Is it wrong to envy a dog?

It wasn't enough to have a dog bed. A carpet under her food dish. And a towel for sitting in the corner by the window. Now she's converted our heat vents into a sauna.

Do I sound bitter? Maybe a little. But she is cute, isn't she?

Burning Question

If there are two sides to every story, why is it that so often we only want to hear one?

Closing and Starting

Today brought about the close of one year of my life and the start of another. To commemorate, I thought I'd fill you in on a little look back on my 24th year and a look a head to what 25 has in store:

Highlights of 24:

Favorite memory:
-Week spent with my family in Traverse City, Michigan.

Worst memory:
-Well that's one advantage of having a sleeping problem - I don't remember things well. So maybe not remembering is my worst memory. Yes, I'm weird.

Favorite CD listened to:
Toss up between Paul Alan - Drive It Home and Jack's Mannequin - Everything In Transit

Top three books read:
-The Organic God by Margaret Feinberg
-Crowded Skies by Tara Leigh Cobble
-Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Surprising Accomplishment:
-Learning how to cook.

Song that best described my year:
-Walk On by U2

Five things to look forward to for year 25:

-Four state summer vacation
-Cottage season!
-Finding answers for my health problem and getting it under control
-Finish writing my second book
-Learning more about how live and minister in the same way Christ did

Macbook :)

Yesterday I picked up a new acquisition: a macbook!

I've been wanting to get a macbook for quite some time now and with my job/ministry commitments, not having a laptop is really awkward at times.

So I've been keeping my eyes open on ebay, the newspaper, etc and on Friday I came across an ad online for someone local who was selling their macbook, so inquired and ended up buying it yesterday.

It's just over a year old and has all the features I've been wanting. And the bonus was the price- very reasonable.

I'm very thankful for this new addition. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that I had a laptop. With work, C&C, and the radio show, it's going to make my life a lot easier. Plus it's a mac, which means I can take my video editing and graphic design to the next level.

What a nice early birthday gift :)

Writing and Such

Yes, I realize it's been over a week since I last posted. My sister's wedding was last weekend and I underestimated what my role was going to be in the pre-wedding preparations. I had no idea our phone could ring that much. I felt like a secretary.

But somehow in the midst of all of the busyness I also found that I feel like a writer again. I've been kicking around four ideas for my next book and I think I've settled on two to start on.

The first is another non-fiction book that'll be a devotional type book. I'm still in the early stages of planning it, but I've got around 3000 words down on paper and I feel inspired to keep writing.

The second project I'm excited about is a novel. I mentioned before that I was thinking about writing one, but this is actually a different story idea that came to me than before (I guess I'll leave that one in the "idea's" folder for now). I don't know if it's ever going to be something that I'll want to try to get published or not, but it's one of those stories I feel that I can't help but write down. I was working on it the other night and within a half hour I had the entire story mapped out from start to finish. So I'm going to keep writing and see where that takes me.

A quote to leave you with:

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." (Ida Scott Taylor)

Not Knowing

Tomorrow I'm set to walk into another doctors office and I have no idea will what the appointment will bring.

Will I finally get the answers I've been seeking for what seems like forever?

Will it lead to more tests, more possiblities?

Will I be stuck waiting for a diagnoses? And in the meantime have no clue what I can do to get rid of these trying symptoms?

I don't know.

But I do know that no matter what happens in that doctors office tomorrow, Someone already knows how it's going to go down. He promises to walk with me through every part of life, both the highs and the lows.

So I do know Who will be with me. And right now, that's all I need to know.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love." (Romans 5:3-5)

The Cave

Right now at College and Careers we're working through a video study based on the book "If You Want To Walk On Water, You've Got To Get Out Of The Boat" by John Ortberg.

I read this book for the first time a few years ago and through prepping for the studies, I've been going through chunks of it again. A quote that caught my eye this week:

“Sometimes you are in a cave and no human action is able to get you out. There is something you can’t fix, can’t heal, or can’t escape, and all you can do is trust God. Finding ultimate refuge in God means you become so immersed in His presence, so convinced of His goodness, so devoted to His lordship that you find even the cave is a perfectly safe place to be because He is there with you.” (John Ortberg)

A Life To Give Away

I read this tonight and it really hit home. It comes from the blog of Jon Foreman (Switchfoot). You can follow the link at the bottom of this post to read the whole thing.

"Pieces of us, significant ideals and dreams, now reduced to dust and ash drifting away. Washing away. In every moment there's always the option to run from the momentary pain. momentary little alters to momentary little gods.

But maybe that's just what we've been given: a life to give away. time. meaning. love. we lay these, our gifts on the alters of our choosing. Memories, knowledge, wealth, friends, scars- these are what we accumulate. But these do not come cheap: these possessions will cost us our very lives. We lose ourselves whether we like it or not. This is not a choice. "Listen man, if you lose yourself for my sake you'll find yourself, try and hold on to yourself and you'll lose it."

Yeah, I suppose even Divine love is like that, erosion. washing over us like the rain or the sun or the shore. But to compare the two is absurd. One is life the other is death. But it takes time to tell them apart- I can usually tell which is which a few weeks down the line. The creator's love is creating, additive, purposeful. I feel more complete, more whole, more at home in the "in" and the "of". Make no mistake, he takes things away, and it hurts like hell. It sometimes hurts worse than the other sort of pain, the numb deadening sort. Maybe partly because your more alive, more aware. Or maybe because you're the hands of a friend.

But I suppose thats the difference between the doctor and the dealer: one is the touch of a sculptor one is the glove of a thief."

Read the rest...

The Portable Seminary

Today my day started with one of my favourite things: getting a new shipment of books.

I save up cash and every couple of months order a couple books that I'm interested in. By ordering them all at once I save on shipping and it forces me to be self-controlled and read the ones I already have first.

Anyway, today the book that came in that I'm most excited about is called "The Portable Seminary". It's a huge book- about 700 pages and the purpose of it is to go over a lot of the topics that you would learn if you went to seminary.

Now the people who write the book say themselves it in no way replaces a seminary education, but for people who are interested and can't afford to go or don't have the time to, this gives you a starting point for many of the topics you'd see covered there.

So I'm excited to dive into it. Some sections that look pretty appealing:

-Old and New Testament surveys
-ethics
-systematic theology
-apologetics

For myself I'm hoping this serves as kind of a diving board to get me started on studying topics that I've been interested in for years, but have never really taken the time to look into fully for myself.

Paul Alan

For years I've been a Paul Alan fan. I've made it no secret that in my opinion his CD "Falling Awake" is one of the best Christian albums that has ever been recorded.

So you can imagine how excited I was to find out that he has released a new CD! It's called "Drive It Home" and after ordering it, I got access to download the album and after listening to it a couple times, I think it is fair to say it's another classic!

Right now my favourite song on it is "To Bring You Back". Check it out on his myspace page and be amazed!

Paul Alan - To Bring You Back

are you thirsty
standing in the rain
not sure where you are
or how you lost your way
hey, hey, hey
are you drowning
in some bar outside of town
searching for something given…
not found
a crowd of people and totally alone
at the front door
but worlds away from home

light up the night’s last regret
burn your only safety net
step to the edge
it’s such a long way down

I left the ninety nine to find the one
and you’re the one
I’ve walked 1000 miles in this desert sun
only to bring you back…

are you tired of chasing the wind
underwater…
do you aspire to breathe again
are you dying
is that the best that you can do
’cause you can’t find your place in a world that wasn’t meant for you

I left the ninety nine to find the one
and you’re the one
I’ve walked 1000 miles in this desert sun
only to bring you back…

hello it’s me
I couldn’t sleep
I was just counting sheep and I’m missing you…

Weekend Seminar

So this weekend I attended the Growing A Healthy Church seminar at my church and wow, was it ever good!

Often I find we tend to overcomplicate things and with church and ministry it's no different. But this course wasn't something to add to the confusion, but rather to clarify it all. To remove all of the extra's that man has added over time and to focus on how Jesus lived His life.

So using Jesus' ministry as the framework we learned how to effectively live out a life that multiplies and blesses the lives of those we come into contact with. And this applies both on a personal level and a ministry one.

I took a lot of notes and we were each given a workbook, which I'm going to be going over many times in the coming weeks and months. I see there are a lot of areas where I can improve how I minister to others and how I grow myself. Not so much by following steps a, b, and c, but rather by having a different mindset in the way I do things.

I'm sure as I process the lessons learned I'll be posting more on it in the near future, but for now I'll leave you with a couple quotes from the seminar that are still swirling about in my mind:

"Because we're busy we settle for what's easy, but not for what's best."

"Your attitude towards people reflects your attitude towards God."

"Sunday morning is a reflection of what is taking place in people's lives throughout the week."

"You can teach skills and you can teach knowledge, but you can't install a heart for God and service in someone else."

"Because of his humanity, Jesus faced limitations like we do. Even though he passionately loved all people, he could not be everywhere at once. He knew that to reach the masses he had to invest in a few- so that the masses could be ultimately reached."

Growing A Healthy Church

This weekend I'm pumped to be attending a "Growing A Healthy Church" seminar that's being held at our church.

I've heard nothing but good things about this course and even though I'm no pastor or church planter, I'm hoping to learn lots that can help me with leading College and Careers and hopefully in other ministry areas as well.

Speaking of ministry, I got some pretty amazing news yesterday. Supposedly some Wal-Mart stores in the US are now carrying my book! I don't know how many stores have it in stock or if it's selling, but that doesn't really matter. I'm just thrilled to know that such a big chain of stores somehow got a hold of something I wrote. And through the grace of God, maybe just one life can be changed.

Stranger things have happened.

Saying "no"

Today I said no to something that I was asked to do and I can't tell you how good it feels. By nature I'm somewhat of a people pleaser (which I think deep down most of us are). So when I get asked to do things, I have a really hard time saying 'no'.

Over the years, I've gotten better at this, but I still find it difficult sometimes when I'm asked. Mostly because most of the requests I get are for good things. Great things even. But sometimes a good thing can turn into a bad thing if you're not the right person for the job or you're over-committed as it is.

So I said no. I explained that I've got a job that I love that is my focus. Ministries that are my passion. And family and friends who I'd like to spend more time with, not less.

It felt good to have the freedom to say no. I wish I could have learned this very important lesson years ago- it would have made life a whole lot less complicated.

NCAA March Madness

I don't really know very much about college basketball. If I had cable, I'd probably watch it. But I don't, so my knowledge is pretty limited.

But still something about March Madness draws me in year after year. I keep track of teams that I can't recall the names of at any other time of the year. I check stats. I watch the highlights online. And I do this all because of some genius idea: brackets.

Every year with my limited knowledge I take a random shot in the dark and pick my bracket (basically you call which teams are going to win and advance). Then I have fun watching "my teams" and seeing which ones advance.

There's probably better things I can do with my time, but I really enjoy it. And there are prizes which makes it all the sweeter. Two years ago I nearly won an awesome prize pack, but lost on the tie-breaker question.

So my bracket has been entered and until the tournament is over I'll be checking the scores and keeping track of the games. At last check I'm 11 for 13, so we'll see how well this year goes.

On A Hill Too Far Away

With the Easter season upon us, I have been re-reading parts of one of my favorite books "On A Hill Too Far Away" by John Fischer.

If you haven't read it yet, I can't recommend it enough. I'm not one to write in the margins of books, but this one had so much meat in it that I couldn't not jot down thoughts and underline paragraphs.

One quote that has really struck me today:

"Sin is what prevents even the most well-meaning of us from completely conquering the evil in our hearts. We may climb the highest mountain and yet descend to the lowest form of greed. We may find a cure for AIDS and yet be powerless against the bigotry, prejudice, and self-righteousness that festers in the hearts of gays and straights alike. We may give much of what we have to feed the poor but not be able to come up with even a morsel for the hunger in our own souls. We are a study in contrasts. We all ate of the fruit. We are filled with the knowledge of both good and evil at the same time, and we cannot always choose correctly. Something went wrong. The cross tells us that. If something hadn't gone wrong, we wouldn't need a cross." (On A Hill Too Far Away, p. 67)

The truth is no matter how hard we try, we'll never "arrive". Which is why the blood of Christ is vital and His grace is needed to carry us through each day. There truly is wonderful power in the blood.

Hound of Heaven

"As for me, I look to the Lord for his help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord Himself will be my light." (Micah 7:7-8)

Those verses have been the cry of my heart for the past couple of months because of a certain situation that I've been watching unfold. And while for a long time it seemed like the situation was covered in darkness, I am now seeing cracks of light break through into the darkness.

So I wait in faith and I trust that one day very soon the darkness that fell like a blanket will disappear completely. Not because of anything I've said or done. But because while an army of believers have been on their knees praying, the hound of Heaven has been leaving the 99 to pursue the one who is lost.

And I trust that one day soon that lost sheep is going to be found.

MAD Media & Design

For the past couple of years I've learned quite a bit about creating websites. And what started off as a hobby has really taken off.

I designed a site for the MAD Christian Radio Show and from that two people saw it and asked me to make similar sites for them and it has kind of snowballed from there.

I'm currently maintaining 10 different websites and with the increased workload, I figured it was about time I set up a website for myself. After all, what looks worse than a web design business that doesn't have its own website?

So I've launched a site under the name "MAD Media & Design". MAD being in tribute to the MAD Christian Radio Show. You can check out the new site at www.madmediadesign.ca.

Longing

Today I felt a longing I haven't felt in months. I want to go back to school. I miss it.

I miss completing assignments. Learning all kinds of neat stuff. And being in that kind of environment.

Don't get me wrong- I love my job and I wouldn't stop it for anything. But if things were back to normal with my health, I could have the best of both worlds. Work on finish my schooling and work part-time, like I was doing before the summer. After all, the last time I checked there isn't a huge demand for people who have 3/4 of a degree.

Actually, maybe it isn't the school that I'm missing the most right now. Maybe what I'm missing most is what 'normal' used to be.

Getting up early. Driving my siblings to work. Picking up a cup of steaming hot coffee. Stopping in at the gym. Putting in a full day of school work and a couple hours of work work in the evenings. Going out with friends. Taking part in sports. Having hobbies. Experiencing restful nights and fruitful days.

Life has changed and with that change has come a 'new normal'. And maybe not having school is only a small part of the equation. Because the longer this goes on the more the 'new normal' starts to look just like the 'normal' and that can be a hard thing to swallow sometimes.

Is it wrong to so greatly desire something that you used to have? I don't know. But I do know that what I don't have here is temporary and truly, I could be a lot worse off. I know that and I'm grateful. I also know that those who are 'missing something' are often the ones who end up with the most in the end, just not in the ways they thought.

Tonight I'm comforted by the words of Rob Lacey as he interpreted the beatitudes:

"I'll tell you who'll laugh the last: the people who don't think to much of themselves, who know they're a mess- their ticket to heaven's already in the post (first class).

Who'll be happy? The people who know about grief, who don't shove the mess behind the sofa, but face it- God himself is going to put his arm around them.

Who'll be content? The modest, gentle types, who don't go round grabbing- they'll be given the world.

Who'll be laughing? The people who only want to do the right thing, like it's their food and drink- their 'good news in tray' will be piled high.

Who'll be laughing? The people who don't hold grudges, who forgive and forget- they'll get treated likewise.

Who's laughing, deep down, already? The people who aren't polluted with stuff that mugs the heart- they'll get to see God.

Who's laughing, deep down? The people who stop fights and start friends, who turn fists into high fives- they'll get known as God's children.

Who's laughing? The people who get slapped down for doing the right thing- they get given the security code to heaven's gates."

Things I Want To Do

When I was younger I made a list of things that I want to do while I'm alive. Over the years, I've been able to cross some items off my list. But I've also added more.

So here is my list. Any suggestions? What do you want to do throughout your lifetime?

Things I Want To Do
*items in bold have been crossed off. Although for most, I wouldn't mind doing them again :)

-Travel to: Chicago, Nashville, Colorado, California, Europe (Holland, Switzerland, Italy), Cayman Islands, Panama, Israel, East Coast of Canada, Washington DC, South Carolina
-Set foot on an aircraft carrier
-Go on a missions trip
-Get my boating licence
-Learn how to ride a horse
-Write a book
-Ride in a helicopter
-Take an extended road trip or train trip on my own
-See U2 in concert
-Work in Christian radio
-Go white water rafting
-Go to GMA Week
-See an NHL hockey game
-Be an extra in a movie/tv show
-See a baseball game at Wrigley Field
-Get a hole-in-one
-set foot in all of the Great Lakes
-Complete an Incredible Adventure
-Go whale watching
-Learn how to fly a plane
-Ride a camel
-Go rock climbing
-Learn how to take really good pictures
-Open my own business
-Drive a BMW
-See an article of mine in a big magazine
-See a musical
-Visit an art museum
-Drive a motorcycle
-Master digital video and audio editing

Paradox of Faith

Do you ever feel like faith can be a huge paradox sometimes? That's the way I feel right now. It's not that I don't trust God, it's just that I don't know how to act based on that trust.

I have been praying for something for over a year now. There is a situation that needs God's intervention but the people involved seem to be ignoring His leading every chance they get. So as a bystander who really cares about the people involved, what do I do?

Does moving towards acceptance mean that suddenly I'm more passive in my prayers? Or is there a way to to accept what's happening while still 'storming the gates of heaven' for change?

I'm not sure. As hard as I try, accepting the situation 'as is' seems all too close to giving up faith that it would change. But at the same time I don't want to live at odds with reality.

Thus the paradox.

Depressing Math

I was bored the other night and so I decided it would be 'fun' to figure out how much television I've watched over the past year. Big mistake.

It's not an exact number, but it's pretty close. With my insomnia being so bad, in the later hours of the night, I've turned to television. Because I have a hard time reading now (I have ADD like symptoms from sleep deprivation), I watch an average of four hours of TV a night. So...

4 hours x 365 days
=1460 hours of TV in one year

That's 60.8 days gone to TV in one year.

It's depressing. First off, because I've always been careful about limiting my TV consumption and can't stand wasting time. And secondly, because there are so many other things I'd rather be doing with my time. But at 3 am, there's not much else to do.

The only 'plus' to these stats, is that where the average person sleeps 8 hours a night, over the past year I slept around 3-4 hours a night (never thought I'd see that as a plus!). So in effect, I've substituted TV for sleep. Not intentionally, but it times out right.

And I wish I could say I see an easy solution of how to change this trend, but there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't focus on books. I can't go out and do something physical at that hour. And I'm not supposed to work or do other activities that could be seen as 'stimulating'.

So for now it's just me and my TV family* consisting of Jonas, Nora, Eric, Lucas, Barbara Jean, Harm, Don, Sydney, Emily, and Sophia.

*A prize for anyone who can guess at least 8 of the 10 references.

Ladies Retreat 08

So as mentioned in the previous post, this weekend was the ladies Christian retreat and as always, it was such a good weekend.

The topic that the speaker was speaking on was prayer. Not just surface "you should pray more" messages, but real talks about prayer. Its history, its place in our lives, and its power. I don't think I've ever heard a speaker be so real about the subject of prayer and the disappointments that can come when our prayers don't seem to be answered. Some interesting points brought up by the speaker:

-In the New Testament, prayer is spoken of more often than any other activity in the church.
-Just because you don't see an answer to your prayer, don't be fooled into thinking that there isn't one. Prayers are operative until the time is right and they are complete.
-God reveals Himself as He walks with us in the bitterness and pain of life. How do you ever know the God of Comfort if you've never shed a tear?
-a spiritual life is a lifelong process of opening ourselves to God. We need to make room for Him in our lives.

I walked away with a lot to chew on and I've been challenged to start making more room in my life for God. Even by taking more times of silence. Too often I think I cut the "listening" part of the relationship off and that's something that has to be changed.

On Saturday I ended up delivering the workshop to the teens and it went really well. A huge thanks to everyone who prayed, it was pretty amazing! Beforehand I was a little worried about my energy level for delivering such a workshop since I was pretty wiped out. And being "on my game" for an hour and a half straight hasn't happened in over a year. That was until Saturday.

A few minutes before the workshop started I felt pumped full of energy. If I were to ever down a Red Bull, I imagine it would feel something like what I felt on Saturday. I was able to thrive through the whole workshop and actually remember the points I was trying to make- bonus! And then after the last girl left the room it felt like I was a balloon that was starting to deflate.

While I was disappointed that the energy high didn't last, I was very thankful for it. I haven't felt that good in over a year and a half. So I know it came from God and I know that He gave it because He wanted to use what was said to reach the teens who showed up. And I'm just very thankful that I was able to be a small part of that.

So thank you for praying. While the speaker spoke all weekend on the power of it, I got to witness it firsthand on Saturday afternoon and it's something that I'm not going to forget, no matter how tired I get :)

Retreat

After nearly two months of getting ready for it, the Ladies Retreat is this weekend!

While twice over the past couple of years I gave a five minute talk to the teens, this year I'm going to be doing a complete workshop on Saturday afternoon. And I'm really looking forward to it.

It's called:

God Wants To Use You
Through Your Past, In Your Present, For Your Future

So if you could spare a prayer or two, I would really love to be covered in prayer for the workshop. Things you could pray for:

-that those who attend would be impacted by what we talk about
-that it would only be God speaking, not me
-and that God would give me strength and clarity. Because I'm so sleep deprived I sometimes struggle with expressing my thoughts clearly and my memory isn't the greatest. So I'm going to have to be counting on Him 110%. Which I guess is the way it should be after all!

I don't know how much blogging I'll have a chance to do over the weekend, but I promise a full report once the retreat is done.

Blessings.

Reaching Across The Globe

Ever since I've been quite young I've heard about the crisis' taking place around the world. For many years it seemed unimaginable to think that people exist who don't have clean drinking water or enough money to feed their children. And for far too long I turned a blind eye to the suffering because I couldn't figure out what I, a person living so far away from them, could do about it.

But a few years ago I was connected with an organization that could allow someone like me to actually make a difference. And that organization is Compassion International.

Through Compassion my family and I get to sponsor a six year old boy named Manuel who lives in Mexico. While $32 a month doesn't go that far here, for Manuel it has made the world of difference. It helps him and his family have what they need to survive and thrive. He can go to school. His medical needs are covered. And he gets the opportunity to learn about Jesus.

And Compassion has not only changed his life, it's changed mine too. A few months ago I received a letter from Manuel. Before the letter was over, he asked me "do you know that God died for you?"

That's a statement coming from a six year old child. A six year old child who probably find a long list of things to worry about. But his concern is that I know that God loves me so much that He died for me. God is doing something in that young child's life.

And He's doing something in mine. It usually takes a lot to move me to tears. But more than once I have cried after reading Manuel's letters. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy, for the privilege of being connected to this young boy. It's been a life-changing experience to say the least.

Food for Thought

"We have put so much emphasis on avoiding evil that we have become virtually blind to the endless opportunities for doing good. We have defined holiness through what we separate ourselves from rather than what we give ourselves to. I am convinced the great tragedy is not the sins that we commit, but the life we fail to live." (Erwin McManus, Chasing Daylight, p. 36)

A Necessary 'Evil'

In the pre-valentine's day hype, I heard a lot of talk about how it's such a commercial holiday. Something that keeps the flower and chocolate industries alive. And something that shouldn't have to be celebrated since love should be expressed everyday, not just on Valentine's.

And while a few years ago I probably would have agreed with those statements, I've come to see holidays like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Birthdays, etc as almost a "necessary evil". Hear me out.

Life these days is anything but simple for most people. We have places to go. People to see. And in the busyness of life, it's easy to forget about the important things. Random acts of kindness for those we love. Saying important things. Spending quality time with those we care about.

And while in a perfect world we shouldn't need advertising to tell us how and when we should honour those who are important to us; I wonder what might happen to some relationships if we didn't have these days set aside with the purpose of honouring those we love? Maybe if it weren't for these special days, many would forget to express love to those in their lives all together.

It would be amazing if we could all feel the love expressed on Valentine's everyday. But for those men and women who only feel it on February 14th, I can understand why it holds significance. And maybe in some way Valentine's for them is a spark of hope. That maybe what they feel and receive today could be carried over to the other 364 days of the year.

And so if Valentine's and Mother's Day and such occasions serve to remind just one person how special they are and how much they are worthy of love, then all the hype and advertising and sales gimmicks just might be worth it.

A Lasting Legacy

February 12, 2003. The day was exactly five years ago, yet how clearly it stands out in my mind.

After a week and a half of pleading and wrestling with God, looking for miracles, and holding onto hope, my heavenly Father called someone very precious to me Home.

This is the person who was a part of nearly every good memory I have from birth to that day in February. This is the person who taught me so much about love, life, friendship, and compassion. This person was my grandmother.

Words can't describe the feeling devastation that was felt when she suddenly took ill. Just the night before we were laughing and playing games and planning our summer trip together. Then suddenly I'm hearing medical terms I'd never heard before. Words that were complicated, but all meant the same thing: medically speaking there wasn't much hope.

So for ten turbulent days our lives revolved around a hospital room, praying for a miracle and trying to deny what seemed inventible.

And then the moment came. When she made the transition from this world to the next. And her family was left behind feeling such a profound sense of loss.

But over the years while I've grieved for her loss and still do, I've also come to realize that she has left me with so much. She taught me so many lessons, that while most were never spoken, resonate so loudly. And while writing them all out would take much more space than what's available here, I thought I would share a few.

She taught me about lasting friendship. When she moved to Timmins she became friends with a neighbour. That friendship lasted for over 45 years and was a stronger bond than I've seen exist in most families.

She taught me about compassion. Often she would quote that verse in Isaiah that says "share your bread with the hungry and shelter the homeless and poor" and she lived it.

She taught me about the power of marriage. She and my grandfather were married over fifty years and it's because of their example that I still believe that a good marriage is possible when two people are willing to give.

She taught me that risks are there for the taking. She was a war bride who married my grandfather (a Canadian solider) after knowing him for only a few months and then moved to a country where she knew no one and was well aware it would be many years before she could return back home. But she took a step of faith and didn't let anything hold her back from what she knew she needed to do.

She taught me the value of laughter. Too often it becomes easy to stop laughing when times get tough and if anyone had the right to stop laughing it would have been her. I can't comprehend what it would have been like growing up in a country that was occupied by the Nazi's during World War 2. But she didn't let her life experiences there or here stop her from laughing and living life to the fullest.

And she taught me the value of family. While I was growing up we referred to my grandparents house as "grand central station" and in many ways it was and still is. Their door was always open and we always took advantage of that. Whether it was spur of the moment visits or planned family dinners or evening get-togethers, something was always happening. Even on our family vacations and our weeks spent at the cottage, my grandparents were there and it made those times that much more enjoyable. In good times and bad, there was never a doubt that their door would be open to us and I can't imagine what growing up would have been like without them both in my life.

So today while I miss her, I'm also thankful for the legacy and lessons that she left me with. And I can only hope that one day I'm a fraction of the person she was and leave the kind of impact that she did.

News to Share

Last week I got my MasterCard bill in the mail. While opening the bill is not normally an event that brings a smile to my face, this month was different.

When I had originally signed up for the card it was an ebay credit card. Meaning they gave you points to spend on ebay for every dollar you spent. It was free so I thought there was no damage done to place my purchases on it.

But last year the ebay deal went out the window. Either ebay or the credit card company retracted the deal. To make up for it, the credit card company bumped my account up to have "premier rewards". A service they normally charged for, but gave it this time for free. I didn't really get what a great thing this was until I got my January bill in the mail.

Every January they take the sum of your total purchases on the card and give you a cash back bonus depending on how much you spent.

So imagine my sweet surprise when I opened my bill only to find I owed only $5.17! The coffeemaker I thought I was buying with my Christmas gift money is now free. My membership to zip.ca is completely paid for. And suddenly I have some extra cash in my bank account. All thanks to the good folks at MBNA Canada.

That really made my day. Well okay, made my week. And since then I've been telling everyone who will listen what a great deal that card is and how awesome the benefits are, especially when January rolls around.

And tonight a little bit of conviction rolled in when I realized that some of the people I so excitedly shared my news with are the same people I hesitate to share the Good News with.

Give me cash and I'll tell the world. Give me eternal life and suddenly I clam up. Doesn't make much sense now does it?

Representing Christ

Mondays and Tuesdays are always the busiest days of my week, but they are almost always the most enjoyable. Why? Because it's these two days that I have devoted to something that has been a big part of my life for the last six and a half years: the MAD Christian Radio Show.

When it started up, I had no idea how far it would go or how much I would enjoy doing it. It's been an incredible blessing to me and from the feedback I've been getting, it's also been a blessing to others.

How amazing is it that when God designed us He gave us gifts and abilities in certain areas? And even more amazing is that it's often in those same areas that our heart leaps because it's what we enjoy the most. What we're often most passionate about.

That's probably why I don't like the term "serving God". Because that kind of implies some sort of slavery system. Maybe a better term to use is representing Christ. Because that's what we do with every choice we make, every action we take, and every word we speak. And representing Christ, whether it's in ministry or in the day to day, truly is a great privilege.

"The place where God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." (Frederick Buechner)

Of Darkness & Light

This week someone gave me a flashlight. It's the smallest flashlight I've ever owned. About the size that it's perfect for a keychain.

Despite it's size, every night this week when I've needed to make the walk from my office upstairs to my room downstairs, trying not to disturb others by flipping on all the lights, it's provided the perfect amount of light. This small flashlight makes a big difference.

It illuminates obstacles. Reminds me where the staircase starts (always good to know!) And takes away the fear of the unknown shadows.

While during the day my flashlight sits on my desk unnoticed and unused, when the darkness settles I appreciate having this light by my side.

And this has gotten me thinking of how often do we wait until it gets dark in our lives before we appreciate the greatest gift that has ever been given to us? Christ. The light of the world.

Last night was a dark night and today was a dark day in my life. I witnessed the desperation of someone's hopelessness, the pain of prayers that seem to be going unanswered, and the side effects of living in a sin filled world. Yet in the midst of this darkness, I have come to have a further appreciation of the light that Christ brings to my life.

No it doesn't take away the darkness, but it does provide us with a safe place in the midst of it. A place where we can come to rest. A place we can come to refocus. And a place we can come to be refreshed.

Tonight I'm very thankful for that light.

Strength that Endures

"We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul- not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bring and beautiful that he has for us." (Colossians 1:11-12, The Message)

As I've shared here before, I read those verses for the first time while sitting on a hospital bed, waiting to go in for surgery.

When I read those verses I had no idea how much I would hold on to them and see truth revealed over and over again. The only thing I knew at the time is that it was very significant and God was most definitely speaking to me through it. What He was saying, I wasn't sure then.

Two and a half years later, those verses are still speaking.

They spoke to me after the surgery when the pain was so intense that I counted down every minute to my next dose of morphine.

They spoke to me when my body was filled with infection from that surgery and I was so sicker than I've ever been in my life.

They spoke to me during my six month recovery, through many re-infections and the process of building up my strength.

They spoke to me when less than a month after I was healed from that ordeal I was told that I might have to go through it all again.

They spoke to me when I was healed of that cyst and would no longer require yet another surgery.

They spoke to me when my energy started draining, my joints started hurting and sleep became less frequent.

They spoke to me through a doctor's diagnoses and my struggle to accept what having sleep apnea really meant.

They spoke to me through over 365 nights and counting of darkness, praying for sleep when none would come.

They spoke to me through over 365 trying days and counting, attempting to function with the world when all I want to do was crawl into bed and stay there.

They spoke to me through many "I don't know" diagnoses and attempts to figure out what was wrong.

They spoke to me in the gut-wrenching situation I'm working through. Losing someone I love dearly, who is techically still here, but emotionally so far away.

They speak to me now at 2:30 am while the world sleeps and I keep glancing at the clock, exhausted, but unable to shut down. Still having no answers as to what is going on and what I can do to make it better.

So what do those verses say? They say a lot.

They say that God gives us strength beyond our wildest imagination. And He doesn't do it all at once. Just when we think we're running low and can't make it any farther, He fills us up to press on.

They say that joy comes even in the midst of sadness. That light can still be found in the darkest night. And that His peace is never far away.

And they say that God sees beauty in our pain. Like the master painter, He's shaping our life canvas one brush stroke at a time. Sometimes the places He paints or the colors He uses don't make sense to us, but He sees the whole picture. And one day we too will see that beautiful creation called our life story.

Until that day comes, I've choosen to hold onto those verses and trust this great artist who I've come to know as my best friend. And as the years go by, I know more than ever that He is worthy of my trust.

A Different Perspective

Today I received a copy of "The Word on the Street" by Rob Lacey. For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it's a paraphrase of the Bible, but with more of an urban flare to it than "The Message".

Tonight as I was browsing through it, I already found myself being refreshed by the words. Sometimes a different perspective on the same text can make a big difference. Consider Isaiah 53:1-6:

"Who would credit it? Who'd have foreseen this plot line in God's liberation story? He grew up vulnerable as a sapling in a concrete yard. Not especially attractive; nothing particularly regal about him: he didn't stand out in a crowd, your Mr. Average. He was dissed by most, given the cold shoulder by many. There was a sadness about him. You could see in his face that he was on personal terms with grief. People blocked him out, verbally abused him, didn't rate him.

But whoa! Step back a sec! Weren't those our weakness he took on? Wasn't that our sadness he carried? But we were convinced he'd been rubbed out of God's good books, punished by him, held down by him. How wrong can you be?! He was messed up by our mess. He was knocked down for our slip-ups. The slapping we should've got- he got. And we got serenity instead. His punishment beating left him half-human and us whole and fully human. We've all wandered off like lost boys, all followed our own directions. And God's punished him for everything we've done."

While obviously paraphrases aren't study Bibles, in my personal devotions I have a feeling I'll be enjoying this one!

New Website

If you're really observant, you've probably noticed that there is a new link in the column to the right. It's for the site klmcnulty.com.

Before I had another domain name set up for a website for my writing, but ran into tons of problems with the hosting company and to make a long story short, it was easier to start over than fight it out with them.

So I registered a new name and with it set up a new design. There's not a ton of content there. But I plan on using it as a place to keep people informed about what's happening with my writing. And if you visit you can see it's also a place for people who stop by there to be re-directed here for this crazy thing called a blog.

So if you have time, give it a looking over and let me know what you think. I'm open to suggestions :)

Taking Onesimus Back

The book of Philemon is really small. So small in fact that you can't help but read it in one sitting. And it's a different book of the Bible because it reads more like a personal letter than the other books of the Bible do (well at least is does to me).

But the message of Philemon is very important. You've got a slave named Onesimus whose name literally means useful. But this guy hadn't been too useful to Philemon. In fact he took off and deserted him. The circumstances around his running away isn't clear. But what is clear is that Onesimus has had a change of heart. He's come to know Christ and he wants to do the right thing and go back to Philemon.

So Paul writes Philemon and asks him to take Onesimus back. Not just as a slave, but as a brother in Christ. Now no where in this letter do we know what happened after Philemon received Paul's letter. We don't know how he responded or if he took Onesimus back. But what we do know is what's expected of us in similar situations.

I don't know what your life is like, but right now I've got a 'Onesimus' in my life. Someone who messed up royally. Has done hurtful things. And doesn't have the greatest track record. But now they are looking to come back.

That leaves me in a dilemma. Do I choose to forgive and trust, knowing I could very well be hurt again? Or do I put an arms length distance between myself and this person?

If Paul's letter to Philemon is any indication, I've got no choice but to accept this person back as who they are- my sibling in the Lord. And how could I not? Because chances are one day I'll be knocking on someone else's door, needing grace extended back to me. And when that happens I can only hope that the person on the other end has the same grace and love as Paul had for Onesimus. The same grace and love that Christ has for me. And the same grace and love that I need to have for everyone who I cross paths with, deserters or not.

Blessed

It's only Tuesday (well I guess now it's technically Wednesday), but it feels like it should be Friday. Usually Monday and Tuesdays are my busiest days, but this week they were plain insane!

Yesterday I worked an 11 hour day between work, radio show, and ministry stuff. Today was 14 hours with only a break to cook dinner and eat. Yeah that's right, cook dinner.

It's no secret that I don't usually spend time in the culinary arts, but that's changing. It started two years ago when I found out I liked to bake and no one got sick from what I made. Today my Mom was out and I knew she didn't have time to make dinner, so instead of falling back on leftovers or kraft dinner, I decided to make something real. It actually turned out pretty good and I'm discovering that I do enjoy spending time in the kitchen.

I guess it's about time. It's pretty sad that at 24 my Mom still makes my dinner. In my defence though, our house could nearly be classified as a restaurant. My Mom spends most of her days in the kitchen and not only feeds us and two other family members, but often sends meals out. But I still should take the time to learn a thing or two from her...

So while today was crazy busy and I was doing a lot of juggling, it was good. It's a great feeling to be able to go to bed, even if it's later than I'd like, knowing that I did get something done. And I'm very grateful that I get to do what I do on a daily basis. I may not be able to be in school right now because of my health situations, but somehow by the grace of God I still get to do so many things that I love.

I'm blessed and I'm very much aware of that tonight.

Food for Thought

Lord, by this sweet and saving sign,
Defend us from our foes and thine.
Jesus, by thy wounded feet,
Direct our path aright:
Jesus, by thy nailed hands,
Move ours to deeds of love:
Jesus, by thy pierced side,
Cleanse our desires:
Jesus, by thy crown of thorns,
Annihilate our pride:
Jesus, by thy silence,
Shame our complaints:
Jesus, by this parched lips,
Curb our cruel speech:
Jesus, by thy closing eyes,
Look on our sin no more:
Jesus, by thy broken heart,
Knit ours to thee.
And by this sweet and saving sign,
Lord, draw us to our peace and thine.

Richard Crashaw, English Poet (1612-1649)

Jotting Thoughts

Suddenly I feel this overwhelming desire to write and it's a great feeling. For the longest time that desire was very suppressed. Trying to complete school while keeping up with work and ministry, all while having limited energy because of my sleep problems meant that at the end of the day (or night) I had nothing left to give. But now that I'm out of school for the time being and I've got my own little office set up, so I'm free to write into the late hours of the night without bothering anybody and it's great. And I am excited to write.

Write what? I'm not quite sure yet. I do a lot of writing for work, which is great. I write devotionals for the radio show. But I want to write more than that.

I've been toying with a novel idea for a few years now and it suddenly seems like the right time to start putting words down on paper. I don't know if it will ever progress into a full-length novel or if will sound as interesting on paper as it does in my head, but I'm trying it out.

I'm also flooded with material for a workshop that I'll be putting on next month and suddenly it's looking like there's potential for much more beyond the workshop. So I'm collecting information, jotting thoughts, and seeing where that road is leading.

These words I write may go no further than the four walls of my office. But to me it doesn't really matter. I'm doing something I love and I'm doing it with absolutely no pressure. There's no deadlines or teachers or editors waiting to read what I write. There's just me, God, and a keyboard. I'm taking risks. I'm going further than I've gone before and it's an exhilarating experience.

Words are good.

"Paul didn't know where he was going, but he did know why." (Erwin McManus)

Ushering In The New

It's another new year. With a new year brings new challenges, new obstacles, but also new opportunities for joy.

As I look a head into 2008 I can see many good things coming my way. I'm pumped up to be leading a workshop for teens at a ladies retreat in February. This summer my brother, Mom, and I are heading out on a killer vacation. And between work and ministry, I've got a lot of things to look forward to.

But at the same time, there are challenges a head. My sleep (or lack thereof) is still a huge problem- one that doesn't yet have an answer or solution. And I'm facing a situation right now that is spiralling out of control and the only thing I can do is learn how to let go.

But in the midst of the good and the bad I'm reminded that we serve a God who is very consistent. A God who loves us very much. And a God who offers us a loyal love with no comparison:

"'For the mountains may depart and the hills disappear, but even then I will remain loyal to you. My covenant of blessing will never broken,' says the Lord, who has mercy on you." Isaiah 54:10

In 2008 I hope to, above all, get to know this loving and merciful God better. To experience more of the richness and joy that can be found in even one moment with our loving Saviour.

My Soundtrack of 2007

So 2007 has come to a close and as a way of looking back, I thought I'd do something a little different. It's no secret that music is a huge part of my life, so for each month of the past year I'm posting lyrics from a song that really resonated with me during that time. Some fit the circumstances I faced perfectly. Others were songs that provided me with hope and peace. And others just spoke loudly at the moment. Enjoy.

January
"Raise our glasses to puzzle pieces
And the way they fit together
We never saw till now.
Here's to questions that need their answers
In the bright light of hindsight
Will all become clear somehow."
Tara Leigh Cobble- Here's To Hindsight

February
"A child is but for so long
Turn around those days are gone
Nothing can replace the years of youth
I have swallowed lies that tasted true
The plans I thought were sent from You
When all You wanted was for me To be still

The burning in the heart
Of man’s deepest desire
Is rising like a flame
The burning in the heart
Of our deepest desire
Rising like a flame
Burning higher and higher
Burning in the heart Of our deepest desire
Is to know You"
Phil Joel - The Man You Want Me To Be

March
"She would change everything,
Everything just ask her
Caught in the in between
Of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home."
Jon McLaughlin- Beautiful Disaster

April
"One eye on the clock and one the phone
It's 5:19, I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you, I'd want you to know
That holding loose, ain't letting go."
Matt Wertz- 5:19

May
"I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying of fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose, I'll never wake up without an overdose of You."
Skillet- Comatose

June
"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours, grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came."
The Fray- How To Save A Life

July
"I’m on the brink of disaster
Staring down the consequences
To break heart would be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to fail
I’m going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear

But the fact of the matter
I’m out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Night falls with no grace
I said I can do anything
But I can do anything wrong
And with burning speed the rear-view says
it’s catching up to me
But I’m already gone."
Mae- Brink of Disaster

August
"Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me.

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
When you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so that I could see
That you never were the best for me."
Daughtry- Over You

September
"I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it"
U2- Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

October
"And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on"
U2- Walk ON

November
"Kind of funny how a life can change
Everything gets re-arranged
Nothing's ever going to be the same
Day after day, page after page."
Paul Wright- 5th and Broadway

December
"Was I there for the worst of all your pain?
And was I there when your blue skies ran away?
Was I there when the rains were flooding you off your feet?
Those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you
I'm the One that you've been looking for
I'm the One that you've been waiting for
I've had My eyes on you ever since you were born

I will love you after the rain falls down
I will love you after the sun goes out
I'll have My eyes on you after the world is no more."
Disciple- After The World

Christmas Questionnaire

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper- it makes opening a gift that much more fun!

2. Real tree or artificial?
Always real. I grew up in the country and getting a tree was a simple as walking outside with a saw. Now it's a little more complicated, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

3. When do you put up the tree?
About a week or two before Christmas.

4. When do you take the tree down?
Whenever it starts to die. One year we had a tree that actually started growing in the house! It was kind of cool, but we ended up taking it out by February. Christmas cheer only last so long ;)

5. Do you like eggnog?
Love it. My brother has a great recipe that I enjoy every year.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Probably my Easton aluminium hockey stick. I wanted one so badly and when I finally got it I was on cloud nine. I was convinced it was a lucky stick and I guess it was in a way. Seven goals in one game, yeah!

7. Do you have a Nativity scene?
Yup. I made the manger/stable when I was in high school and we've had the pieces since I was pretty young. And it shows. One of the wisemen is missing a hand- poor fellow.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
My sister.

9. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Stuff from the body shop. I was nine and not interested.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie?
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and the Muppets Christmas.

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Usually the first or second weekend of December.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Nope.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Fudge and peanut butter squares.

15. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
Colored- it just makes everything look more festive.

16. Favorite Christmas song?
For traditional, probably O Come All Ye Faithful. For modern, I love "Strange Way To Save The World" and "2000 Decembers Ago".

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Home. It's so wonderful to have family within a four block radius.

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers?
Of course. I took it very seriously as a kid.

19. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel who should have been thrown out years ago, but it's tradition.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
When I was younger we'd do one on Christmas eve and the rest on Christmas day. Now we save them all for Christmas morning.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
I wouldn't say it's annoying, but I really don't like how much pressure is put on people at this time of year. Especially for parents who don't have a lot of money and are put in the position of having to "keep up" with what other parents give their kids.

Grace

Grace has been on my mind a lot lately. Mainly because at College and Careers we've been going through a series based on Philip Yancey's book "What's So Amazing About Grace?"

It's amazing to me, this thought of grace. The fact that God knows us and still loves us. And grace is a key to the Christmas story, because without grace there would be no Bethlehem.

I can't even begin to comprehend the heart-wrenching decision that was made in heaven before that very first Christmas morning. The choice of a Father to send His Son to save a world that certainly didn't deserve it.

That's grace. And that's the cornerstone of the Christmas story. God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.

Amazing indeed.

Walk On

I've been listening to a lot of U2 lately. Especially the album "All That You Can't Leave Behind". I know everyone talks about "Joshua Tree", but I think "All That You Can't Leave Behind" is my favorite from U2. I don't know if it's because it's brilliant or it's because it's the one I relate to the most. And in the end, I don't think it really matters.

One song that's been on repeat a lot lately is "Walk On". The lyrics just resonate so loudly with where I've been finding myself lately:

"And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can’t steal it
No they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart, it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on"

Lately the temptation in my life has been to stop walking forward. To allow myself just to stay stuck in this place. And for a while I almost convinced myself it wouldn't be such a bad thing. After all, if anyone were to get a real glimpse into what my life has been like lately, they probably wouldn't blame me for doing so.

But I've decided to keep walking. Why? Because when I look back on my life I don't want to see wasted moments and opportunities. I don't want to have regret after regret. And to stop now, even though things are tough, would be something I would regret.

So I'm pressing on. Even though some days I may only move forward an inch, I'm making progress. I refuse to be stopped and be silenced by what keeps being thrown my way.

And it scares me to think of how close I came to doing so. Letting life circumstances speak for your life is a convenient excuse. And it's just that: an excuse. God knows exactly what we face everyday. And yet He still calls us to press on:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy he knew would be his afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honour beside God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

So today, instead of focusing on problems and pain and sickness, I'm focusing on Jesus. And He's the One who I'm learning to depend on from start to finish. No, I haven't "arrived". But I am on the journey. And I think in the end the journey is what matters most.

Thankful for the Moments

The sound of Charlie Hall fills my ears and faintly in the background, I hear the clock ticking out each second. A moment in time never to be repeated again. Moments I have not always been so grateful for.

In this place, during the early morning hours, I have spent many moments watching pictures flash by on the TV screen. Hearing the words, but not letting them sink too far in. While my mind filtered the media, my heart felt a strange heaviness. And yes, sometimes bitterness.

You see, I'm not up at 2:00 am by choice. My life has changed drastically over the past year. Not be it by choice, but changed nonetheless. While my family enjoys a night of rest and refreshment, I sit downstairs unable to fall asleep. Sleep Apnea, Restless Leg Syndrome, and Insomnia has seen to that.

So my nights pass by in a dark basement wide-awake. And my days pass by in front of a computer, trying to focus, but falling painfully short as my eyelids droop lower and lower.

To be thankful for such a "curse" has been a foreign concept. Because after all, before this condition blindsided me, I had lived a year and a half filled with sickness, pain, and fear. But being thankful for even this is the journey that I am on. Because where once I fought for "normal" nights, I have now accepted that this is the place I'm in and I am here for a reason. And knowing that is freeing.

With the turbulence that has been shaking up other areas of my life, maybe God knew I'd need these hours to myself. To think, reflect, and pray for His guidance and strength.

Is it difficult to live like this? Yes. Do I know when I will get better? No. But maybe those aren't the important questions.

Maybe the important question is "What am I going to do with this cross I have been called to bear?" I can fight it and by doing so, waste a lot of time and energy. Or I can accept it as part of His divine plan and look a head to the day where I see His plan perfectly in hindsight.

I've decided to choose the later of the two. After all, every moment is a gift. Whether it comes are 4:00 pm or 4:00 am.

Praise God from who all blessings flow. Even the ones we don't always recognize.

Finding The Gospel (In Unexpected Places)

As the title of this blog entry would indicate, lately I've been finding the truth of the gospel in unexpected places. In the books I'm reading. The tv I'm watching. The life I'm experiencing.

The stories I'm reading, watching, and living are about love. About redemption. And about a hope for something greater than what we're experiencing. And aren't those things the real essence of the gospel after all?

Unconditional love seen on DVD as a guy gets himself sent to prison, just to save the life of his brother who's about to die for a crime he did not commit.

Redemption seen in the story of a father, who after being absent for most of his child's upbringing, breaks down the barriers between his kid and himself. The child responds, and together they move towards a future without dwelling on the past.

Love and hope seen in the real life story of a mother who reaches out to her child time and time again, even though this child is verbally abusive, a perpetual liar, and is unable to give that kind of love that she receives. But still the mother loves, and the mother hopes that one day things will change.

These stories about love, hope, and redemption inspire me. Because honestly, it's easy to miss that kind of grace and beauty when we live the kind of lives that we do. Where we're faced with tragedies, pain, and heartbreak on an all-too frequent basis.

But when we do stop and recognize these incredible reflections of the gospel in the world around us, we get a glimpse into the heart of God. The kind of heart that crossed heaven and earth just to make sure that a bunch of sinners would receive the kind of love that He gives, undeserved as it may be.

And being able to find a glimpse of that beauty and grace, is a gift. One that sustains and inspires. It's my prayer to continue to find the heart of the gospel in unexpected places.

Tony Campolo

This video echo's the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind since reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.

Christianity, in North America especially, has been made way too complicated. Here Dr. Campolo explains how simple it really is.

A little too comfortable

Charles Swindoll wrote: "When you suffer and lose, that does not mean you are being disobedient to God. In fact, it might mean you're right in the center of His will. The path of obedience is often marked by times of suffering and loss."

I don't know why, but I didn't really consider that connection before. Sure, I knew that being a Christian brought on persecution. But suffering and loss? Well it wasn't something I associated with obedience before. Character growth, sure. Obedience? Not really.

But it really only makes sense. Looking at the the apostles lives doesn't make Christianity look that appealing. Not only did they face tremendous persecution, but their life circumstances weren't that great. And I'm realizing more and more, neither will ours be.

It seems like everytime life seems to settle, another storm brews in. But in reading the Bible, can we really expect anything else?

Should we expect fat paychecks? Large homes? Perfect families? Stress-free jobs? Nothing but loving people? The ideal church? I don't know why we get so surprised when life turns out to be the opposite. I don't know why I get so surprised.

I guess somewhere along the way Christianity has gotten confused with comfort. I'm beginning to see that they couldn't be more opposite. As Shane Claiborne wrote "God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable."

I think we've gotten a little too comfortable. I know I have.

The Art of Being

"What makes for a good [life] story is not necessarily a thrill-a-minute plot, but an eye for detail, loaded moments. It's the so-called mundane that is most often chock-full of the eternal." (Linford Detweiler)

Starting this entry off with that quote is somewhat of a disclaimer. Because if you thought you were in for grand tales of God-adventures and awe-inspiring moments that have been filling my time over these past few weeks, you're going to be disappointed.

My time away from school hasn't been filled with big ministry projects or any jaw-dropping revelations. But it has been so good. I guess instead of doing, I'm for the moment just being and it's something that was long overdue.

During this time of "being" I'm reconnecting with who I am and more importantly, who I am in Christ. I'm trying to get caught up on sleep and my prayers for rest are finally being answered. This week I had more good nights than I have had in the past eight months combined :)

I've been experiencing more of those loaded moments too. It's amazing how clear they become when the busyness of life is toned down even just a bit.

And above all, during this time I'm just learning that it's okay to not have everything figured out. I tried that game and failed miserably at it. Because the truth is, we really have very little control over our circumstances and there is no way we can ever have the road a head truly mapped out as hard as we may try. And you know what, that's okay. Because even though lately I can't physically drive because I'm so tired, my spiritual driving days have been gone for quite some time. God is in the driver's seat of this life. I'm just along for the ride. And what a ride it's been!

Jon Mclaughlin - Beautiful Disaster

I heard this song for the first time a couple weeks ago and it's been on repeat ever since. Check it out.

Summer Break!

So I'm officially on summer holidays from school. My original plan was to take four courses this summer, but my health had other ideas.

Although it's frustrating to put the courses off (and it was a huge hassle to do so), deep down I know I need the break. Just to catch up on sleep alone is reason enough.

So for the next month and a half I won't have a school agenda. I'll still have regular responsibilities with work and the radio show and stuff like that. But I'll be free from the heavy workload that consumes a lot of my time and I'll get to do the things that I really want to do. What are those things? Well...

I'd like to write more. Not a book (yet) or anything huge, but just put more thoughts down on paper.

I'd like to read more. When I'm in school I read so much during the day that when night comes around, I don't do very much if any. I've got a stack of books that are calling my name :)

And I'd like to switch rooms. This is something I've wanted to do for a while, but the timing wasn't there. But now I'm moving all my stuff downstairs and my "old" room will be turned into an office (woo hoo!). This I think will be a really good thing because I'll be able to separate my life a little more. Plus I'll have a space of my own for school/work/radio/writing, so it'll be easier to focus and do good work.

So those are my plans for this summer. What are yours?

Great Weekend

I left Timmins Friday morning to make my way to the MORE Radio seminar in Barrie. I didn't realize how small the Timmins airport is until I've started flying much more in the past few years. You know you're in a small airport when the person who checks you in is the same one manning the gate and the same one taking the stairs away from the plane. No joke.

After landing in Toronto I treated myself to wonderful Columbian coffee, then jumped aboard the shuttle to Barrie. Side note: it feels wonderful to be catered to. The driver of the van came into the airport, personally brought me to the van and carried all my luggage. Then drove me right to my hotel and helped me get in the lobby with all my stuff. All for 46 bucks. Impressive.

I did a little bit of shopping after I got to Barrie. I was trying to track down some distilled water for the sleeping machine, which turned out to be an adventure. No one had any! 8 stores later I finally came across a store that only had four small bottles left. I bought them all and counted myself lucky. That night there was a BBQ to kick the weekend off, which was fantastic.

Saturday was filled with amazing classes. I learned so much and took pages and pages of notes. I even had the opportunity to sit down with a DJ from CHUM in Toronto and learn while he went over a CD of my show- it was an awesome experience! Saturday night we went out for dinner, then went on a sunset cruise. It was beautiful.

Sunday was filled with more very informative and inspiring classes. I probably took more notes that one day than I did the whole past year of schooling combined. I learned a lot about music selection, promotions, and management. It was great!

Besides having tons of fun, the weekend was also a great chance for me to try out my new camera. It has a great widescreen shot feature that I made good use of on the boat cruise. I still have lots to learn about the camera, so it's a work in progress :)

Monday I made my way back to Timmins- the trip ended up taking a lot longer than expected (2 flights were delayed/cancelled), but it was good. I had an opportunity to see the love of Christ in action and hopefully be seen as a reflection of that love. I find it to be such a powerful thing when people are willing to stop in there tracks to help complete strangers, who by the end of the encounter are no longer strangers at all!

It was an incredible trip and I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to go. And I'm even more grateful for the way that God provides for His children. It was a step of faith to go and God definitely provided in some pretty incredible ways! What a wonderful Father we all have the privilege of knowing & serving!

Can't wait until the next seminar :)

New Purchase

After four years and thousands of photos, my good old Kodak digital camera kicked the bucket. That left me with a very tough decision to make: which camera to buy? There are a lot of options out there and I had no idea which one to go with.

That is until the Canon Powershot S3 IS caught my eye. It's technically "point and shoot", but still lets you change colour settings, aperture size, and shutter speed- bonus. Add to that a 12x optical zoom and I was sold.

It came in the mail a couple days ago (pays to order online). So now I'm in the process of learning how to take better pictures. And I've got to learn fast- I'm taking two trips this year: one next weekend to a seminar in Barrie and another to Michigan in August and I want to get some good shots!

Hopefully lots of good photo's to come!

Kiva

I think I speak for most when I say that often we want to get involved and help those in crisis, but we don't know how. We watch the evening news and feel helpless. We know we want to do something, but don't know what.

We see poverty and other than writing a check, are very limited in our options. There's a solution, but we can't see how to be a part of it.

Recently I've been given a spark of hope. And that spark comes from an organization known as Kiva.

It's no secret that there are many in developing countries who have the skills needed to support their families through various jobs, but because they lack the start-up funds for businesses, they remain in poverty.

Take it from someone who has completed a lot of business courses- without start up capital, great ideas remain just that- ideas. But it doesn't have to be this way anymore, thanks to Kiva.

Through their organization, individuals such as you and me can actually play a part in funding a business on the other side of the world.

This is how it works: Kiva finds entrepreneurs in third world countries and assess the needs. They then petition us for loans for these businesses. Individuals work together to pledge the entire loan amount, then 100% of it is given to the entrepreneur.

Once they have the funds, they use it to buy supplies or get their businesses off the ground. Then over a period of time (some as short as six months), they repay the loan.

Then the lenders can either take that money back, or lend it to someone else who needs it.

In March I signed up and was able to loan money to a few individuals. Less than two months later part of this money has already been repaid! Money that I had all but forgotten about was able to help someone on the other side of the world who now, thanks to all of the loans given, has a sustainable source of income for themselves and their children.

What a revolutionary concept!

To see how you can give involved, please visit kiva.org

Life In Full

They say the older you get, the wiser you get. I'm not so sure if that statement applies to me. But I do know one thing- I'm not the same person that I used to be and it's a good thing.

Maybe it's the two years straight of one health crisis after another. Maybe it's those extra grey hairs. I don't know. But I do know that I like the new me.

I now like the fact that life isn't always figured out. That I can step forward not knowing where I may end up. That it's okay that a degree isn't finished in four years or five.

That it's completely acceptable to not know where I'll be in a year from now. That it's fun to do spontaneous things with no plan b's in place.

That it's not a waste of time to spend a day doing nothing and just being. That life isn't about the end of the road, but rather the journey that it took to get there.

I'm on that journey. We all are. Some days are high and others are low. But the highs and the lows have a few things in common.

That first of all, I'm not traveling without a Guide. And He's sent me such an amazing group of people to take the journey with.

If you're one of these people- I thank you. I don't measure the quality of my life anymore by how rested I feel or how many dollars are in the bank account. Rather I measure it by the people I'm surrounded with who have my back and I'm thankful that they are many.

Yes my memory is that of a 70 year old and most days I look like a zombie, but that really doesn't matter at the end of the day. And it won't really matter if this is something I'm going to have to deal with in the very long term. No matter what circumstances are like, no one can steal the life instead that God gives to all His children.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

And that life is good. And I'm so happy to be able to be living mine every day to the fullest.

A Heart That's Free

Here's something you may not have known about me: occasionally I have been known to dabble in poetry. I'm not saying I'm that great at it. And when I do write poems, I don't often share them. Maybe that's because the two times I did, it caused tears (I know what you're thinking- they must be pretty bad).

Anyways, not too long ago inspiration struck and I wrote this. I'm not claiming it's any good. But here is goes:

A Heart That's Free
She lays face down on the floor
Searching for hope but finding it no more
As images pass by on the evening news
She cries and questions what has gone askew?
"Why is peace so hard to find?
Whatever happened to that life-line?"

She looks up and sees a flickering light
A stark reflection in the dark of night
But the light seems too far out of reach
So far it's getting harder to see
"Is there no way to bridge the gap?" she cries
She's been in darkness so long she believes the lies.

But out from that darkness steps a man
And when He reaches the flame, He puts out His hand
Suddenly the spark bursts into consuming fire
And the flame burns up the muck and mire
With eyes of compassion He glances her way
While her heart's in her throat, she hears Him say:

"My child, why do you run? Why do you hide?
Why do you pretend it's alright inside?
Didn't you hear of my redeeming love?
Don't you know of the strength I send from above?
I died for your heart- to set it free
For here and now, not just eternity."

With shaky legs she starts to stand
She moves towards His outstretched hand
He looks at her and with love says:
"I love you my child, today and always
I'll always be here, I'll never leave your side
Walk with me and allow me to be your guide."

So with brittle faith and eyes that finally see
She gives her heart and is suddenly free.
Dancing through the fields of grace
Caught up in an amazing heavenly chase
A life surrendered she realizes is a beautiful thing
So she lets go and with her savior, her life sings.

Francois Fenelon

During some of my late night bore-me-to-tears hours I've been getting in a bit of reading. I finished John Grisham's first non-fiction piece titled "The Innocent Man"- great book. A must read for anyone interested in the legal spectrum.

Recently I started working through some material from Francois Fenelon, a French archbishop from the 17th century. Thankful his work has been translated. It is extremely profound.

A favorite quote on prayer:

“Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, it's pleasures, and it's pains, to a dear friend.

Tell him your troubles, that he may comfort you; tell him your joys, that he may sober them; tell him your longings, that he may purify them; tell him your dislikes, that he may help you conquer them; talk to him of your temptations, that he may shield you from them; show him the wounds of your heart, that he may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others.

If you thus pour out your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subject of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back, neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of their heart, without consideration they say just what they think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God.”

I'm looking forward to digging deeper into his writing. And as I do I'm sure there will be more quotes to share :)

Book Signing!

This Friday, March 30th, I will be at Harmony House in the Porcupine Mall for a book signing!

They've invited me to come out as part of the 72 Hour Sale and sign copies of my book, Walking Through A Fallen World.

If you live in the Timmins/South Porcupine area, it would be great to see you out there! And if don't, but know people in the area, please let them know about the event.

Hope to see you there!

X & Y Theory

This weekend I listened in on the church service at Mars Hill and was thoroughly blessed by Rob Bell's teaching.

He spoke about how we tend to look at our lives like an x and y graph. Meaning if we do one thing on the x axis, then something automatically happens on the y. One example being take care of yourself well (x) and as a result you'll never sit in a doctor's office and hear the word cancer (y). Which couldn't be further from the truth. He went on to say:

"The truth is, it's a lie because it doesn't always go that way... People's ideas of God can be so unbelievably warped. The ultimate lie: well if you do a, b, and c, well then of course God will do a, b, and c and you'll be fine. All you have to do is simply trust Jesus and then you won't have to go through any heartache cause He wants you happy and wealthy.

These lies are deep within us that this is how the world works. And it simply doesn't. If you just lead the people and do as God says you'll get into the promised land. No it doesn't work that way."

It was something I really needed to hear. To be honest I've been struggling with the x & y mentality lately. Over the past few months as many of you know, I've been struggling a lot with my sleep. While part of this is due to sleep apnea, there's also a bigger problem going on with insomnia and restlessness. I've only averaged about 3-4 hours a night for months and besides being dead-tired, I've been getting discouraged.

And somewhere along the way, I got into the mindset that if only I imputed enough x's, then my y (good sleep and rest) would come. So instead of just doing my normal duties, I pushed myself above and beyond that. All the while thinking that it won't be long before I feel better.

Well many doctors appointments, prayer meetings, medical treatments, and every possible sleep trick imagined later, I'm still in the same boat I was before. And while I'm in this place, I'm still trying to move forward and "lead the people" so to speak. I'm still keeping up my ministry involvement. I'm still trying to do the things that I committed to. I'm still pushing forward in my school.

And those x's have certainly not resulted in giving me a y.

But here is where the true journey of faith lies. Faith happens when we still do the x's with no expectations of the y's. True faith is accepting this journey we're on- a journey with no guarantees. One where even God's children are fighting the good fight, in the midst of life's difficulties. One where those difficulties are a big part of the journey and could very well be just something that God wants us to work through for a while. A journey that is a lot closer to what we see in the Bible than the x & y theory is.

For me, my journey has been accepting that the y may take a while longer or may never come. And in that, still continuing to press on. Not because I expect something in return. But because I love my savior, desire to serve Him, and trust Him to take care of the rest in His timing, not mine.

For you, it may be something different. But we're all on this journey together. And on this beautiful journey of faith we discover that God wasn't necessarily who we thought He was. But that's okay. Because we know He's trustworthy and we know that He loves us dearly.

Oh what a mighty God we serve!