Ok, so I went to the doctors today and I have really good news: my cyst has burst!!! Yes that's right, number five is no more! Contrary to what my sister wanted me to do, I did not name this one (she named my previous four).
To say that I'm relieved is an understatement! I was so hoping to not have to have surgery again because to be quite honest, I don't think that my body has still yet fully recovered from the last ordeal. I know emotionally I was definitely not prepared to have to do something like that again, so I'm very happy that I don't have to.
So what does this mean for the future? Well I had a choice to make. I can continue to go for ultrasounds and tests every few months to see what's happening and keep monitoring everything, but I have chosen not to. Maybe it's something I will change my mind on in the future, but I my reasoning now is that I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life: being supersensitive about every pain or twinge, going for test after test, waiting for results and then doing the whole cycle again.
No, I'd rather enjoy every day and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. Some may call that irresponsible, but after almost three years of dealing with these cysts, I've come to the point where this is something I feel comfortable doing.
So thank you all for your prayers and support! The prayers definitely worked and I feel truly blessed to have such a great group of people around me :)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
First Endorsement
So as a part of the whole publishing process, a few copies of my manuscript were sent out to various people for them to read (and hopefully endorse). Well today I received my first endorsement:
"We're all walking through a fallen world, and at times we need a guide to point out the trails and the traps. Kristen McNulty's book does that, raising important questions with insight and offering answers with integrity."
Craig Borlase, author of God's Gravity: The Upside-Down Life of Selfless Faith
I don't know why, but getting this makes the whole thing even that much more real to me. It's so exciting!
Well I'm off to my aunts cottage for the weekend. I'm sure I'll have lots to post about on my return ;)
"We're all walking through a fallen world, and at times we need a guide to point out the trails and the traps. Kristen McNulty's book does that, raising important questions with insight and offering answers with integrity."
Craig Borlase, author of God's Gravity: The Upside-Down Life of Selfless Faith
I don't know why, but getting this makes the whole thing even that much more real to me. It's so exciting!
Well I'm off to my aunts cottage for the weekend. I'm sure I'll have lots to post about on my return ;)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Seeing Past The Surface
This week I've been spending a good deal of my time painting at work. I can't say I've ever done much of it before, but I got a quick crash course this week.
The amazing thing about paint is that you can take something that looks so weathered and beaten and make it look completely brand new with just one coat of paint.
Unfortunately though, that paint will start to dull and it won't be long before it starts to flake away. It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Maybe that's the reason why when God works on our hearts, He never does a surface job because He knows it'll only be temporary. No, when God does something, He digs deep down to the core of the issue and does His work.
Unfortunately many times as Christians we don't like this process because it's a little too long and painful. So we slap on our own coats of paints and ignore what is rotting underneath. And while temporarily that may make us look good for a day, a week, a month, or maybe even a year, God sees past that. He sees the cracks, He sees the stains- He sees what needs replacing.
And so with gentle hands and a patient heart he slowly chips away at our coats of paint until the real problem is exposed. And when it is, He doesn't leave it out there to flaunt: He removes the problem and restores things to the way they should be.
This is never an easy process and it's usually not quick: it was never meant to be. But it is the only way that we can be truly transformed from the inside out.
The amazing thing about paint is that you can take something that looks so weathered and beaten and make it look completely brand new with just one coat of paint.
Unfortunately though, that paint will start to dull and it won't be long before it starts to flake away. It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem.
Maybe that's the reason why when God works on our hearts, He never does a surface job because He knows it'll only be temporary. No, when God does something, He digs deep down to the core of the issue and does His work.
Unfortunately many times as Christians we don't like this process because it's a little too long and painful. So we slap on our own coats of paints and ignore what is rotting underneath. And while temporarily that may make us look good for a day, a week, a month, or maybe even a year, God sees past that. He sees the cracks, He sees the stains- He sees what needs replacing.
And so with gentle hands and a patient heart he slowly chips away at our coats of paint until the real problem is exposed. And when it is, He doesn't leave it out there to flaunt: He removes the problem and restores things to the way they should be.
This is never an easy process and it's usually not quick: it was never meant to be. But it is the only way that we can be truly transformed from the inside out.
Monday, August 14, 2006
The "Something Major"
"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires."
Psalm 37:4
For the past five months my belief in the words of Psalm 37 has been tested. You see it has been a lifelong dream of mine to write a book and have it published. Last summer I felt that the time to write was now, so I took a step of faith and started to write.
That decision was further confirmed when a publisher approached me and said that they wanted to publish my book, so I kept writing and finally came up with a finished product.
Unfortunately before I could sign a contract (or maybe that was fortunate) the company sold to another publisher who converted it into an educational publishing house. So I was left with a 35,000 word document and a broken dream.
As I submitted my proposal to other companies and got a lot of "sorry we have a full line-up, try again later" emails, I started to doubt if maybe this book idea was just something I wanted for me and not something God wanted for me. But deep down inside the fire was still burning.
Well that little fire got a dose of gasoline recently when another publishing company offered me a deal!!! Supposedly they were impressed with the content of the sample chapters they saw and really liked my writing style.
Needless to say, the whole experience is very surreal! Because not only does this mean that a lifelong dream is being turned into reality, but it could open up so many doors for my future it's hard to believe! By the way this was the "something major" that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I couldn't share the details sooner, but I had to wait until everything was finalized.
So what's happening with it right now? Well I just finished my final edit of the manuscript and now I'm in the process of choosing possible photos for the book cover. And at the same time, final edits for my "author website" have be completed and it's now online. You can take a look at it by visiting www.kristenmcnulty.com. I'd love to hear any feedback that you guys have on it!
Praise God for the desires that He places within our hearts and for the way that He arranges our futures!
Psalm 37:4
For the past five months my belief in the words of Psalm 37 has been tested. You see it has been a lifelong dream of mine to write a book and have it published. Last summer I felt that the time to write was now, so I took a step of faith and started to write.
That decision was further confirmed when a publisher approached me and said that they wanted to publish my book, so I kept writing and finally came up with a finished product.
Unfortunately before I could sign a contract (or maybe that was fortunate) the company sold to another publisher who converted it into an educational publishing house. So I was left with a 35,000 word document and a broken dream.
As I submitted my proposal to other companies and got a lot of "sorry we have a full line-up, try again later" emails, I started to doubt if maybe this book idea was just something I wanted for me and not something God wanted for me. But deep down inside the fire was still burning.
Well that little fire got a dose of gasoline recently when another publishing company offered me a deal!!! Supposedly they were impressed with the content of the sample chapters they saw and really liked my writing style.
Needless to say, the whole experience is very surreal! Because not only does this mean that a lifelong dream is being turned into reality, but it could open up so many doors for my future it's hard to believe! By the way this was the "something major" that I was talking about a couple of weeks ago. Sorry I couldn't share the details sooner, but I had to wait until everything was finalized.
So what's happening with it right now? Well I just finished my final edit of the manuscript and now I'm in the process of choosing possible photos for the book cover. And at the same time, final edits for my "author website" have be completed and it's now online. You can take a look at it by visiting www.kristenmcnulty.com. I'd love to hear any feedback that you guys have on it!
Praise God for the desires that He places within our hearts and for the way that He arranges our futures!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Trip to Huntsville
So last week my sister and I ended up spending a few days in the Huntsville area. It was kind of a last minute trip- we had stumbled upon a great hotel deal online and since she was on holidays, she decided to go and asked if I would like to come along. I of course said yes!
The hotel that we were staying at was fantastic. They had many on-site activities that we took full advantage of including tennis, canoeing, swimming, and pool. I also tried my hand at kayaking, but ended up getting out of the kayak rather quickly as I just don't have the balance needed!
On Thursday we took a trip up to Ragged Falls, which was a good distance from the hotel, but we had went in 2002 on a family vacation and really wanted to see it again. The last time we took a boat right up to the bottom of the falls and then climbed up. This time we had to settle for the trail, but it was fun. The falls are beautiful and its always wonderful to be in the middle of God's creation (to the right is a photo I took of part of the falls).
The only downfall (no pun intended) to Ragged Falls was the stupidity of two parents. They decided it would be fun to launch their kids down the river leading to the falls and it could have very well turned into a deadly activity. As it was the father slipped and fell into the rapids and its a miracle that he didn't end up going down the falls. I understand the idea of adventure, but this was just plain stupidity.
My favorite activity of the trip though was the horseback riding! Neither Erin or I had ever been before and we both really wanted to try it, so we booked a spot and got to ride some pretty nice trails. It was a lot easier than what I thought it would be, although I'm sure it would have been harder if I would have gotten an active horse. Mine was kind of lazy and at one point stopped dead in the middle of the trail and wouldn't go further. I tried everything to get him to move, but he was quite stubborn. It took a lot to finally get him going again, but once he did, he was pretty good for the rest of the ride.
It's too bad horseback riding costs so much here because it's something that I could see myself seriously pursing as a hobby. What can I say- I have expensive tastes. First downhill skiing. Then golf. Now horseback riding. I think I'm going to stick to tennis- its fun and free. ;)
The hotel that we were staying at was fantastic. They had many on-site activities that we took full advantage of including tennis, canoeing, swimming, and pool. I also tried my hand at kayaking, but ended up getting out of the kayak rather quickly as I just don't have the balance needed!
On Thursday we took a trip up to Ragged Falls, which was a good distance from the hotel, but we had went in 2002 on a family vacation and really wanted to see it again. The last time we took a boat right up to the bottom of the falls and then climbed up. This time we had to settle for the trail, but it was fun. The falls are beautiful and its always wonderful to be in the middle of God's creation (to the right is a photo I took of part of the falls).
The only downfall (no pun intended) to Ragged Falls was the stupidity of two parents. They decided it would be fun to launch their kids down the river leading to the falls and it could have very well turned into a deadly activity. As it was the father slipped and fell into the rapids and its a miracle that he didn't end up going down the falls. I understand the idea of adventure, but this was just plain stupidity.
My favorite activity of the trip though was the horseback riding! Neither Erin or I had ever been before and we both really wanted to try it, so we booked a spot and got to ride some pretty nice trails. It was a lot easier than what I thought it would be, although I'm sure it would have been harder if I would have gotten an active horse. Mine was kind of lazy and at one point stopped dead in the middle of the trail and wouldn't go further. I tried everything to get him to move, but he was quite stubborn. It took a lot to finally get him going again, but once he did, he was pretty good for the rest of the ride.
It's too bad horseback riding costs so much here because it's something that I could see myself seriously pursing as a hobby. What can I say- I have expensive tastes. First downhill skiing. Then golf. Now horseback riding. I think I'm going to stick to tennis- its fun and free. ;)
Saturday, July 29, 2006
More Good News
I just came back from a week away (first at my aunts cottage, then at a place in Huntsville- more to come on that soon) and I came back to more good news!
True Volume Two
In February I received an email from someone who was putting together a compilation book of stories of how God has moved in people's lives in different circumstances. She ca
me across my writing from the Impact Devotionals that I do for the MAD Christian Radio Show and she was wondering if I would be interested in submitting something for the book. I of course said "yes" and sent in a submission.
Today I received the news that my submission was screened by the panel and has been accepted for the book which is titled True Volume Two (the follow-up to True Volume One) and is being published by Zondervan.
Obviously it's quite a honor to have something that I wrote put in a book like this! Watch for it in stores soon!
And I know what some of you are thinking "Is this the something major that was mentioned in the previous post?" Well the answer is no, this is pretty awesome, but there is still something pretty huge in the works. It's so hard not saying anything, but a promise is a promise. More on that to come in the next few weeks :)
True Volume Two
In February I received an email from someone who was putting together a compilation book of stories of how God has moved in people's lives in different circumstances. She ca
me across my writing from the Impact Devotionals that I do for the MAD Christian Radio Show and she was wondering if I would be interested in submitting something for the book. I of course said "yes" and sent in a submission.Today I received the news that my submission was screened by the panel and has been accepted for the book which is titled True Volume Two (the follow-up to True Volume One) and is being published by Zondervan.
Obviously it's quite a honor to have something that I wrote put in a book like this! Watch for it in stores soon!
And I know what some of you are thinking "Is this the something major that was mentioned in the previous post?" Well the answer is no, this is pretty awesome, but there is still something pretty huge in the works. It's so hard not saying anything, but a promise is a promise. More on that to come in the next few weeks :)
Job
I have been looking for work for the past couple of weeks, but I haven't had any luck in finding anything. Most of the summer jobs were given out months ago and many of the ones that remained either required that I speak French (which I don't) or have my own vehicle (which I don't).
So in the meantime I've been doing a bit of work for one business (just a few hours a week). When I was out of town my Mom took a phone message offering me a job! So between the two, I'll have enough hours to make some extra cash and not be working so many hours that I won't have time to complete the two other projects that I've been working on. God is good :)
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Great News!
This has been the week of good news all the way around!
School
This morning I got a lovely email indicating that its looks like I will be approved for a student loan! This is nothing short of a miracle because I was told by almost everyone that there was no way this would ever happen. If everything works out right I will be starting my next round of courses in September, which in itself is another miracle- this is the fastest my student loan has ever been processed! Praise God!
Radio Show
For quite a while now I've been wanting to upgrade the equipment that is used to record the show, but I haven't been able to because its just so expensive. But again God has provided! This week a sponsor for the show came on board who has generously agreed to provide new equipment and assist in promoting the show across Canada- another huge answer to prayer!
Something Major
And if that wasn't enough, something else really major is in the works. Unfortunately as much as I'm dying to, I can't share details until everything is finalized, but I can say that this is huge. If it all works out, a lifelong dream of mine will be fulfilled and it could open so many doors for my future!
I promise to give you all details as soon as I can!
Praise God for His provision once again!
School
This morning I got a lovely email indicating that its looks like I will be approved for a student loan! This is nothing short of a miracle because I was told by almost everyone that there was no way this would ever happen. If everything works out right I will be starting my next round of courses in September, which in itself is another miracle- this is the fastest my student loan has ever been processed! Praise God!
Radio Show
For quite a while now I've been wanting to upgrade the equipment that is used to record the show, but I haven't been able to because its just so expensive. But again God has provided! This week a sponsor for the show came on board who has generously agreed to provide new equipment and assist in promoting the show across Canada- another huge answer to prayer!
Something Major
And if that wasn't enough, something else really major is in the works. Unfortunately as much as I'm dying to, I can't share details until everything is finalized, but I can say that this is huge. If it all works out, a lifelong dream of mine will be fulfilled and it could open so many doors for my future!
I promise to give you all details as soon as I can!
Praise God for His provision once again!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Toronto Trip
Highlights
Good Report: My Mom received a good report at the doctors. It looks like the treatment has worked and thus, its safe to leave things "as is" for now- she will be going back in the fall to confirm. Obviously this is a big answer to prayer- thanks to everyone who took the time to pray!
Starbucks: I always find it kind of a contradiction to be walking in the busyness and hype of Toronto and have that all fall away just by walking into an establishment. Yet this is the type of environment that the good people at Starbucks have established. Good coffee- good quiet time.
Music: Albums from Warren Barfield, Downhere, Paul Wright, and Hawk Nelson made the driving time fly by. Plus on this road trip I realized it's official: I am officially a radio geek. I unapologetically scanned through the dial while passing through every city- much to the annoyance of the other passenger at times.
People: During my travels over the past couple of years, I've met some pretty interesting people. This trip was no different. We made friends with a little boy at the hotel who proudly held the door open for us as we walked through with our luggage. He later told his mom "look- those people are our neighbours! I helped them and they helped me!" Kids are cute.
I also spent some talking to the lady who runs the hotel gift shop. I think she remembered me from the last time we were there in May. She was quite surprised to find that I was using the arcade games the hotel had installed and I didn't try to justify it. Actually- I wouldn't be surprised to see her playing taxi the next time we go back. You gotta have some fun...
Things I would have rather avoided
Traffic: I don't know how people in Toronto can drive through that traffic on a daily basis. We got stuck in two traffic jams: one for almost an hour. The other for 20-30 minutes.
Impatient People: While we waited in the doctors office, three people (out of the eight that were in there) were angry that they had to wait to see the doctor. One guy kept approaching the secretary every few minutes, reminding her that he was still there waiting and "had a very important day a head of him." I don't know what bothered me more: his rudeness or his assumption that he was more important than every other person in that office, including the doctor. I'm not one to usually get annoyed by other people easily, but I was very annoyed. So much so that I left the waiting room and went for a walk outside. I don't envy doctors or their secretaries their jobs for more than one reason.
Distance: Sometimes its easy to forget just how far Timmins really is from Toronto. Well when you do most of the driving yourself and its up one day and back the next, you realize it. It's too bad Timmins wasn't located a little further South... not that I'm complaining or anything. I really do love life in Timmins.
In Conclusion
All and all, it was a very good, but short trip. And in this I found one advantage to be unemployed and uneducated: it gives me the freedom to "go along for the ride" whenever there's an opportunity. That's not the worst place to be in.
Good Report: My Mom received a good report at the doctors. It looks like the treatment has worked and thus, its safe to leave things "as is" for now- she will be going back in the fall to confirm. Obviously this is a big answer to prayer- thanks to everyone who took the time to pray!
Starbucks: I always find it kind of a contradiction to be walking in the busyness and hype of Toronto and have that all fall away just by walking into an establishment. Yet this is the type of environment that the good people at Starbucks have established. Good coffee- good quiet time.
Music: Albums from Warren Barfield, Downhere, Paul Wright, and Hawk Nelson made the driving time fly by. Plus on this road trip I realized it's official: I am officially a radio geek. I unapologetically scanned through the dial while passing through every city- much to the annoyance of the other passenger at times.
People: During my travels over the past couple of years, I've met some pretty interesting people. This trip was no different. We made friends with a little boy at the hotel who proudly held the door open for us as we walked through with our luggage. He later told his mom "look- those people are our neighbours! I helped them and they helped me!" Kids are cute.
I also spent some talking to the lady who runs the hotel gift shop. I think she remembered me from the last time we were there in May. She was quite surprised to find that I was using the arcade games the hotel had installed and I didn't try to justify it. Actually- I wouldn't be surprised to see her playing taxi the next time we go back. You gotta have some fun...
Things I would have rather avoided
Traffic: I don't know how people in Toronto can drive through that traffic on a daily basis. We got stuck in two traffic jams: one for almost an hour. The other for 20-30 minutes.
Impatient People: While we waited in the doctors office, three people (out of the eight that were in there) were angry that they had to wait to see the doctor. One guy kept approaching the secretary every few minutes, reminding her that he was still there waiting and "had a very important day a head of him." I don't know what bothered me more: his rudeness or his assumption that he was more important than every other person in that office, including the doctor. I'm not one to usually get annoyed by other people easily, but I was very annoyed. So much so that I left the waiting room and went for a walk outside. I don't envy doctors or their secretaries their jobs for more than one reason.
Distance: Sometimes its easy to forget just how far Timmins really is from Toronto. Well when you do most of the driving yourself and its up one day and back the next, you realize it. It's too bad Timmins wasn't located a little further South... not that I'm complaining or anything. I really do love life in Timmins.
In Conclusion
All and all, it was a very good, but short trip. And in this I found one advantage to be unemployed and uneducated: it gives me the freedom to "go along for the ride" whenever there's an opportunity. That's not the worst place to be in.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Going, Going, Gone.
Tomorrow morning I'm off to Toronto for my Mom's doctors appointment. If all goes according to plan, I will be back on Thursday night. Prayer for safe travel and good results at the doctors would be appreciated!
You Were There
You were there when I was a child
Running scared and terrified of fear.
You were there when I was abandoned
Feeling hopeless and anger still.
You were there when the walls fell down
And I was standing there in the rubble
(No idea of where to go from here).
You were there when I was alone
So unsure and yet unnerved.
You were there when I was forsaken
Feeling hurt and mostly plain unsure.
You were there when I was broken
Pieces laying there on the floor.
You were there when I had enough
Desperation craved without a word.
You were there when I finally turned
Facing and believing truth.
You were there when I finally accepted
Took You at Your Word.
But now my life is changing at a pace I can't ignore
And somewhere deep down inside I wonder,
Are You here? Do You know?
Do You see me in my pain?
In the times I cry? In the days I hurt?
Do You know my deepest fears? Those unspoken words?
And in this place that I don't like, I hear Hope
It whispers now and answers my doubts.
You are here, You do see, You do understand.
Ever when I can't see You
You're standing next to me.
Even when I can't feel You
You're holding me tenderly.
The truth of the matter is
Nothing separates me from You.
You were there, You are here
And You will be here always.
Running scared and terrified of fear.
You were there when I was abandoned
Feeling hopeless and anger still.
You were there when the walls fell down
And I was standing there in the rubble
(No idea of where to go from here).
You were there when I was alone
So unsure and yet unnerved.
You were there when I was forsaken
Feeling hurt and mostly plain unsure.
You were there when I was broken
Pieces laying there on the floor.
You were there when I had enough
Desperation craved without a word.
You were there when I finally turned
Facing and believing truth.
You were there when I finally accepted
Took You at Your Word.
But now my life is changing at a pace I can't ignore
And somewhere deep down inside I wonder,
Are You here? Do You know?
Do You see me in my pain?
In the times I cry? In the days I hurt?
Do You know my deepest fears? Those unspoken words?
And in this place that I don't like, I hear Hope
It whispers now and answers my doubts.
You are here, You do see, You do understand.
Ever when I can't see You
You're standing next to me.
Even when I can't feel You
You're holding me tenderly.
The truth of the matter is
Nothing separates me from You.
You were there, You are here
And You will be here always.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Submissive Prayer
Lately I've been struggling with the idea of how to pray over a situation that I feel strongly about, yet still submit to the sovereignty of God. You know how it is when you find yourself praying about something and you know the way you want it to turn out. Yet at the same time, you struggle how to pray for that knowing that God may have something else for you in mind.
For me right now there is nothing I want more than to just be healthy again. I've been struggling a lot this weekend because I really don't want this cyst. I still have nightmares from my last surgery and the complications and while looking back I can see God's hand in it, I don't want to go through that again. At the same time though I'm very much aware that in the past God choose not to heal me from this and so while I'm still praying for healing, I don't want to be completely self-centred in my prayers or my outlook on my life.
So this weekend I found myself in that place of not knowing what to say, but knowing that saying nothing was not the answer either. Thankfully I found out though that I'm not the only one to have this dilemma. Jesus, during one of His most difficult hours in the Garden of Gethsemane, faced the exact same struggle:
[Jesus] went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting Him might pass Him by. "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." (Mark 14:35-36 NLT)
Once again Jesus showed the perfect answer to one of my dilemmas. Jesus prayed for what He wanted in the flesh, yet at the same time surrendered Himself to God's perfect will. Through one quick prayer, Jesus told God exactly how He felt about what He was facing, asked for what He wanted, yet was still submissive in the fact that deep down He wanted God's way, not His own.
And so while on Saturday I was caught up in a few moments of wrestling with God, today I'm approaching Him with a completely different prayer:
"Father God, I know that with you all things are possible. Please take this away from me and restore my health. Yet I want Your plan for me, not mine."
For me right now there is nothing I want more than to just be healthy again. I've been struggling a lot this weekend because I really don't want this cyst. I still have nightmares from my last surgery and the complications and while looking back I can see God's hand in it, I don't want to go through that again. At the same time though I'm very much aware that in the past God choose not to heal me from this and so while I'm still praying for healing, I don't want to be completely self-centred in my prayers or my outlook on my life.
So this weekend I found myself in that place of not knowing what to say, but knowing that saying nothing was not the answer either. Thankfully I found out though that I'm not the only one to have this dilemma. Jesus, during one of His most difficult hours in the Garden of Gethsemane, faced the exact same struggle:
[Jesus] went on a little farther and fell face down on the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting Him might pass Him by. "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine." (Mark 14:35-36 NLT)
Once again Jesus showed the perfect answer to one of my dilemmas. Jesus prayed for what He wanted in the flesh, yet at the same time surrendered Himself to God's perfect will. Through one quick prayer, Jesus told God exactly how He felt about what He was facing, asked for what He wanted, yet was still submissive in the fact that deep down He wanted God's way, not His own.
And so while on Saturday I was caught up in a few moments of wrestling with God, today I'm approaching Him with a completely different prayer:
"Father God, I know that with you all things are possible. Please take this away from me and restore my health. Yet I want Your plan for me, not mine."
Saturday, July 08, 2006
In This Storm
In This Storm
Things are changing
Wars are raging
I can’t see a thing.
My life is flashing
My hope’s are dashing
And here I stand in vain.
Chorus
In the midst of this pace
I look for You and Your grace
Yet here I stand alone
Where are you my God?
Can you see where I am?
I’m so lost right now
I just don’t know.
The sky is darkened
My fears are sharpened
As I weather this storm
My foundation is cracking
My assurance is lacking
I don’t know where to go.
Bridge
The lightning cracks
The thunder rolls
And in this storm
I find I’m not alone
He’s never left me alone.
Things are changing
Wars are raging
I can’t see a thing.
My life is flashing
My hope’s are dashing
And here I stand in vain.
Chorus
In the midst of this pace
I look for You and Your grace
Yet here I stand alone
Where are you my God?
Can you see where I am?
I’m so lost right now
I just don’t know.
The sky is darkened
My fears are sharpened
As I weather this storm
My foundation is cracking
My assurance is lacking
I don’t know where to go.
Bridge
The lightning cracks
The thunder rolls
And in this storm
I find I’m not alone
He’s never left me alone.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
2-4-1 Special
So today I received my test results and it turns out that I do have both an infection and another cyst. I thought it would be one or the other, but I got the two for one deal!
But all the news is not bad. The infection is being treated by an antibiotic and the cyst is small enough that it doesn't necessarily mean surgery. Unless I have more pain I'll be waiting until the end of August before making any decisions. At that time I'll go for an ultrasound to see the size of it- if it's smaller, then we can leave it. If it's bigger, then it'll be coming out.
It's been a crazy ride and from the news today it's not over yet. But at least I know that I'm not riding alone.
But all the news is not bad. The infection is being treated by an antibiotic and the cyst is small enough that it doesn't necessarily mean surgery. Unless I have more pain I'll be waiting until the end of August before making any decisions. At that time I'll go for an ultrasound to see the size of it- if it's smaller, then we can leave it. If it's bigger, then it'll be coming out.
It's been a crazy ride and from the news today it's not over yet. But at least I know that I'm not riding alone.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Waiting
So I finally made it through the semester! I didn't think it would be possible to get all the work I needed to get done in the time that I had, but somehow it all ended up working out!
This past week was intense as it was filled with exams and last minute assignments, but on Friday afternoon I got everything handed in a few hours before the deadline. Talk about relief!
Saturday morning I got up early and went to the Bible study that I've been a part of for the past few months. I haven't been able to go as much as I've wanted to, but for the times I have been there, it has been really good. I've been challenged and I've been stretched and I've been blessed to have a small group setting where I can feel free to just be myself.
After study I spent the rest of Saturday and part of Sunday at my aunts cottage and it was a blessing. The cottage is the one place that has always been somewhat of a refuge for me and this time was no different. I got to spend some good quality time with God, which has been hard to come by lately. During this time I also learned a few things that are very applicable to my life right now and one of them is that this is a time to wait. While it makes sense circumstantially, now it also makes sense spiritually. I'm not one who takes to kindly to doing nothing- I like to be heading somewhere, anywhere. But right now I don't have a choice but to wait and to trust.
So I'm going to be using this unemployed, uneducated time (for however long it lasts) to wait upon God and get to know Him better and see where this journey ends up taking me.
On that note, I must thank you all for your prayers- they have made such a difference. I still don't feel the greatest, but it's not as bad as it was and I feel a real peace regarding all the situations in my life right now. Thank you. I have my test at the hospital tomorrow and I will keep you all updated on how everything turns out.
This past week was intense as it was filled with exams and last minute assignments, but on Friday afternoon I got everything handed in a few hours before the deadline. Talk about relief!
Saturday morning I got up early and went to the Bible study that I've been a part of for the past few months. I haven't been able to go as much as I've wanted to, but for the times I have been there, it has been really good. I've been challenged and I've been stretched and I've been blessed to have a small group setting where I can feel free to just be myself.
After study I spent the rest of Saturday and part of Sunday at my aunts cottage and it was a blessing. The cottage is the one place that has always been somewhat of a refuge for me and this time was no different. I got to spend some good quality time with God, which has been hard to come by lately. During this time I also learned a few things that are very applicable to my life right now and one of them is that this is a time to wait. While it makes sense circumstantially, now it also makes sense spiritually. I'm not one who takes to kindly to doing nothing- I like to be heading somewhere, anywhere. But right now I don't have a choice but to wait and to trust.
So I'm going to be using this unemployed, uneducated time (for however long it lasts) to wait upon God and get to know Him better and see where this journey ends up taking me.
On that note, I must thank you all for your prayers- they have made such a difference. I still don't feel the greatest, but it's not as bad as it was and I feel a real peace regarding all the situations in my life right now. Thank you. I have my test at the hospital tomorrow and I will keep you all updated on how everything turns out.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Updates
School Situation
My case has been reviewed with the school and although it is too late to undo the mistake that was made by cancelling my funding, they are working with me to try and get a new loan so that I can start more courses in August. This may not work because the student loan provider doesn't take too kindly to students who didn't complete the courses they were supposed to, but I'm writing a letter to them explaining the reason why that happened and telling them to verify with the school that it was not my fault.
In the meantime I'm working hard on my exams. I had one on Saturday that went good and now I'm preparing for my next two (one tomorrow and one on Friday) although it's been really hard because of another situation that's been going on...
Health Situation
For the past two months since my incision healed I have felt pretty good- unfortunately that changed this weekend. Saturday I began experiencing some pretty intense pain, along with a few other symptoms that I experienced last summer before having my cysts removed. I was very fortunate to get in with my doctor today and it turns out that based on my symptoms there is a good chance that I have another cyst. Obviously this is not good news. Right now I'm on a waiting list to get a scan at the hospital that will give a clear picture of what's going on and tomorrow I see the specialist after my exam. My mind is still reeling from the fact that I could be going through something like this again, but deep down I do have a peace about the situation.
But that said I still do covert your prayers for me during this time. Please pray especially that I would be able to do well on my exams and finish up the school work that needs to be finished: it's very hard for me to focus on my school work when I'm in pain like this and taking painkillers only manages to fog my brain further. Also please continue to be in prayer for my Mom and her skin cancer- she's finishing up her treatment this week and in two weeks will be going to the doctor in Toronto to see if it worked.
Thanks friends!
My case has been reviewed with the school and although it is too late to undo the mistake that was made by cancelling my funding, they are working with me to try and get a new loan so that I can start more courses in August. This may not work because the student loan provider doesn't take too kindly to students who didn't complete the courses they were supposed to, but I'm writing a letter to them explaining the reason why that happened and telling them to verify with the school that it was not my fault.
In the meantime I'm working hard on my exams. I had one on Saturday that went good and now I'm preparing for my next two (one tomorrow and one on Friday) although it's been really hard because of another situation that's been going on...
Health Situation
For the past two months since my incision healed I have felt pretty good- unfortunately that changed this weekend. Saturday I began experiencing some pretty intense pain, along with a few other symptoms that I experienced last summer before having my cysts removed. I was very fortunate to get in with my doctor today and it turns out that based on my symptoms there is a good chance that I have another cyst. Obviously this is not good news. Right now I'm on a waiting list to get a scan at the hospital that will give a clear picture of what's going on and tomorrow I see the specialist after my exam. My mind is still reeling from the fact that I could be going through something like this again, but deep down I do have a peace about the situation.
But that said I still do covert your prayers for me during this time. Please pray especially that I would be able to do well on my exams and finish up the school work that needs to be finished: it's very hard for me to focus on my school work when I'm in pain like this and taking painkillers only manages to fog my brain further. Also please continue to be in prayer for my Mom and her skin cancer- she's finishing up her treatment this week and in two weeks will be going to the doctor in Toronto to see if it worked.
Thanks friends!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Steel Bars
So this is how it feels at the rock bottom of despair
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul
Jill Philips- Steel Bars
I heard this song again the other day and did it ever hit me. I don't think there are any other words that can articulate my struggles over the past couple of months better. Even though on the most part I'm a very optimistic person, I did hit the rock bottom of despair and it wasn't a pleasant experience. In a lot of ways I wish I could forget the experience, but I've found myself being reminded of it a lot lately.
The rock bottom hit on a cold Friday night in November. I was in a hospital room by myself, my family had left for the night and I hadn't had any friends visit that week. Physically my energy was nonexistent and the infection still had a scary hold on my body. I don't think I'd ever felt so alone. I flicked the TV on and started channel surfing in an effort to distract myself from the reality that kept trying to creep into the dream world that I had created. But it wasn't long before reality forced its way in and stayed for a pity party.
My condition took a turn for the worst and I started losing blood rapidly. As nurses came in and out of my room, I used the few minutes of silence in between to completely break down. And break down I did.
But if there's one good thing about hitting rock bottom, it's that things can only go up from there. And for the past few months I have been fighting my way upwards. I've been learning what it means to be fully alive and I've been embracing the freedom that is found in Christ. I can't say how grateful I am for the opportunity to do so because the truth of the matter is: just because my heart hit rock bottom didn't mean that my health would start to improve along with my heart. In fact I'm very much aware that things could have turned out much differently. And maybe that's not such a bad thing to be made aware of because it's certainly increased my appreciation of the everyday.
So where Friday brought pain and sorrow, Sunday was a completely different story and in that I had my own little Easter experience. When I woke up for the first time in three weeks without a fever and shakes and looked out of my hospital room window and saw the sun streaming down, I couldn't help but think that maybe this is a small glimpse into what that resurrection moment was like for Jesus: transitioning from despair to hope, from death to life, and from sadness to joy.
And while everything was not perfect from that Sunday morning on and there still were many hard days ahead, I was changed and I was not facing this alone and that was all that really seemed to matter. Even now in my life, that's all that matters. Life is not perfect- I doubt if it ever will be on this earth. But I move forward, day by day, living life to the fullest with my Best Friend: the One who knows my journey from start to finish.
"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom." (Henri Nouwen)
When the house I built comes crashing down
And this is how it feels when I know the man that I say I am
Is not the man that I am when no one's around
This is how it feels to come alive again
And start fighting back to gain control
And this is how it feels to let freedom in
And break these chains that enslave my soul
Jill Philips- Steel Bars
I heard this song again the other day and did it ever hit me. I don't think there are any other words that can articulate my struggles over the past couple of months better. Even though on the most part I'm a very optimistic person, I did hit the rock bottom of despair and it wasn't a pleasant experience. In a lot of ways I wish I could forget the experience, but I've found myself being reminded of it a lot lately.
The rock bottom hit on a cold Friday night in November. I was in a hospital room by myself, my family had left for the night and I hadn't had any friends visit that week. Physically my energy was nonexistent and the infection still had a scary hold on my body. I don't think I'd ever felt so alone. I flicked the TV on and started channel surfing in an effort to distract myself from the reality that kept trying to creep into the dream world that I had created. But it wasn't long before reality forced its way in and stayed for a pity party.
My condition took a turn for the worst and I started losing blood rapidly. As nurses came in and out of my room, I used the few minutes of silence in between to completely break down. And break down I did.
But if there's one good thing about hitting rock bottom, it's that things can only go up from there. And for the past few months I have been fighting my way upwards. I've been learning what it means to be fully alive and I've been embracing the freedom that is found in Christ. I can't say how grateful I am for the opportunity to do so because the truth of the matter is: just because my heart hit rock bottom didn't mean that my health would start to improve along with my heart. In fact I'm very much aware that things could have turned out much differently. And maybe that's not such a bad thing to be made aware of because it's certainly increased my appreciation of the everyday.
So where Friday brought pain and sorrow, Sunday was a completely different story and in that I had my own little Easter experience. When I woke up for the first time in three weeks without a fever and shakes and looked out of my hospital room window and saw the sun streaming down, I couldn't help but think that maybe this is a small glimpse into what that resurrection moment was like for Jesus: transitioning from despair to hope, from death to life, and from sadness to joy.
And while everything was not perfect from that Sunday morning on and there still were many hard days ahead, I was changed and I was not facing this alone and that was all that really seemed to matter. Even now in my life, that's all that matters. Life is not perfect- I doubt if it ever will be on this earth. But I move forward, day by day, living life to the fullest with my Best Friend: the One who knows my journey from start to finish.
"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom." (Henri Nouwen)
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Update on the School Situation
On Wednesday I wrote a lengthy letter to the president of the school, explaining the situation and asking for his intervention. He has since responded and has promised to look into the matter. Now it's just a waiting game.
In the meantime I've been looking into other options. One problem that I didn't think about at first was health benefits. If I work part time and am in school part time my benefits will be discontinued. The only way I can have benefits is to either be in school full-time (and thus be covered by the family plan) or be working full-time (and thus be covered by my employers plan).
Health benefits are pretty much essential for me. The medication that I'm on is pricey and if I run into any other problems, I need coverage. Had I not had a health plan this past year I would have been in big trouble (actually one interesting fact for you- I was told by one of my nurses that between the government and my family plan, at least $300,000 shelled out for my care. Isn't that crazy?!?).
So no decisions have been made yet. I'm trying my best to focus on my current school work and not think about the worst-case scenario. I'm very confident that God has a plan for me even in this and I trust that He will reveal that to me in His perfect timing!
In the meantime I've been looking into other options. One problem that I didn't think about at first was health benefits. If I work part time and am in school part time my benefits will be discontinued. The only way I can have benefits is to either be in school full-time (and thus be covered by the family plan) or be working full-time (and thus be covered by my employers plan).
Health benefits are pretty much essential for me. The medication that I'm on is pricey and if I run into any other problems, I need coverage. Had I not had a health plan this past year I would have been in big trouble (actually one interesting fact for you- I was told by one of my nurses that between the government and my family plan, at least $300,000 shelled out for my care. Isn't that crazy?!?).
So no decisions have been made yet. I'm trying my best to focus on my current school work and not think about the worst-case scenario. I'm very confident that God has a plan for me even in this and I trust that He will reveal that to me in His perfect timing!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My Photo
Almost exactly a year ago I headed out to New Brunswick to attend a radio seminar and afterwards had the opportunity to do some sight-seeing.
Well one of the sights I saw was Dickson Falls in Fundy National Park. A photo I took of the falls is currently featured on canada.com (the website of canwest- Global TV, The National Post, etc.).
Check it out here and let me know what you think!
Well one of the sights I saw was Dickson Falls in Fundy National Park. A photo I took of the falls is currently featured on canada.com (the website of canwest- Global TV, The National Post, etc.).
Check it out here and let me know what you think!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Just one of those days
Last night a friend emailed me this scripture verse (thanks Byron):
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4, The Message)
Reading it last night and recalling it today was nothing short of divine. You see today hasn't been a very good day. I received some news regarding my schooling that isn't good and I don't quite know what to do about it.
You see the original plan was for this semester of school to run from January 1st to April 30th. The thought behind this was I was supposed to be healed by January and have enough energy to resume my university studies. When that didn't happen I spoke to people both at the school and at the student loan centre to request an extension on my courses. Between getting treatments every day and having not at whole lot of energy because of the infections I knew that I could not complete my courses by the end of April. As it turned out, my incision only ended up healing then anyways.
Both the school and the student loan centre agreed that this was a valid reason for an extension and granted it, with the promise that my next round of courses would start July 1st and my loan would remain in tact.
Well today I received a message from the school that I'm not allowed to start my next round of courses in July because my student loan has been cancelled for the year. For whatever reason, someone at the school decided that it would be a good idea to do this without my permission and now there is nothing I can do about it except apply again and wait until October to start. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world except that by cancelling my loan I am no longer eligible for any assistance from here on out.
On top of that, by cancelling my student loan, the school forfeited the grant that I was supposed to receive next month. The grant was worth almost $3000.
So now I'm trying to figure out my options. As it stands they are as follows:
-Quit school, find a job and count my loses.
-Find a job in July and work until November, then re-apply for school and pay for it with my job earnings. Repeat this cycle until I'm finished school.
-Find a part-time job and work while studying at a reduced course load.
-Move to the Cayman islands and live on the beach.
Right now the last option sounds like the most appealing one! ;)
Seriously as of right now I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I still have a lot of work that I need to do to finish up the courses I'm in right now and I don't need the distraction. I'm also determined not too think about it too much because thinking isn't going to help me make a decision, but prayer will.
And at the same time I've been reminded, both through that Bible verse and through my life experiences as of recently, that this is happening for a reason. I may not know the reason, but I do know that God is in control of my life. I'm also very much aware that God is my provider, not the student loan people and if wants me to continue on with this, He will make a way!
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (James 1:2-4, The Message)
Reading it last night and recalling it today was nothing short of divine. You see today hasn't been a very good day. I received some news regarding my schooling that isn't good and I don't quite know what to do about it.
You see the original plan was for this semester of school to run from January 1st to April 30th. The thought behind this was I was supposed to be healed by January and have enough energy to resume my university studies. When that didn't happen I spoke to people both at the school and at the student loan centre to request an extension on my courses. Between getting treatments every day and having not at whole lot of energy because of the infections I knew that I could not complete my courses by the end of April. As it turned out, my incision only ended up healing then anyways.
Both the school and the student loan centre agreed that this was a valid reason for an extension and granted it, with the promise that my next round of courses would start July 1st and my loan would remain in tact.
Well today I received a message from the school that I'm not allowed to start my next round of courses in July because my student loan has been cancelled for the year. For whatever reason, someone at the school decided that it would be a good idea to do this without my permission and now there is nothing I can do about it except apply again and wait until October to start. This wouldn't be the worst thing in the world except that by cancelling my loan I am no longer eligible for any assistance from here on out.
On top of that, by cancelling my student loan, the school forfeited the grant that I was supposed to receive next month. The grant was worth almost $3000.
So now I'm trying to figure out my options. As it stands they are as follows:
-Quit school, find a job and count my loses.
-Find a job in July and work until November, then re-apply for school and pay for it with my job earnings. Repeat this cycle until I'm finished school.
-Find a part-time job and work while studying at a reduced course load.
-Move to the Cayman islands and live on the beach.
Right now the last option sounds like the most appealing one! ;)
Seriously as of right now I'm just trying not to think about it too much. I still have a lot of work that I need to do to finish up the courses I'm in right now and I don't need the distraction. I'm also determined not too think about it too much because thinking isn't going to help me make a decision, but prayer will.
And at the same time I've been reminded, both through that Bible verse and through my life experiences as of recently, that this is happening for a reason. I may not know the reason, but I do know that God is in control of my life. I'm also very much aware that God is my provider, not the student loan people and if wants me to continue on with this, He will make a way!
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