Jotting Thoughts

Suddenly I feel this overwhelming desire to write and it's a great feeling. For the longest time that desire was very suppressed. Trying to complete school while keeping up with work and ministry, all while having limited energy because of my sleep problems meant that at the end of the day (or night) I had nothing left to give. But now that I'm out of school for the time being and I've got my own little office set up, so I'm free to write into the late hours of the night without bothering anybody and it's great. And I am excited to write.

Write what? I'm not quite sure yet. I do a lot of writing for work, which is great. I write devotionals for the radio show. But I want to write more than that.

I've been toying with a novel idea for a few years now and it suddenly seems like the right time to start putting words down on paper. I don't know if it will ever progress into a full-length novel or if will sound as interesting on paper as it does in my head, but I'm trying it out.

I'm also flooded with material for a workshop that I'll be putting on next month and suddenly it's looking like there's potential for much more beyond the workshop. So I'm collecting information, jotting thoughts, and seeing where that road is leading.

These words I write may go no further than the four walls of my office. But to me it doesn't really matter. I'm doing something I love and I'm doing it with absolutely no pressure. There's no deadlines or teachers or editors waiting to read what I write. There's just me, God, and a keyboard. I'm taking risks. I'm going further than I've gone before and it's an exhilarating experience.

Words are good.

"Paul didn't know where he was going, but he did know why." (Erwin McManus)

Ushering In The New

It's another new year. With a new year brings new challenges, new obstacles, but also new opportunities for joy.

As I look a head into 2008 I can see many good things coming my way. I'm pumped up to be leading a workshop for teens at a ladies retreat in February. This summer my brother, Mom, and I are heading out on a killer vacation. And between work and ministry, I've got a lot of things to look forward to.

But at the same time, there are challenges a head. My sleep (or lack thereof) is still a huge problem- one that doesn't yet have an answer or solution. And I'm facing a situation right now that is spiralling out of control and the only thing I can do is learn how to let go.

But in the midst of the good and the bad I'm reminded that we serve a God who is very consistent. A God who loves us very much. And a God who offers us a loyal love with no comparison:

"'For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessing will never broken,' says the Lord, who has mercy on you." Isaiah 54:10

In 2008 I hope to, above all, get to know this loving and merciful God better. To experience more of the richness and joy that can be found in even one moment with our loving Saviour.

My Soundtrack of 2007

So 2007 has come to a close and as a way of looking back, I thought I'd do something a little different. It's no secret that music is a huge part of my life, so for each month of the past year I'm posting lyrics from a song that really resonated with me during that time. Some fit the circumstances I faced perfectly. Others were songs that provided me with hope and peace. And others just spoke loudly at the moment. Enjoy.

January
"Raise our glasses to puzzle pieces
And the way they fit together
We never saw till now.
Here's to questions that need their answers
In the bright light of hindsight
Will all become clear somehow."
Tara Leigh Cobble- Here's To Hindsight

February
"A child is but for so long
Turn around those days are gone
Nothing can replace the years of youth
I have swallowed lies that tasted true
The plans I thought were sent from You
When all You wanted was for me To be still

The burning in the heart
Of man’s deepest desire
Is rising like a flame
The burning in the heart
Of our deepest desire
Rising like a flame
Burning higher and higher
Burning in the heart Of our deepest desire
Is to know You"
Phil Joel - The Man You Want Me To Be

March
"She would change everything,
Everything just ask her
Caught in the in between
Of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home."
Jon McLaughlin- Beautiful Disaster

April
"One eye on the clock and one the phone
It's 5:19, I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you, I'd want you to know
That holding loose, ain't letting go."
Matt Wertz- 5:19

May
"I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying of fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose, I'll never wake up without an overdose of You."
Skillet- Comatose

June
"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours, grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came."
The Fray- How To Save A Life

July
"I’m on the brink of disaster
Staring down the consequences
To break heart would be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to fail
I’m going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear

But the fact of the matter
I’m out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Night falls with no grace
I said I can do anything
But I can do anything wrong
And with burning speed the rear-view says
it’s catching up to me
But I’m already gone."
Mae- Brink of Disaster

August
"Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me.

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
When you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so that I could see
That you never were the best for me."
Daughtry- Over You

September
"I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it"
U2- Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

October
"And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on"
U2- Walk ON

November
"Kind of funny how a life can change
Everything gets re-arranged
Nothing's ever going to be the same
Day after day, page after page."
Paul Wright- 5th and Broadway

December
"Was I there for the worst of all your pain?
And was I there when your blue skies ran away?
Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet?
Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you
I'm the One that you've been looking for
I'm the One that you've been waiting for
I've had My eyes on you ever since you were born

I will love you after the rain falls down
I will love you after the sun goes out
I'll have My eyes on you after the world is no more."
Disciple- After The World

Christmas Questionnaire

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper- it makes opening a gift that much more fun!

2. Real tree or artificial?
Always real. I grew up in the country and getting a tree was a simple as walking outside with a saw. Now it's a little more complicated, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

3. When do you put up the tree?
About a week or two before Christmas.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Whenever it starts to die. One year we had a tree that actually started growing in the house! It was kind of cool, but we ended up taking it out by February. Christmas cheer only last so long ;)

5. Do you like eggnog?
Love it. My brother has a great recipe that I enjoy every year.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Probably my Easton aluminium hockey stick. I wanted one so badly and when I finally got it I was on cloud nine. I was convinced it was a lucky stick and I guess it was in a way. Seven goals in one game, yeah!

7. Do you have a Nativity scene?
Yup. I made the manger/stable when I was in high school and we've had the pieces since I was pretty young. And it shows. One of the wisemen is missing a hand- poor fellow.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
My sister.

9. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Stuff from the body shop. I was nine and not interested.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie?
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and the Muppets Christmas.

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Usually the first or second weekend of December.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Nope.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Fudge and peanut butter squares.

15. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
Colored- it just makes everything look more festive.

16. Favorite Christmas song?
For traditional, probably O Come All Ye Faithful. For modern, I love "Strange Way To Save The World" and "2000 Decembers Ago".

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Home. It's so wonderful to have family within a four block radius.

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers?
Of course. I took it very seriously as a kid.

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel who should have been thrown out years ago, but it's tradition.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
When I was younger we'd do one on Christmas eve and the rest on Christmas day. Now we save them all for Christmas morning.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
I wouldn't say it's annoying, but I really don't like how much pressure is put on people at this time of year. Especially for parents who don't have a lot of money and are put in the position of having to "keep up" with what other parents give their kids.

Grace

Grace has been on my mind a lot lately. Mainly because at College and Careers we've been going through a series based on Philip Yancey's book "What's So Amazing About Grace?"

It's amazing to me, this thought of grace. The fact that God knows us and still loves us. And grace is a key to the Christmas story, because without grace there would be no Bethlehem.

I can't even begin to comprehend the heart-wrenching decision that was made in heaven before that very first Christmas morning. The choice of a Father to send His Son to save a world that certainly didn't deserve it.

That's grace. And that's the cornerstone of the Christmas story. God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.

Amazing indeed.

Walk On

I've been listening to a lot of U2 lately. Especially the album "All That You Can't Leave Behind". I know everyone talks about "Joshua Tree", but I think "All That You Can't Leave Behind" is my favorite from U2. I don't know if it's because it's brilliant or it's because it's the one I relate to the most. And in the end, I don't think it really matters.

One song that's been on repeat a lot lately is "Walk On". The lyrics just resonate so loudly with where I've been finding myself lately:

"And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on"

Lately the temptation in my life has been to stop walking forward. To allow myself just to stay stuck in this place. And for a while I almost convinced myself it wouldn't be such a bad thing. After all, if anyone were to get a real glimpse into what my life has been like lately, they probably wouldn't blame me for doing so.

But I've decided to keep walking. Why? Because when I look back on my life I don't want to see wasted moments and opportunities. I don't want to have regret after regret. And to stop now, even though things are tough, would be something I would regret.

So I'm pressing on. Even though some days I may only move forward an inch, I'm making progress. I refuse to be stopped and be silenced by what keeps being thrown my way.

And it scares me to think of how close I came to doing so. Letting life circumstances speak for your life is a convenient excuse. And it's just that: an excuse. God knows exactly what we face everyday. And yet He still calls us to press on:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honour beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

So today, instead of focusing on problems and pain and sickness, I'm focusing on Jesus. And He's the One who I'm learning to depend on from start to finish. No, I haven't "arrived". But I am on the journey. And I think in the end the journey is what matters most.

Thankful for the Moments

The sound of Charlie Hall fills my ears and faintly in the background, I hear the clock ticking out each second. A moment in time never to be repeated again. Moments I have not always been so grateful for.

In this place, during the early morning hours, I have spent many moments watching pictures flash by on the TV screen. Hearing the words, but not letting them sink too far in. While my mind filtered the media, my heart felt a strange heaviness. And yes, sometimes bitterness.

You see, I'm not up at 2:00 am by choice. My life has changed drastically over the past year. Not be it by choice, but changed nonetheless. While my family enjoys a night of rest and refreshment, I sit downstairs unable to fall asleep. Sleep Apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, and Insomnia has seen to that.

So my nights pass by in a dark basement wide-awake. And my days pass by in front of a computer, trying to focus, but falling painfully short as my eyelids droop lower and lower.

To be thankful for such a "curse" has been a foreign concept. Because after all, before this condition blindsided me, I had lived a year and a half filled with sickness, pain, and fear. But being thankful for even this is the journey that I am on. Because where once I fought for "normal" nights, I have now accepted that this is the place I'm in and I am here for a reason. And knowing that is freeing.

With the turbulence that has been shaking up other areas of my life, maybe God knew I'd need these hours to myself. To think, reflect, and pray for His guidance and strength.

Is it difficult to live like this? Yes. Do I know when I will get better? No. But maybe those aren't the important questions.

Maybe the important question is "What am I going to do with this cross I have been called to bear?" I can fight it and by doing so, waste a lot of time and energy. Or I can accept it as part of His divine plan and look a head to the day where I see His plan perfectly in hindsight.

I've decided to choose the later of the two. After all, every moment is a gift. Whether it comes are 4:00 pm or 4:00 am.

Praise God from who all blessings flow. Even the ones we don't always recognize.

Finding The Gospel (In Unexpected Places)

As the title of this blog entry would indicate, lately I've been finding the truth of the gospel in unexpected places. In the books I'm reading. The tv I'm watching. The life I'm experiencing.

The stories I'm reading, watching, and living are about love. About redemption. And about a hope for something greater than what we're experiencing. And aren't those things the real essence of the gospel after all?

Unconditional love seen on DVD as a guy gets himself sent to prison, just to save the life of his brother who's about to die for a crime he did not commit.

Redemption seen in the story of a father, who after being absent for most of his child's upbringing, breaks down the barriers between his kid and himself. The child responds, and together they move towards a future without dwelling on the past.

Love and hope seen in the real life story of a mother who reaches out to her child time and time again, even though this child is verbally abusive, a perpetual liar, and is unable to give that kind of love that she receives. But still the mother loves, and the mother hopes that one day things will change.

These stories about love, hope, and redemption inspire me. Because honestly, it's easy to miss that kind of grace and beauty when we live the kind of lives that we do. Where we're faced with tragedies, pain, and heartbreak on an all-too frequent basis.

But when we do stop and recognize these incredible reflections of the gospel in the world around us, we get a glimpse into the heart of God. The kind of heart that crossed heaven and earth just to make sure that a bunch of sinners would receive the kind of love that He gives, undeserved as it may be.

And being able to find a glimpse of that beauty and grace, is a gift. One that sustains and inspires. It's my prayer to continue to find the heart of the gospel in unexpected places.

Tony Campolo

This video echo's the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind since reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.

Christianity, in North America especially, has been made way too complicated. Here Dr. Campolo explains how simple it really is.

A little too comfortable

Charles Swindoll wrote: "When you suffer and lose, that does not mean you are being disobedient to God. In fact, it might mean you're right in the center of His will. The path of obedience is often marked by times of suffering and loss."

I don't know why, but I didn't really consider that connection before. Sure, I knew that being a Christian brought on persecution. But suffering and loss? Well it wasn't something I associated with obedience before. Character growth, sure. Obedience? Not really.

But it really only makes sense. Looking at the the apostles lives doesn't make Christianity look that appealing. Not only did they face tremendous persecution, but their life circumstances weren't that great. And I'm realizing more and more, neither will ours be.

It seems like everytime life seems to settle, another storm brews in. But in reading the Bible, can we really expect anything else?

Should we expect fat paychecks? Large homes? Perfect families? Stress-free jobs? Nothing but loving people? The ideal church? I don't know why we get so surprised when life turns out to be the opposite. I don't know why I get so surprised.

I guess somewhere along the way Christianity has gotten confused with comfort. I'm beginning to see that they couldn't be more opposite. As Shane Claiborne wrote "God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable."

I think we've gotten a little too comfortable. I know I have.

The Art of Being

"What makes for a good [life] story is not necessarily a thrill-a-minute plot, but an eye for detail, loaded moments. It's the so-called mundane that is most often chock-full of the eternal." (Linford Detweiler)

Starting this entry off with that quote is somewhat of a disclaimer. Because if you thought you were in for grand tales of God-adventures and awe-inspiring moments that have been filling my time over these past few weeks, you're going to be disappointed.

My time away from school hasn't been filled with big ministry projects or any jaw-dropping revelations. But it has been so good. I guess instead of doing, I'm for the moment just being and it's something that was long overdue.

During this time of "being" I'm reconnecting with who I am and more importantly, who I am in Christ. I'm trying to get caught up on sleep and my prayers for rest are finally being answered. This week I had more good nights than I have had in the past eight months combined :)

I've been experiencing more of those loaded moments too. It's amazing how clear they become when the busyness of life is toned down even just a bit.

And above all, during this time I'm just learning that it's okay to not have everything figured out. I tried that game and failed miserably at it. Because the truth is, we really have very little control over our circumstances and there is no way we can ever have the road a head truly mapped out as hard as we may try. And you know what, that's okay. Because even though lately I can't physically drive because I'm so tired, my spiritual driving days have been gone for quite some time. God is in the driver's seat of this life. I'm just along for the ride. And what a ride it's been!

Jon Mclaughlin - Beautiful Disaster

I heard this song for the first time a couple weeks ago and it's been on repeat ever since. Check it out.

Summer Break!

So I'm officially on summer holidays from school. My original plan was to take four courses this summer, but my health had other ideas.

Although it's frustrating to put the courses off (and it was a huge hassle to do so), deep down I know I need the break. Just to catch up on sleep alone is reason enough.

So for the next month and a half I won't have a school agenda. I'll still have regular responsibilities with work and the radio show and stuff like that. But I'll be free from the heavy workload that consumes a lot of my time and I'll get to do the things that I really want to do. What are those things? Well...

I'd like to write more. Not a book (yet) or anything huge, but just put more thoughts down on paper.

I'd like to read more. When I'm in school I read so much during the day that when night comes around, I don't do very much if any. I've got a stack of books that are calling my name :)

And I'd like to switch rooms. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but the timing wasn't there. But now I'm moving all my stuff downstairs and my "old" room will be turned into an office (woo hoo!). This I think will be a really good thing because I'll be able to separate my life a little more. Plus I'll have a space of my own for school/work/radio/writing, so it'll be easier to focus and do good work.

So those are my plans for this summer. What are yours?

Great Weekend

I left Timmins Friday morning to make my way to the MORE Radio seminar in Barrie. I didn't realize how small the Timmins airport is until I've started flying much more in the past few years. You know you're in a small airport when the person who checks you in is the same one manning the gate and the same one taking the stairs away from the plane. No joke.

After landing in Toronto I treated myself to wonderful Columbian coffee, then jumped aboard the shuttle to Barrie. Side note: it feels wonderful to be catered to. The driver of the van came into the airport, personally brought me to the van and carried all my luggage. Then drove me right to my hotel and helped me get in the lobby with all my stuff. All for 46 bucks. Impressive.

I did a little bit of shopping after I got to Barrie. I was trying to track down some distilled water for the sleeping machine, which turned out to be an adventure. No one had any! 8 stores later I finally came across a store that only had four small bottles left. I bought them all and counted myself lucky. That night there was a BBQ to kick the weekend off, which was fantastic.

Saturday was filled with amazing classes. I learned so much and took pages and pages of notes. I even had the opportunity to sit down with a DJ from CHUM in Toronto and learn while he went over a CD of my show- it was an awesome experience! Saturday night we went out for dinner, then went on a sunset cruise. It was beautiful.

Sunday was filled with more very informative and inspiring classes. I probably took more notes that one day than I did the whole past year of schooling combined. I learned a lot about music selection, promotions, and management. It was great!

Besides having tons of fun, the weekend was also a great chance for me to try out my new camera. It has a great widescreen shot feature that I made good use of on the boat cruise. I still have lots to learn about the camera, so it's a work in progress :)

Monday I made my way back to Timmins- the trip ended up taking a lot longer than expected (2 flights were delayed/cancelled), but it was good. I had an opportunity to see the love of Christ in action and hopefully be seen as a reflection of that love. I find it to be such a powerful thing when people are willing to stop in there tracks to help complete strangers, who by the end of the encounter are no longer strangers at all!

It was an incredible trip and I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to go. And I'm even more grateful for the way that God provides for His children. It was a step of faith to go and God definitely provided in some pretty incredible ways! What a wonderful Father we all have the privilege of knowing & serving!

Can't wait until the next seminar :)

New Purchase

After four years and thousands of photos, my good old Kodak digital camera kicked the bucket. That left me with a very tough decision to make: which camera to buy? There are a lot of options out there and I had no idea which one to go with.

That is until the Canon Powershot S3 IS caught my eye. It's technically "point and shoot", but still lets you change colour settings, aperture size, and shutter speed- bonus. Add to that a 12x optical zoom and I was sold.

It came in the mail a couple days ago (pays to order online). So now I'm in the process of learning how to take better pictures. And I've got to learn fast- I'm taking two trips this year: one next weekend to a seminar in Barrie and another to Michigan in August and I want to get some good shots!

Hopefully lots of good photo's to come!

Kiva

I think I speak for most when I say that often we want to get involved and help those in crisis, but we don't know how. We watch the evening news and feel helpless. We know we want to do something, but don't know what.

We see poverty and other than writing a check, are very limited in our options. There's a solution, but we can't see how to be a part of it.

Recently I've been given a spark of hope. And that spark comes from an organization known as Kiva.

It's no secret that there are many in developing countries who have the skills needed to support their families through various jobs, but because they lack the start-up funds for businesses, they remain in poverty.

Take it from someone who has completed a lot of business courses- without start up capital, great ideas remain just that- ideas. But it doesn't have to be this way anymore, thanks to Kiva.

Through their organization, individuals such as you and me can actually play a part in funding a business on the other side of the world.

This is how it works: Kiva finds entrepreneurs in third world countries and assess the needs. They then petition us for loans for these businesses. Individuals work together to pledge the entire loan amount, then 100% of it is given to the entrepreneur.

Once they have the funds, they use it to buy supplies or get their businesses off the ground. Then over a period of time (some as short as six months), they repay the loan.

Then the lenders can either take that money back, or lend it to someone else who needs it.

In March I signed up and was able to loan money to a few individuals. Less than two months later part of this money has already been repaid! Money that I had all but forgotten about was able to help someone on the other side of the world who now, thanks to all of the loans given, has a sustainable source of income for themselves and their children.

What a revolutionary concept!

To see how you can give involved, please visit kiva.org

Life In Full

They say the older you get, the wiser you get. I'm not so sure if that statement applies to me. But I do know one thing- I'm not the same person that I used to be and it's a good thing.

Maybe it's the two years straight of one health crisis after another. Maybe it's those extra grey hairs. I don't know. But I do know that I like the new me.

I now like the fact that life isn't always figured out. That I can step forward not knowing where I may end up. That it's okay that a degree isn't finished in four years or five.

That it's completely acceptable to not know where I'll be in a year from now. That it's fun to do spontaneous things with no plan b's in place.

That it's not a waste of time to spend a day doing nothing and just being. That life isn't about the end of the road, but rather the journey that it took to get there.

I'm on that journey. We all are. Some days are high and others are low. But the highs and the lows have a few things in common.

That first of all, I'm not traveling without a Guide. And He's sent me such an amazing group of people to take the journey with.

If you're one of these people- I thank you. I don't measure the quality of my life anymore by how rested I feel or how many dollars are in the bank account. Rather I measure it by the people I'm surrounded with who have my back and I'm thankful that they are many.

Yes my memory is that of a 70 year old and most days I look like a zombie, but that really doesn't matter at the end of the day. And it won't really matter if this is something I'm going to have to deal with in the very long term. No matter what circumstances are like, no one can steal the life instead that God gives to all His children.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

And that life is good. And I'm so happy to be able to be living mine every day to the fullest.

A Heart That's Free

Here's something you may not have known about me: occasionally I have been known to dabble in poetry. I'm not saying I'm that great at it. And when I do write poems, I don't often share them. Maybe that's because the two times I did, it caused tears (I know what you're thinking- they must be pretty bad).

Anyways, not too long ago inspiration struck and I wrote this. I'm not claiming it's any good. But here is goes:

A Heart That's Free
She lays face down on the floor
Searching for hope but finding it no more
As images pass by on the evening news
She cries and questions what has gone askew?
"Why is peace so hard to find?
Whatever happened to that life-line?"

She looks up and sees a flickering light
A stark reflection in the dark of night
But the light seems too far out of reach
So far it's getting harder to see
"Is there no way to bridge the gap?" she cries
She's been in darkness so long she believes the lies.

But out from that darkness steps a man
And when He reaches the flame, He puts out His hand
Suddenly the spark bursts into consuming fire
And the flame burns up the muck and mire
With eyes of compassion He glances her way
While her heart's in her throat, she hears Him say:

"My child, why do you run? Why do you hide?
Why do you pretend it's alright inside?
Didn't you hear of my redeeming love?
Don't you know of the strength I send from above?
I died for your heart- to set it free
For here and now, not just eternity."

With shaky legs she starts to stand
She moves towards His outstretched hand
He looks at her and with love says:
"I love you my child, today and always
I'll always be here, I'll never leave your side
Walk with me and allow me to be your guide."

So with brittle faith and eyes that finally see
She gives her heart and is suddenly free.
Dancing through the fields of grace
Caught up in an amazing heavenly chase
A life surrendered she realizes is a beautiful thing
So she lets go and with her savior, her life sings.

Francois Fenelon

During some of my late night bore-me-to-tears hours I've been getting in a bit of reading. I finished John Grisham's first non-fiction piece titled "The Innocent Man"- great book. A must read for anyone interested in the legal spectrum.

Recently I started working through some material from Francois Fenelon, a French archbishop from the 17th century. Thankful his work has been translated. It is extremely profound.

A favorite quote on prayer:

“Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, it's pleasures, and it's pains, to a dear friend.

Tell him your troubles, that he may comfort you; tell him your joys, that he may sober them; tell him your longings, that he may purify them; tell him your dislikes, that he may help you conquer them; talk to him of your temptations, that he may shield you from them; show him the wounds of your heart, that he may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others.

If you thus pour out your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subject of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back, neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of their heart, without consideration they say just what they think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God.”

I'm looking forward to digging deeper into his writing. And as I do I'm sure there will be more quotes to share :)

Book Signing!

This Friday, March 30th, I will be at Harmony House in the Porcupine Mall for a book signing!

They've invited me to come out as part of the 72 Hour Sale and sign copies of my book, Walking Through A Fallen World.

If you live in the Timmins/South Porcupine area, it would be great to see you out there! And if don't, but know people in the area, please let them know about the event.

Hope to see you there!

X & Y Theory

This weekend I listened in on the church service at Mars Hill and was thoroughly blessed by Rob Bell's teaching.

He spoke about how we tend to look at our lives like an x and y graph. Meaning if we do one thing on the x axis, then something automatically happens on the y. One example being take care of yourself well (x) and as a result you'll never sit in a doctor's office and hear the word cancer (y). Which couldn't be further from the truth. He went on to say:

"The truth is, it's a lie because it doesn't always go that way... People's ideas of God can be so unbelievably warped. The ultimate lie: well if you do a, b, and c, well then of course God will do a, b, and c and you'll be fine. All you have to do is simply trust Jesus and then you won't have to go through any heartache cause He wants you happy and wealthy.

These lies are deep within us that this is how the world works. And it simply doesn't. If you just lead the people and do as God says you'll get into the promised land. No it doesn't work that way."

It was something I really needed to hear. To be honest I've been struggling with the x & y mentality lately. Over the past few months as many of you know, I've been struggling a lot with my sleep. While part of this is due to sleep apnea, there's also a bigger problem going on with insomnia and restlessness. I've only averaged about 3-4 hours a night for months and besides being dead-tired, I've been getting discouraged.

And somewhere along the way, I got into the mindset that if only I imputed enough x's, then my y (good sleep and rest) would come. So instead of just doing my normal duties, I pushed myself above and beyond that. All the while thinking that it won't be long before I feel better.

Well many doctors appointments, prayer meetings, medical treatments, and every possible sleep trick imagined later, I'm still in the same boat I was before. And while I'm in this place, I'm still trying to move forward and "lead the people" so to speak. I'm still keeping up my ministry involvement. I'm still trying to do the things that I committed to. I'm still pushing forward in my school.

And those x's have certainly not resulted in giving me a y.

But here is where the true journey of faith lies. Faith happens when we still do the x's with no expectations of the y's. True faith is accepting this journey we're on- a journey with no guarantees. One where even God's children are fighting the good fight, in the midst of life's difficulties. One where those difficulties are a big part of the journey and could very well be just something that God wants us to work through for a while. A journey that is a lot closer to what we see in the Bible than the x & y theory is.

For me, my journey has been accepting that the y may take a while longer or may never come. And in that, still continuing to press on. Not because I expect something in return. But because I love my savior, desire to serve Him, and trust Him to take care of the rest in His timing, not mine.

For you, it may be something different. But we're all on this journey together. And on this beautiful journey of faith we discover that God wasn't necessarily who we thought He was. But that's okay. Because we know He's trustworthy and we know that He loves us dearly.

Oh what a mighty God we serve!

Recommendations anyone?

I've been given a membership to zip.ca- a movie rental service where you pick which DVD's you want and they send you a few at a time. While this is great to keep me company at night when my insomnia kicks in, it presents a dilemma- what DVD's to pick?

I've never had cable so I'm sure there are quite a few good shows out there that I've missed out on. I'm also not a huge movie goer, so I'm sure I've overlooked quite a few classics over the years.

Which brings me to ask for your help- any recommendations for good DVD's? It can be tv series on DVD, movies, biographies, etc. Zip has a huge archive and I'd like to make use of it while I have this membership!

Leave a comment with your recommendation!

What a weekend!

This weekend I went to the Christian ladies retreat being held at the Days Inn in Timmins. I was looking forward to this weekend and thought it would be a good opportunity, not only for spiritual growth, but to have little responsibilities or obligations for a weekend. I thought I was in for a nice weekend sitting in the background, just taking things in.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

It started Saturday morning when I was called up, in front of everyone, to give a brief talk on how my book came into being. For a seasoned speaker, this may not be a big deal, but I'm not one comfortable with big crowds and I don't like drawing attention, so as I was walking up to the front I was very hesitant. Also adding to the worry is the fact that my memory is so poor because of my sleeping problem- I was afraid to get details mixed up. But God was with me and He was my strength. The minute the microphone was handed over He took over and it literally felt like it wasn't me up there.

Saturday afternoon rolls around and it was time for my one commitment of the weekend- giving a brief talk to the teens during a workshop. I was excited to do this and totally ready to go, when just as I was walking through the door to the workshop room I was stopped by a reporter who was there to cover the retreat. She had heard about my book and wanted an interview. So while my sister pulled off remarkable stalling tactics, I was interviewed by one newspaper (you can read the story here).

Just as that interview was wrapping up, another reporter walks by and the girl that was interviewing me called her over and before you know it, interview number two is happening.

I know it sounds funny considering I'm in radio, but I've never been comfortable talking with the media. Maybe it's just a self-conscious thing, but it's not something I'm used to or trying to embrace, but again, this was such a God thing. He totally stepped in and gave me wisdom and grace when it was needed and I'm really getting feedback (and book orders) from the one article that was put out in today's paper.

So back to the story, just as the two people from the papers are getting me to pose in the hallway for pictures, my sister walks out, wondering what in the world happened to me. After a good laugh watching me having to pose while people are walking by wondering what the heck is going on, she pulls me into the workshop for my talk and I thought it was all over with.

Well, I was followed into the room by a photographer and while I'm talking she's snapping away and I can see the looks on the teens faces thinking "what in the world is going on?" I recognize the look so well because I'm sure it's the same expression that was on my face.

But the workshop went great and was well received. Afterwards I stood at the back and spend time praying for the girls while my sister did her talk and the things that God did in the lives of the girls in the room was incredible.

The doors that God opened up during the weekend was also incredible. I spoke with many women and teens who were very interested in Walking Through A Fallen World and planned on ordering copies at home. I also was blessed to make some connections with people who have similar goals, dreams, and ideas and I could definitely see the hand of God in the networking that was happening.

I can also see the hand of God when I look back and see an idea that was placed in my heart when I was a child and that was encouraged when I was at the retreat two years ago, has now come into being. And the best part of it is: it has nothing to do with me. I could have never orchrasted any of this. It's all for Him, by Him, and about Him.

I'm just living my life trying to be obedient and not get in the way. Praise God for using the foolish things of this world...

Pointing in the mirror

“If Christians had given the traditional 10 percent tithe of their income to their churches in 2004, instead of the 2.56 percent that they actually gave, there would have been an additional $164 billion available, according to a report released in October called “The State of Church Giving through 2004.” If the churches chose to funnel just $70-$80 billion of that additional income to missions and humanitarian works, the basic needs of every person on the globe would be provided.”

That quote was published in a recent Relevant Magazine and it is pretty shocking. It's also a good thing to keep in mind when we look at situations, such as what is happening in Africa and ask "why God?"

I really believe that God doesn't make hunger disappear in an instant because He wants us to do something about it. That quote from Relevant is a perfect example of what could happen if every person who considers themselves a Christian would give back to God a portion of what He has given them.

Unfortunately all too often we don't and then point fingers instead at governments and agencies instead of pointing a finger in the right direction: towards a mirror.

Maybe that sounds a little harsh and kind of unrealistic. But I'm no fool- I know that as long as we're living in a fallen world, the problems that exist out there will never cease to exist. But just because we will never be able to alleviate the suffering of everyone, doesn't mean we can't alleviate the suffering of even just one.

Something to think about and more importantly, do something about...

Sample Chapter

For those of you who haven't had a chance to read Walking Through A Fallen World yet, there is a sample chapter available for download on my website.

The sample chapter given out free is chapter five in the book and the title of it is "I Don't Like This- Should I?". The focus of the chapter is our perspective and how often a shift in perspective can really change the way we view the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Enjoy.

What's been happening...

So it's been almost a week since I've been finished my exams and I'm enjoying the break. I've spent the last week getting started with my new job (commercial script writer for LIFE 100.3!) and getting set up for the new semester.

It's crazy how much life in change in such a short amount of time. If someone had told me even a year ago that I would be working in Christian radio now, I would have called them crazy. It was always in my mind that I would finish my degree and find a job at a station somewhere after graduation, but God has had different plans for my life.

So until He leads me elsewhere, I will be working part-time writing commercials for LIFE, writing the script for CT-20, and spend the rest of my days working at my degree all from the comfort (and lack of expense) of my own home. And after-hours I'm still free to work on MAD, book stuff, College and Careers, etc.

I'm just so thankful for the way this has all been orchrastrated- God has allowed me to be a part of what He is doing here in Timmins, while using the gifts He's given me to reach out in other places as well thanks to technology. He is so good and I am thankful to have a small part in His big plan!

Thank You

I haven't had a lot of time to post blogs lately between studying for exams and medical appointments to get set up for treatment for the sleep apnea, but I just wanted to take a quick second to thank you all for your support with my book.

It hasn't even been out for a month yet and I'm overwhelmed by the response! This has been a dream of mine for such a long time and I'm grateful that I get to share that dream with so many good friends.

Store launched!

The online store for my book has been launched on my website. Click the banner below to be taken there.

After figuring things out, the book will be sold there for $12.99 Canadian, which includes free shipping to Canada and the United States. If you're looking to have your book signed by me, this is the best option to go, unless you purchase somewhere else and get me to sign it the next time you see me.

Thanks in advance for all of your support in this! It means a lot to me that I have so many people behind me in this dream!

Look Mom! I'm on Amazon!

Today my book was posted on Amazon for purchase! Tonight when I did I search for my name on amazon.com and the book came up, I was almost overcome with emotion. This makes it so real to me! I'm a published author- kind of crazy isn't it?

If you wanted to purchase the book on amazon, the links are below. If you wanted to purchase it directly from me, within the next few days I will have an online store set up where you can do so. And some of you have asked whether or not signed copies of the book will be available. The answer is yes. If you really want to receive a signed copy (although I have no idea why), I will do it. But you will have to order it from my website (www.kristenmcnulty.com) or buy it somewhere else and get me to scribble on it the next time you see me.

Happy reading!

Buy from amazon.ca (Canada)
Buy from amazon.com (United States)

Christmas Movies & Memories

I love Christmas. When I was a kid, I'll admit a big part of my love for Christmas came from the whole gift getting thing. But I've grown up. Yes, I still love getting gifts. But I also love giving gifts. I love spending time with people. And I love reflecting on what Christmas means, really means.

One of my favorite things about Christmas is our family traditions. And one of my favorite family traditions is watching Christmas movies together. Laughing at all the same parts and later quoting lines from the movies as similar things take place in our celebrations. My favorite Christmas movies are (in no particular order):

-A Muppet Family Christmas
-Elf
-Ernest Saves Christmas
-To Grandmother's House We Go
-Griswold Christmas Vacation

Now I don't love these movies because of their artist flare or their snappy humor (because to be honest, some of them are kind of cheesy). I love them because they mean something to me. When I watch To Grandmother's House We Go it brings me back to when I was very young and we would watch this movie with my grandmother because she thought the Olsen kids were so cute. And then after the movie was done everyone would talk about how much I used to look like them when I was around 4 years of age (yes, times have changed!). When I watch the Griswold Christmas Vacation I'm taken back to Christmas' past when our family was lovingly referred to as the Griswold's because we always seemed to have one disaster after another, but in the middle of it a lot of holiday cheer.

Yes the movies are funny- I'll always laugh when the squirrel jumps out of the Griswold's tree or when the Muppets all experience the same icy patch, but even more important than that- these movies have a lot of meaning and memories surrounding them. And those are very valuable things to have!

So Merry Christmas. I pray that you all have a wonderful holiday, remembering the real reason for the season and enjoying memory making time with family and friends! I'll leave you with a few of my favorite movie quotes:

Ernest Saves Christmas:
Santa Claus, aka 'Seth Applegate': This is Ernest. I'm Santa Claus.
[odd silence]
Ernest P. Worell: Surprised?
Harmony Star: Uh, no. No, not - not really

Harmony Star: There's no such thing! Think about it: a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond to the laws of time and travel.
Ernest P. Worell: Now, now, now, now, now, it's possible. You take the International Date Line, multiply it by the Time Zones, divided by the accelerated rotation of the earth... uh, carry the 1, and, uh, allowing for the Vernal Equinox on the Tropic of Cancer, he might just pull it off!

Ernest P. Worell: Ahh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your 'Channel' Number 5, just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.

Elf:
Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.

Buddy: What about santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat those too?

Griswold Christmas Vacation:
Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere..leave you for dead?
Cousin Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Muppets Family Christmas:
Turkey: Where's my room?
Gonzo: If you're not careful, it'll be in the oven. See you at dinner.

Fozzie Bear: Are you ready to listen to me?
Kermit: I'm all ears.
Fozzie Bear: What does he mean he's all ears? Frogs don't even have ears!

Blessings In Disguise

Last night I went to bed ultra-annoyed. I'm sick with a cold that I can't shake and wouldn't you know it, but over the past week I've had a case of insomnia on top of the apnea. Which for me has meant being dead tired all day, then coming to life at about 11:00 and parking myself in front of the TV watching re-runs until some ungodly hour when I can fall asleep, then going into my sleep apnea state.

To put it mildly I was annoyed by the inconvenience. I know how much school work I still have to finish before Christmas and I know that my cold wasn't going to be leaving without some rest, which I also know I'm not getting.

But this morning I woke up with a different perspective. As I stumbled out of my room I saw breakfast laid out for me on the table with an extra-large double double. But more than food and an injection of caffeine, I saw love. I saw that I'm not alone in my struggles and that I'm going to get through this in one piece.

God will provide for me as He always has and He will give me the strength I need to push through every day until I am better. And in the meantime I have a roof over my head, a wonderful family who cares, and more blessings that I deserve. Sleep apnea may rob me of my rest, but it can't rob me of that!

The Question of Christmas

My article The Question of Christmas has been put up on Relevant Magazine's website. Check it out!

First Interview

My first interview for the book has been posted on Infuze Magazine. Please check it out and leave your comments either on their site or right here!

Sleep issue has sleep name

So a few weeks ago I went to the sleep clinic and today I got my results. As crazy as it sounds I found out that I have sleep apnea. Basically what sleep apnea means is that throughout the night you stop breathing and in order to start breathing again, you wake up and then sleep until it happens again and again. For most people who have disease they do not remember waking up during the night- I am one of these people.

Sleep apnea is fairly common, but I am one of the unfortunate few who have a severe case of it. During the 74 minutes (they recorded it, not me) that I slept during my night at the sleep clinic I stopped breathing for ten seconds or longer a total of twenty-three times! I write these words and I still have trouble believing or understanding it. I'm told this means on an average night I stop breathing for ten seconds or longer over a hundred times.

This comes as a shock to me. I mean I know that I've been very tired over these past couple of months and that it's gotten to the point where I have a hard time functioning throughout the day, but to think that I've gone from sleeping fine a year ago to being diagnosed with severe sleep apnea is crazy. I'm 23 years old- this shouldn't be happening. But it is.

The only thing that they've come up with to explain why the sudden change and the severe case is that the tendency to have a problem was there, but it developed as severe and as rapidly as it did because of the trauma to my body with the surgeries, blood clot, infection, etc. That's a pretty steep side effect for something I thought was behind me.

So where does that leave me? To be honest a little discouraged. I don't question why this is happening to me or blame God for it. I'm way past that point. He's done a lot of amazing things in my life, so I'm not going to start complaining when a few bad things happen. But at the same time the reality of this is not too great. The long term health complications are scary without treatment and the idea of sleeping hooked up to a machine every night for the rest of my life isn't too thrilling either. But I don't really have much of a choice.

So on January 5th I will be going back to the sleep clinic to get tested out for one of those machines and until then I'll just have to suck it up and come to terms with this and figure out exactly what changes are going to have to be made in order to accommodate for this illness. Because something has to give, I'm just not sure what that is yet.

It's not the worst thing that could happen. But I would still appreciate prayers for rest cause I need it now more than ever.

Book Update: lots happening this week

This week I took my last look over the edited manuscript and now it is in the process of being sent to the printers!

While reading over the book I kept having the thought "did I write that?" come to me. Not because the publisher made a lot of changes, but rather because I can see the hand of God on every page and I pray that very hand of God touches everyone who reads it!

The final endorsement just came in- check it out at the myspace for the book: www.myspace.com/wtafw. Shameless plug: if you're on myspace please add that site to your friends list and pass the word on! Thanks!

This week I also had my very first interview for the book- great questions from him, silly answers from me. Sounds about right!

5 years of MAD

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of when the MAD Christian Radio Show hit the airwaves for the first time. Which meant it was also my fifth anniversary of being on the radio.

These past five years of doing MAD have been absolutely incredible. As a young kid I played "radio station" with my siblings, but never dreamed that one day I would have my own show, but so much has changed since then. I've gone from a shy kid lacking confidence to someone who is actually comfortable on the air. And not only comfortable, but feeling fully alive and that's a great thing to be.

I've been asked a lot recently "what do you think is next?" and honestly I don't have an answer for that. I never could have imagined that all of this would have happened when the radio show first started and I have no idea what God has in store for the show or myself in five years.

I do however know that in the short term for me personally some really exciting things are going to be happening. I've been offered a part time job writing for a national countdown show and I have decided to accept that- it was quite an honor to be asked and its something that I really want to do, even if it means letting go of a few other things in my life. Another highlight coming up soon is of course my book being released- wow, I'm still having a hard time believing that one.

I mean how blessed can one person be? I'm only 23 and I'm living my dream. Yes my life has being filled with some hard things and I'm still facing a few personal challenges, but who am I to complain?

I'm living a dream. I love what I do. What more could I ask for?

It's Been A While...

Yes, I realize I have become a very inconsistent and lazy blogger, but just in case you were worried, I don't plan on repeating this cycle very often.

This past week and a half has been so busy, I don't know how I got everything done. Big project for work. Study. Gym. Prepare a radio show. Two meetings. Assignments. Drive to Toronto and back. Another meeting. More assignments. Prepare Bible study. Write test. Answer Emails. Put together radio show. Deliver Bible study.

And on top of that, I'm walking around like a zombie because of some sort of sleep issue that has been going on. Needless to say, writing has been one of the last things on my mind.

But in the midst of this busyness and sleepiness it has been good. The trip to Toronto and back was really great- excellent results at the doctors and lots of laughs along the way. This week I've been having so much fun sorting through the archives and picking moments to put together for the MAD Birthday Special that will be airing this weekend (more on that to come).

The project for work is completed and I think I'll be free from that commitment until after Christmas, which will free up some time. The Bible study tonight went really well.

Life has been busy, but it has also been really good. More on God and life to come- I'd write more now but I have to practicing sleeping so I'm all ready for the clinic tomorrow night ;)

Contrast

Tonight I was contemplating on my life and I came to an easy conclusion: I couldn't be more content than I am at this moment. I feel as though nothing is lacking and that is a great place to be in. I don't feel this way because life is perfect because it never will be, but rather because I am very happy in this place.

Looking at my life it is quite a contrast from even a year ago. A year ago I was sicker than I have ever been in my life and I really didn't know what the future held. I didn't know at first if I would get well again. And then once I did, I didn't know if I would ever be able to resume my ministries. My voice was shot from the tubes that were forced down my throat and if there's one thing you need in radio, it's a voice. My energy was non existent. And the contract that I was supposed to receive for my book was cancelled when the company sold out. My schooling was out the window and I didn't know if I would ever be able to resume it. Things were very uncertain.

Yet today my life couldn't be more different. My voice was restored, alongside of most of my health. The radio show is going stronger than ever- just this week five new stations in the US decided to air it and this month I'm celebrating five years on the air! My book has been picked up by a publisher and will be in stores in mere weeks. I'm back in school and I have my funding for that. Life is good. Quite a contrast from a year ago.

Yet through this contrast I have learned that my faith in God is not dependent on circumstances, which to me shines the existence of God in my life even more so. My faith in Him is just as strong today as it was last October. In fact, through the trials it was made even stronger.

Today I know beyond all doubt that God has a plan for my life and that His plan is perfect. I am no longer worried about where this life leads me because I know that no matter what "detours" I have to take, I'm going to end up exactly where He wants me. And there truly is no better place to be!

So today I smile because I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be in my life. And ironically, it is the same smile that came to my face last year at this time when I had the same realization. Yes the circumstances this time are different, but that peace is still the same.

And so today I go, I listen, and I obey. I may stay here for a while longer or God may have something else for me just around the corner- I don't know. But I do know that with Him as my guide, my life will be complete both in the smooth stretches of the road and in the bumpy sections of road.

As the Proverb says so well: "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Thank God for that!

The forbidden word: death

Want to make everyone around you uncomfortable? Say the word "death" and mission accomplished! I've talked to many different people from different walks of life from different age groups and the one thing that we all have in common is that we don't like talking about death. This discomfort stretches across lines of race and religion. Of wealth and poverty. It makes no difference where we come from or what experiences we have: we're uncomfortable with death.

I can say that pretty confidently because I for one can admit that death makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to talk about it. I don't like to hear about it. It's far easier to just ignore it than it is to face it. And so my vocabulary avoids it. My actions ignore it. I talk about healing and life and leave the talk of death to doctors and funeral directors.

Even during my illness I didn't want to talk or think about death and being in a hospital made that kind of difficult to avoid, yet avoid it I did. When a patient down the hall from me passed away, I hid in my room until I was 100% certain that there were no upset family members still in the hallway. When I would hear multiple "code blues" over the speaker system, I would say a quick prayer and turn up the television. I did everything possible to avoid the topic in a place where the subject can't be denied. And I know I'm not the only one to ever do this.

Actually when I really think about it, being uncomfortable with death makes sense if you believe in the God of the Bible. But it sure doesn't make sense if you don't. I know that sounds opposite to what we are taught, but hear me out for a second.

If we are nothing more than a by product of a big bang and there is nothing more than nature that is behind our existence, wouldn't death be the most natural thing in the world? In an ever evolving world, old life dies and new evolved life springs forth. It's the circle of life. It's the chain of nature. Yet if that was the case, wouldn't we have evolved on some sort of an emotional level to not only accept death, but deal with it as a regular occurrence in life? The same way we deal with our human limitations? Really if we had evolved free from any sort of a god and any kind of concept like eternity, death would make sense. It wouldn't paralyse. It wouldn't destroy. It would be a natural part of our existence.

But it's not and that makes my faith the most natural thing in the world. Why? Because the way I read it in Genesis, we as humans were not designed to die. We were created to live forever in the Garden of Eden. We were given access to eternal life, but we messed it up and through our sin introduced all kinds of nasty things into our world. So instead of leaving us to live forever in a fallen state, God did us a favour and evicted us from the garden so that we didn't have a choice in the matter.

Life outside of Eden meant that where once we were created to be alive for all eternity, we transitioned into fragile and mortal beings. It also meant that in order to have eternal life, God would have to provide another way in Jesus. We were made to live forever, we messed it up, and thus our struggle with accepting death makes sense.

And while the Christian faith explains our problem dealing with death, it also makes death out to be no less than a glorious transition. I tend to think of it now in the same way as being put under anaesthetic for surgery: you feel yourself floating then blank out. But in death instead of awaking in a recovery room somewhere in pain, you wake up in the most glorious place that could ever be wondering why you were so nervous about the journey.

Yes death is uncomfortable to talk about at times and yes, it doesn't always make sense. That's just one more consequence of the fall, but thank God it's not a permanent one!

God In This Moment?

In the song "God In This Moment" Gavin Mikhail sings:

"Until the day you took away from me
The only thing that mattered in my life
Can't you see why I am angry with you?
I'm hating you for all you put me through
And, I don't know why inside this silence is deafening
You know I gave up everything for you
I followed you always, all along ."

Throughout my life and especially during my journey since I surrendered my life to Christ, I've had many God moments: times when I knew beyond all doubt that He was there in this with me and that I was not alone. But for whatever reason there was a time during my illness when I did not have that same assurance.

This was foreign feeling for me. Before during the trials in my life I always knew that God was there and that He had a plan in spite of the storm of life. It didn't matter what it was or how bad things looked, I always knew that God was there and that with Him it was going to be alright. But during part of my illness, perhaps the worst part, I felt just like the writer of "God In This Moment"- wondering if in fact there was a God in this moment and if there was, angry for the deafening silence. And to be honest, feeling a bit betrayed.

You see as bad as the first surgery was for me and as much as I wasn't a happy camper to be going through that, I always had the assurance that I was getting better. Yes I was sliced open, but I knew it would heal. I also knew that each day after surgery you feel a bit better than the day before until eventually you begin to forget the pain. And so from October 19th until October 22nd I could see God in the moment. I could see purpose: I had a medical problem that needed to be dealt with and surgery was the only way to do that. Fine. I wasn't blaming God for the fact that I was born with extra cells that turned into cysts.

But all that changed on October 23th. I was out of the hospital and recuperating at home, anxious for the day that the pain became a distant memory. But I was in for a little surprise: I started a fever. Then violent shakes. And then started losing a whole lot of blood. In the days to come instead of being lead down a road to recovery, I became sicker than I had ever been in my life.

It was in that place that I couldn't see God in those moments. In the moments where through tears I begged God to give me some relief and none came. In the moments where I was being rushed to the ER and prayed to see the right doctor, only to open my eyes and see the wrong one over and over and over again. In the moments where I prayed for healing only to have a higher fever, more violent shakes, and more pouring blood.

And it was those moments that I felt let down from the One who had always been there for me and that was a hard thing to swallow. I mean I thought I had been faithful. I thought that I had given up so much to follow Him- was that worth nothing? It's not like I expected God to be my fairy godmother who would suddenly take a wand and make the world okay again, but I expected at least a bit of hope that God was in those moments. Yet during those horrific seven days, I was coming up empty.

That left me with a choice: I could either believe that this experience was a reflection of both God's character and what our relationship was like or I could believe that even in this very dark place there was a purpose. I chose the later of the two and to borrow from that same Gavin Mikhail song, my prayer became:

"God I hope You're there in this moment
Watching over me
Can you show me you're there in this moment?
Something to make me believe."

And that He did. You see while God didn't send legions of angels or sudden healing, He did send His peace- that same peace that surpasses all human understanding. So when the doctor came in on that Sunday morning and said I was being rushed up to surgery where I would be re-opened and left opened to heal properly, I didn't panic. And when I, Miss I-can't-stand-anything-medical, saw the nurses pull five feet of packing out of me that very night, I didn't freak out. And when even after a second surgery, tons of antibiotics, and enough time later I still wasn't free from infection, I wasn't fretting.

Why? Because God used those very dark days, the days when I didn't feel Him in those moments to prepare me for what was to come.

No, it wasn't pleasant and there are many days, especially when I see my scars in the mirror, that I wish it didn't have to happen. But it did and through my illness I learned something very important: no matter what we go through, God is in every moment. The ones when we feel His presence and the ones when we don't. In the days when we're on spiritual highs and on the days when we are dragging ourselves through spiritual deserts.

The problem is that through our human eyes we only see one perspective. As the quote from Henri Nouwen at the top of this page points out, in the eyes of God there is no distinction between our sorrow and our joy because "where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom."

Our lives on earth, illnesses included, are indeed divine contradictions.

One year later

One year. That's exactly how long its been since my whole health "adventure" started. I say "adventure" loosely for the lack of a better word. Or maybe there are better words, but "adventure" is the one that is more comfortable to say and hear. I don't know.

Regardless it was exactly one year ago that I was lying in a hospital bed in recovery wishing that I had never ever consented to surgery. The pain was so intense that I literally thought in my drug-induced state that the surgeon had left a knife or something in there. But alas, it was not so!

Looking back on that time is always a weird experience for me. Weird because at the time I didn't fully comprehend what was all going on, which I guess was a good thing. But also weird because one of the big things I learned during this year is that the average person is not comfortable with the idea of illness. We don't talk about it. We don't think about it. And if we are unlucky enough to experience it, we try to forget about it the minute its over.

But I haven't been able to forget as much as I've wanted to and I'm starting to realize that remembering is a blessing in disguise. Because it would be very easy for me to move on and put everything behind me, but in doing so while I wouldn't dwell on an awful lot of bad memories, I also would be dismissing all of the great things that I learned during my illness.

So what did I learn? I'm glad you asked :)

The time of doing nothing during my months of recovery taught me to appreciate and enjoy the simpler pleasures of life. For the first time in 18 years I made a puzzle and actually enjoyed doing so. After I was well enough to move around I learned how to bake and every week would make a different dessert for our family to enjoy at Sunday coffee times. I spent a lot of time in bed and even though it wasn't by choice, I learned the value of rest.

I learned how lucky I am to be alive; to be able to move and walk around freely; to have free health care and professionals who work around the clock to ensure our health.

I learned the beauty of walking in the rain; of stopping to stare at the snow flakes floating down; of spending small moments in prayer with my Father.

I learned the meaning of what it means to have joy that is not dependent of our circumstances; of what it means to be strong; and of when to ask for help.

I learned to appreciate life; both the good days and the bad; the big things and the small.

I learned that healing wasn't what I thought it was; that God is bigger than any problem we face; and that miracles occur everyday, even in the ordinary.

I learned a lot and over the next week or so, I'm going to be sharing different lessons with you that I learned during what was one of the most difficult things that I have ever faced in my life. Why? Because life is a journey and journeys weren't meant to be taken alone. So I'll be sharing what I learned on this little journey in the hopes that it speaks to you in your own.

Assessments

An article I recently wrote has been posted on RelevantMagazine.com.

Click here to check it out!

Music Speaks Part Two Continued

When We Know The Story Continued

Here are the other U2 stories behind the songs that I know and promised to post in the comment section of the last post. If you guys know any other stories behind their music or anyone else's, feel free to add it in the comments section!

The song "Bad" from the album The Unforgettable Fire was inspired by a friend of Bono's, who on his 21st birthday was given enough heroin that it could have easily killed him.

"Pride (In The Name of Love)" was inspired by Martin Luther King Jr and is the second most played song live in the bands history.

"The Sweetest Thing" was written by Bono as an apology to his wife- he forgot her birthday while on tour. Being so personal, when the song is played live Bono plays The Edge's piano parts. I guess his wife forgave him because she actually appears in the video for this song!

"Walk On" was written about and dedicated to Aung San Suu Kyi. It was U2's effort to praise her for fighting for freedom and her activism in Myanmar where she had been under house arrest since 1989.

Music Speaks Part Two

When We Know The Story
In this second instalment of the "music speaks" series, I'm going to share some stories behind songs that I've learned over the years that have touched my heart and given me a deeper appreciation of the music. If you know a story, feel free to share it in the comments or post an entry on your own blog about it!

Come, Now Is The Time Worship
A well known worship leader and his investors lose more than one million dollars in a failed ministry project. The worship leader loses his home and in an attempt to regroup, moves his family to England. Once there and already depressed from the failures experienced in Canada, he and his wife find out that three of their six children have a condition called "Fragile X Syndrome", which is a form of mental retardation.

With overwhelming circumstances surrounding his life, Brian Doerkson went on a walk to pour out his heart to God. While most of us would use this as an opportunity to vent, question, and search, that wasn't that case for Brian. Over and over he kept being reminded "come now is the time to worship." Minutes later he was back at home and in minutes the song "Come ,Now Is The Time To Worship" was born.

About the song Brian says; "I believe God wants us to come and worship just the way we are, though when true worship happens we don't stay the way we are."

Days of Elijah
Singing it with our little actions at church you wouldn't assume it, but I doubt the writer had a funny grin on his face when the song was first being formed. Why? Because the idea for the song was sparked when Robin Mark was watching 1994's year of review and more specifically the segment about what occurred in Rwanda that year.

After watching the short documentary type show, the writer "found myself despairing about the state of the world and, in prayer, began asking God if He was really in control and what sort of days were we living in. I felt in my spirit that He replied to my prayer by saying that indeed He was very much in control and that the days we were living in were special times when He would require Christians to be filled with integrity and to stand up for Him just like Elijah did, particularly with the prophets of Baal."

And thus the song came to be. Something to think about the next time you hear it in church or on the radio.

Where The Streets Have No Name
The inspiration for this U2 classic comes from a story that Bono heard about Belfast. In Belfast you can tell what someone's religion is and how much money they make based on what street they live on. And the further you go up the street, the more expensive the houses are, and thus, the more money the people living there have. So if someone says what street they live on, that not only tells you what kind of background they have, but you can pinpoint their income based on where on the street they live.

That stuck with Bono and he started to write a song about a place where the streets have no name.

Here is Our King
I would have never guessed where the inspiration for this song came from, but now knowing the story it does it make sense.

"Here Is Our King" was sparked as David Crowder spent two days with his eyes glued to his television set watching the deadly aftermath of the tsunami that struck on Boxing Day 2004. Watching the devastation reminded David of the depth of our fall:

"We know things aren't right, we know that things aren't as they were intended. But here is this thing that comes from the middle of the sea to bring upon us devastation and to take from us our fathers and our mothers and to pull from our hands our children and our friends and our minds cannot fit this in. It is the depth of our fall upon us. Even the ground under our feet is not right. The air we breathe is not right."

But even in the midst of the depth of our fall, we have a glimpse of what is to come:

"Here though, the hope I found in Christ miraculously expands. I believe we are part of a bigger story unfolding. I believe that the rescue of creation has been coming toward us for a long time.... He is coming to set things right. He is coming to set things straight. He is coming and this is tremendously hard to take in, but our hearts swell and this tide of hope groups and father all of this, after this brokenness, after these tears, after this fury, after this tearing that is life...finally, finally. Majesty. Here."

Something to think about the next time you sing:

The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is.

Here is our king, here is our love
Here is our God who's come
To bring us back to Him
He is the One, He is Jesus.

Watch for the next post in this series "How The Songs Changed The Writers" coming soon!

Music Speaks Part One

For the first time on this little webspace called "Divine Contradiction" I'm going to be doing a series of posts titled "Music Speaks". Here's the first instalment:

What's Their Story?
Last week at College and Careers we had a time of praise and worship. As I flipped through the song book and took notice of many songs that have met me in different places of my life, I couldn't help but wonder "what's their story?"

Who is Marsha Stevens and what inspired her to write "For Those Tears I Died"?

"You said You'd come and share my sorrows
You said You'd be there for my tomorrows
I came so close to sending You away."

When she wrote this was she sitting alone in a hospital room? At a graveside? What brought on the song? A time of heartbreak? A time of loss? Of pain?

Or how about Craig Musseau? What's his story? When he wrote: "I sing a simple song of love to my Saviour, To my Jesus. I'm grateful for the things You've done."

Was he rejoicing over a blessing? Facing a trial? Remembering the Lord's faithfulness in the past? Or looking towards it in the future?

What was their story?

When I was in Nashville this past April attending GMA Week I attended an event titled the Songwriter Showcase. At this concert, the writers of some of the biggest songs of the year came out and not only performed their music, but they explained the story behind it. Laura Story talked about the drive at night that inspired "Indescribable" (performed by Chris Tomlin). Christa Wells explained the heartbreaking circumstances behind "Held" (performed by Natalie Grant). And for me, somehow knowing the story behind the song adds so much more meaning to it. Not that removing interpretation is the end goal, but when you add the inspiration to your own interpretation, it can be a pretty amazing thing.

Keep checking back for the next post in this series titled "When We Know The Story".

Why I'm Thankful

Izaak Walton once said: "Blessings we enjoy daily, and for the most of them, because they be so common, men forget to pay their praises." Well today I took a short time out to remember to pay my praises for what I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for my family
I always knew that I had an amazing family, but I was reminded even more so of that during my illness. They made so many sacrifices for me- I still find it hard to believe. My Mom tossed aside everything else in order to be by my side throughout the entire ordeal. She lost many a night of sleep sitting by my side in the emergency room and she put aside her own feelings of disgust in order to be my "nurse" and take care of me. My brother gave up his room for almost six months because it was easier for me, even though that meant he missed out on many of his beloved NHL games (the TV in his room can pick it up, whereas the downstairs TV can't). My grandfather and aunts paid for me to have a TV in my room in the hospital, which is pretty expensive considering how long I was in the hospital for. My sister gave up her vehicle for many weeks so that my family could visit me and then later so that I could get to all of my doctors appointments and such. And not once did she ask for gas money either!

I'm thankful for my friends
Again during my illness I was reminded once again just how blessed I am to have some of the people in my life that I do. Yes, as I've shared before there was some disappointments during the past year, but you know what? That doesn't matter to me anymore. Big surprises make up for little disappointments and I was very surprised by some very special people. The people who called long distance to check up on me. The friend who trudged through a snowstorm in order to come and see me, just when I need to see somebody! All of the "out of towners" who emailed my sister to get updates on me (you thought I didn't know didn't you? ha!) God has blessed me with many amazing people in my life and if you're reading this, chances are you're one of them!

I'm thankful for my ministries
God has been blessing me so much by allowing me to be involved in a few really awesome things! The radio show is so amazing. College and Careers is a blessing. The new dance ministry is very powerful. The book- all I can say is WOW!

I'm thankful for good music
Music speaks so loudly to me in my life and it's such a precious gift. And during the past year my musical appreciation has deepened and my tastes have widened and I'm thankful for that too. I used to say that I like every type of music but country and gospel. Well after one trip to Nashville that's no longer true.

I'm thankful for God's provision
Over and over I have seen God provide for me and it is amazing and humbling all at the same time. From unexpected checks in the mail to a few really great jobs to working things out with the student loan, God has most definitely provided me with exactly what I need!

I'm thankful for my health
Health is one thing that is way too easy to take advantage of and I've been guilty of doing that. Well I hope that my experiences over the past year stay rooted in my mind for the rest of my life just so that I don't ever forget what a gift it is to be healthy.

I'm thankful for knowing Jesus
Having Him in my life makes each day sweeter, each low higher, and each joy that much richer. He is my sustainer, my savior, and my best friend!

And finally I'm thankful for life
It was close to a year ago that I nearly lost my life and going through something like that reminds you just how precious every day. I'm thankful for every moment that I have, both the good ones and the bad. I'm also thankful that this is not the end. One day we all will make the transition from this life to the next and really that's all it is, a transition!

So what are you thankful for? Leave a comment with your list!

History is in the making...

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: I am not a dancer. I never have been one and I don't really feel any overwhelming desire to be one now. But years of watching my sister's recitals has taught me something: I may not be a dancer, but I can choreograph.

Sounds strange, I know. How can someone who doesn't know the moves, figure out the dance? I don't know, but I do know that it's happening.

As some of you know, my sister has been involved in organizing dances for different Christian events in and around the Timmins area for the past three years. Well usually I played some sort of small role, like picking the music and operating the sound system. But this time around I've taken on a different role. Just call me Kristen the choreographer.

After choosing the song, this incredible picture came to me of what the dance could look like and the powerful impact that it could make. Scenes flashed across my mind and to my dismay, I actually became really excited about this possibility. So with my family listening, I explained to Erin my idea for the dance and explained the different moves that the background dancers could do while the two main dancers did their thing in the front. And in the words of my brother: "It's surprisingly good."

And so Erin will be leading a group of dancers to do a routine to Matthew West's song "History" for a retreat that will be happening in a couple of months. And this time instead of pressing play and pause on the stereo, I will be helping to put it together. Scary.

It's kind of crazy the way God has teamed up my sister and I because personality wise, we're very different. And the same goes for talents and giftings. But at the same time, we compliment each other and this isn't the first time God has moved us to join forces to do something together for Him and I'm sure it won't be the last.

History by Matthew West
It's been a bad day
You've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes
A world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it's hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

CHORUS
Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So, leave it all behind you
But let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Would you believe that you are history in the making, in the making?
Every choice that you are making
Every step that you are taking
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making
Every word that you are saying
Every prayer that you are praying
Every chain that you are breaking
History is in the making