was too late for me to catch the last flight out to Timmins for the night, so I stayed overnight as planned and returned home Friday afternoon.

To try and sum it up, GMA Week was an amazing experience for me, both professionally and personally. During my long bout with illness, Christian music was such an encouragement to me. It seemed like no matter how sick I felt or how bad the pain was, there was always the right song playing at the right time. So you can imagine how amazing it was for me to meet the people behind the music and to connect with many of them.

Professionally, I learned so much it's hard to believe! The instructors were incredible and it wasn't hard to see that their one desire to be teach people how to make great radio. Hopefully I'll be able to take what I learned and do their teachings justice!

I am very humbled by the investment that was made in me and the MAD ministry by sending me to this great week!

To see some of my photos from GMA Week, click here.

The Start of a Journey

After three months of looking forward to it, tomorrow I'm off for GMA Week in Nashville! I fly out of Timmins Friday morning and will return the following Friday (April 7th). Following the most direct route Nashville is 1827 km away from home (that's 1135 miles)- praise God for the inventions of airplanes!

Needless to say I'm pretty pumped up for the week- I still can't believe that I've been blessed with this opportunity! I've got interviews lined up with Hawk Nelson, Superchick, Kids in the Way, Starfield, Paul Wright, Skillet, Kevin Max, and so many other great artists- it's going to be a blast!

Also after the what the past couple of months have held for me, I'm really looking forward to the change of scenery and the change of pace. As I found out on my trip to the East Coast of Canada last year, there's something special about leaving what you know and exploring what you don't. It a journey. And for me journeys are holy moments.

I'm not sure what internet access will be like and if I'll even have any spare time to post, but if I do, you'll be hearing from me at some point throughout the week. In the meantime, I covet your prayers for a safe trip, for good health, and ultimately for a spiritual journey that leaves me forever changed.

"So my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God.

We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God had established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go, It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you: Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed." (Donald Miller- Through Painted Deserts)

Claim To Fame

Recently I've come up with another one of my infamous "claim to fame" ideas. But unlike all of the other silly ideas that I've come up with, I think this one may actually work.

As reality television continues to climb in popularity and as webcasting is becoming easier and easier, I've found the perfect way to combine the two: with my own reality tv show broadcast on the internet. Brace yourself cause this is going to be good.

You see my family is infamous for one thing: our dinner time conversations. It's almost embarrassing to have people over for supper because we can get a little out of control. But with these random tangets comes a lot of laughs.

Don't believe me? I'll let you in on one recent dinner time conversation (and these are word-for-word quotes):

Senior 1: "Your cat is biting me." Reply: "I hope not- we don't have a cat."
Senior 1: "I went bezerk- I lost control!"
Senior 1: "I killed a man once." Dead silence in the room for one minute. "Well, I almost killed a man."
Youth 1: "I'd rather smell a smoker than a chimney."
Senior 2: "Looking back now, I'm convinced that my father was on drugs."
Senior 1 to lady talking about her sick husband: "What are you complaining about? Everyone has to die!"
Senior 1 after that conversation: "I spent a useless morning talking to her."

And this is just a glimpse. During one point in the dinner my sister and I were laughing so hard that we were shaking, thus the idea of our own webcasted reality tv show came into being.

Wouldn't you watch a show like that? I think I just may have something here...

On the topic of reality (and web based) television, check out some hilarious videos on Google Idol.

He Is Enough

One of my article's titled He Is Enough has just been posted on relevantmagazine.com.

Click here to give it a read.

A Preview Just For You!

As some of you may or may not know I spent a good deal of my summer working on a book project titled "Walking Through A Fallen World". The primary of the focus being why bad things happen to good people and what we can learn from the hard times in our lives.

I was even blessed to be given a publishing agreement for the book, but unfortunately I found out just recently that the publisher was sold to another and I got lost in the shuffle.

But I'm not letting that stop me. I've revised the book to tell my story of the past couple of months, while incorporating the teaching portion of it around the story. The new title is "From The ER to the OR: A Spiritual Journey Through Illness" and I've spoken to a few publishers about it and I'm hopeful that it will be published soon.

In the meantime I thought I would give you guys a preview. Below are links where you can download or read the first three chapters. If you can't read them in that format, please email me and I will send it to you as a .doc file.

How Did I Get So (Un)lucky?
Can Someone Turn Off That Megaphone?
Christmas In October (And other ER adventures)

If you have a chance to read the chapters, I'd love to hear your feedback on it! Drop me an email or leave a comment here!

What A Story!

Check out this inspiring story about an autistic boy who's dreams were made true when he was brought in to play during the last game of the year for his high school's basketball team.

I won't give the whole story away, but I will say that this is the kind of story that movies are made of. Watch the video: you'll laugh and you'll cry.

John Piper on missions:

"The reason man was created in the beginning and the reason the church is being recreated in the end is for the worship of God. Missions therefore is neither God's primary end nor the primary end of the church. It is a means to the primary end of worship. Missions exists because worship doesn't. There will be no missions in the age to come. Worship will be our life. Missions is not our ultimate goal. It is a means to our goal.

We cut off the power of the cause of missions when we give it a place in our churches and in our hearts that belongs only to worship. If the pursuit of man's good is not ordered below the pursuit of God's glory in the priorities of the church and the affections of the heart, man will not be well served and God will not be honored."

Your thoughts?

God's Provisions

So my business cards came in today, take a look:

Normally I wouldn't make such a purchase, but thanks to a very generous gift, this year I will be attending GMA Week in Nashville where I'm told having a business card comes in very handy.

But what does this have to do with anything? Stay with me for a minute.

In Matthew 6:32-33 Jesus gave us an amazing promise when He said:

"Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."

And I have seen the promise of that verse delivered over and over again.

Even recently. In December I received a phone call telling me that I was being given an all-expense paid trip to GMA Week and the awards ceremony afterwards. Now I know very well that I could never have been able to pay for the trip on my own, but God provided through the generosity of another radio station. And this went way beyond providing for daily needs.

Then just this week I had another experience with God's provisions. I make my income by doing computer consulting and instruction on the side, but because of my illness I have had to turn down a lot of jobs over the past couple of the months, so funds have been really tight.

But then the other day I was going through my mail and found a letter from the university that I attend. Also in the envelope was a check for a couple hundred dollars! It turns out I was the one student picked for an award that I never even applied for- talk about a blessing!

And so on March 31st I will be leaving Timmins for a week in Music City USA where I will meet many of the artists that I play on the radio show and I will have the opportunity to be trained by some of the best broadcasters in the industry. And not only is everything provided for from the plane ticket to the hotel to my admission to the events, but now thanks to another provision, I will even have some spending money in my pocket!

Thank you Lord for the gifts you send our way and forgive me for all the times I question first and trust second.

Dancing With Jesus

This weekend I attended interdenominational ladies retreat held here in Timmins. While I'm now on IV antibiotics to treat my infection, thanks to God's perfect timing, I was still able to attend most of the sessions even if that meant getting lots of questions about "what did you do to your hand?"

On Friday night the speaker (Kathy Mainse from 100 Huntley Street) talked about how God wants to be our lover, not just our master, potter, and shepherd. After her message we spent some time in prayer and while I was sitting there praying, I felt someone standing next to me and suddenly a lady started praying for me. After she finished praying she said: "I see you waltzing with Jesus- Jesus wants to dance with you."

Now I am probably one of the biggest skeptics that there is when it comes to stuff like this, but as soon as she said these words I knew that it was from God. Let me tell you why:

This last summer was an amazing time spiritually for me. My relationship with God was flourishing and I literally felt like most of the time I was dancing with Jesus. He would lead and together we would move through life to the beat of His rhythm. And the more time we spent together "dancing", the closer we got and the deeper our relationship became. But then things changed.

When it happened for sure I don't know, but sometime over the past couple of months, I stopped dancing. It wasn't a sudden thing but as I began to get sicker and sicker, I danced less and less. Then the dancing stopped completely. It wasn't like my relationship with Christ dissolved, in fact my faith was never stronger, but those intimate moments became few and far between.

So when that lady said "I see you waltzing with Jesus- Jesus wants to dance with you" it was like my eyes were opened wide. In that moment I realized that the discontentment I was feeling wasn't from my illness, but from the missing intimacy between Christ and I. Where once we moved spontaneously through life and our relationship was filled with excitement and fire, I had unknowingly fallen back into the religious structure of a forced formula friendship: "take 15 minutes of Bible reading, add ten minutes of prayer, subtract one sin, add three good deeds and God is happy and so are you" kind of thing.

And I'm happy to say that thanks to this weekend, that structure has been removed. I'm "dancing" again and I'm loving every minute of it. And the more time I spend dancing, the more Christ pulls me to Himself and the clearer His voice becomes and then it doesn't really matter if we're dancing all by ourselves in a world filled with chaos and strife. All that matters is that I'm moving to His rhythm through this life and drawing nearer to my King- that's exactly what I want my life to be about.

This Confirms What I Always Knew...

and maybe explains my addiction to 24:


Jack Bauer


Which 24 Character are you?

Satisfying the Soul

Yesterday I re-arranged my room. Well correction: my Mom and brother re-arranged my room while I stood by and directed traffic (lifting is still a no-no). While they were moving things here and there I had the thought "this room would really make a great office", but then reality kicked in and I realized that my bed has to go somewhere and my Mom isn't willing to knock down any walls (trust me, I asked).

I don't know what it is, but I really want an office. Maybe it has something to do with having to study at the kitchen table, record the radio show in my Mom's room, and an answer a slew of emails when fielding everyone else's social calls. Or maybe I just want an office.

Just recently I was promised "anything I wanted". Foolishly I went big and asked for a car. Today no car sits in my driveway and I sit here and stare at four walls and dream of what could have been.

But today I realized that being given an office wouldn't solve the problem. Sure, I would have a consistent place to study, read, record the show, and answer emails, but an office won't solve the real issue of finding satisfaction. True satisfaction is never going to be found in computers, cars, ipods, or even offices. Trying to find satisfaction through chasing wants is always a waste of time because there's always going to be another want (Proverbs 27:20).

I'm learning more and more that true satisfaction can only be found in one place: our relationship with Christ. It can't be found in riches, or perfect health, or other relationships. It can only be found in Him.

As C.S. Lewis once wrote:

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

So today instead of wishing for a bigger room or a new office, I'm going to take the space I am blessed to have and spend some time alone seeking satisfaction in the right place. In the only place.

"It is a solemn thing, and no small scandal in the Kingdom, to see God's children starving while actually seated at the Father's table." A.W. Tozer